The Longer Version

Right. Let's see if I can put yesterday and today into some kind of order.

Yesterday I got gaydar message back from M saying, in effect, he didn't want a renewed relationship but a friendship with occasional visits would be most welcome.

It sounds okay, but the trouble is the 'frienship and visits' was what he said he wanted when he did want a relationship. Well, I don't dislike the man, and if things get difficult I can always just walk out of his door.

I'll send him a message saying, in paraphrase, "Okay, seeing as you're a nice guy and a great cook and pretty good in bed, I'll come up to see you soon. But it can't be that soon, because I'm broke and snowed under with stuff." All of which is true.

MS also phoned. Says he wants to meet for a chat and a drink. Which generally means meet for him to tell me he's still smoking any and every drug he can find, and still can't get a decent girlfriend, and by the way do I feel like some 'fun'. 'Fun' is spelt 'blowjob' and pronounced 'kneeling in the rain wondering how much longer he's going to take'.

Like I said to H later, I've always had a soft spot for lame ducks, and MS is certainly one of those. As I am myself. I agreed to meet up on Tuesday, and we'll see how I feel about (a) the oral sex thing and (b) the seeing him again thing.
I met up with H in the evening. He was in one of his slightly annoying cheery summery optimistic moods. In spite of this, it always feels good to be in his company. We sat in a pub, compared failed lovelives, and listened to a very good pub band.

A blues-rock 4-piece called Mustang, playing genre standards from 'Peter Gunn' to 'All Along The Watchtower'. Even their own stuff sounded like old standards.

After two pints and a Howling Wolf impersonation, we went back to H's room, and talked for maybe an hour. Getting gradually closer and more intimate. And we somehow ended up cuddling naked on his bed. I've never met anyone who could cuddle quite so much as H. We must have spent two hours kissing, stroking, but mostly just hugging.

H can get an erection at the slightest opportunity but doesnt't feel compelled to use it. I was unnecessarily embarrassed because I couldn't, and felt that I should have. Well, that's my neuroses.

I sucked him and he came in under 30 seconds. Then back to the cuddling. This is not the kind of sex I'm used to, and it childishly disconcerted me. The real problem though, was...antipation of the morning after.

H and I rushed into a relationship the first day we met. Then realised we should be more slow and cautious - cultivate a friendship and see when that went. Now we seemed to be rushing again.

As we said goodnight - with more hugs - I said to him, "I'm not quite sure what just happened". He laughed and replied, "Neither am I."

I cycled home, and gave myself time to think with a plate of takeaway chicken and chips (chicken shared with the dog), and some Babylon 5 DivXes.

I managed to wake up today at 1530 hours, to find a text message waiting. "Hi There. Interesting night last night...." I called him, and we had a mature and sensible 'about last night' discussion.

We're both awful at relationships, and there still someone he's involved with. Like I said to D all those months ago, "We make better friends than lovers." Friends are there for each other, friends can hug, friends can even have sex if they want.

Friends can also go and see theatre plays together. I'm getting the tickets tomorrow, and we're going on wednesday. And it's not a date.

It's not a date. Even if it feels a bit like one.

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