Where am I? How did I get here?

Just finished IRCing with Nick. I made a bit of a twit of myself, letting forward a stream of emotion that he shouldn't have to deal with. Seeing as I'm still feeling them, here they are:

I'm pretty good at whatever I do. Because I don't start a project unless I'm fairly sure I can make a good job of it, and I can be a perfectionist. I have a feeling for machines, and ideas.

The other side of this is that I've led a sheltered life - courtesy of overprotective parents and the fear of strangers they instilled in me - and have no real emotional maturity.

I existed quite happily for three decades being passionate about all sorts of subjects, without much human contact. You don't need human contact if your company is a pile of books and a procession of computers. Companionship comes from similar people, and sex comes from an endless supply of shadows in parks.

Then, in the space of a year, I meet two people who somehow touch me in ways I can't deal with. I fell headlong in love with D before I'd even met him face to face, and I had no emotional tools to control the fall. Thanks to his kindness and support (which of course were partly what made me fall for him in the first place) I was able to climb out of that particular hole.

You can call it a crush, or an infatuation, or puppy love, or even the real thing. I don't know and it doesn't matter. The important thing is I was completely unprepared to the strength of feeling, and completely unable to cope.

That strength of feeling leaves marks that don't fade. Though I can say now that I'm not in love with D, the fact that I was makes his friendship...different. Special, more intense, less casual, and more trusting.

Well, after I've mostly got over D, I meet H. We spent more than ten hours together on that first day, and the spark was there. He was intelligent, gentle, and actually quite vulnurable. Just like D - they even looked somewhat alike.

I wasn't a complete idiot. Having recently given my heart away to someone who had no space for it, I hesitated to do so again. Especially as he was in the same position - still feeling the aftershocks of an intense but doomed relationship.

So we didn't rush into love. we circled around it, and several times decided not to dive in. We just sort of drifted towards it anyway.

One reason we we cautious is that next year we will probably not be in the same part of the country. Long distance relationships are more trouble than either of us needs, and relocating for the sake of one relationship that is not garrunteed is not a good gamble.

So that's where I am now. The story isn't over, and only some of the issues are resolved. Before tonight, I hadn't cried about D for months. But an hour ago, for some reason, the memories all came back.

My devotion to D was childish as well as hopeless. I am no longer quite so much of a child, and probably no longer capable of feeling the same way again. But if the fears and hopes of childhood become background to those of the adult, then the same is true of a child's love.

Even if that particular child was 32 years old.
I feel much better now.

I'm meeting up with Nick on Saturday 9th of July, in the middle of the Marxism2005 conference. He's still interested in The K Twins project, so at some point soon we can make our stage debut, and then a studio album.

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