"The fact that capitalism is not just, far from being something which makes it more intolerable, is precisely what makes it palpable for the majority. What makes it palpable is its very injustice, and that we know it’s unjust."
- Slavoj Zizek

"Every intelligent boy of sixteen is a Socialist."
- George Orwell

"The point of foundations is precisely to be fixed, immovable, and as far as possible, eternal and the same for all."
- Guy Robinson

"Hating yourself is the greatest love of all."
- John Calendo

"You loved me as a loser, but now you’re worried I just might win."
- Leonard Cohen

"No society so marinated in falsity can long survive in a real world."
- Gore Vidal

"Security is always relative, never absolute"
- Bob Marshall

"I woke up one morning, and the beat had changed"
- Annie Nightingale

Everything I Know about Humanity

How people make decisions:

Q: Do you like this TV show?
A: I sort-of fancy one of the characters.

Okay so the acting's not great, and the characterisations doesn't make any sense, and the scripts are full of holes. Oh I know! I'm watching it ironically, so all those minuses are now plusses.

Now they've changed the format and it's a completely different show. No it's not, it's a natural evolution of the old show. That line that character just said, it's a reference to something in the old show, which means there's a definite continuity.

Ah, now they've killed off the one I fancy. Erm, but now I've got lots of other reasons to watch - there's the big mystery which no one's mentioned for six episodes, I don't want to miss them getting back to that.

They're cancelling it. But there's a fan campaign to save it and I'm on a net forum discussing the show and they all know me there and I don't want to lose that sense of community - so I've got to join the campaign.

Q: Why are you going out with that person?
A: I like them. Okay, they annoy the hell out of me but there's good times. All the good times were in the first week but if I hang on there'll be more. There's been no good times for six months but there's no one else who'd want me.

There's someone else but I don't want to hurt my partner's feelings. I hate being with them but it's too late now. It wasn't too late but this time it really is too late. Anyway I'm as happy as could be expected. Some people have it worse so I should be grateful.

Q: Do you believe in god?
A: People around me seem to vaguely believe in something, so I guess I do.

The people at my church are all jerks. But I've got to stay because I made an implicit promise. Besides, they've given me something to do, which means I'm useful to them, so I can't just leave them.

The morality in the holy book is revolting and the theology doesn't make any sense. Well, yes but this later bit of the book supersedes that earlier bit and is a lot nicer. And anyway god's so big no one can understand him.

The preacher says evolution's a gigantic atheist conspiracy to oppress us. But he can't mean it literally. Oh, he does. Well, there's still more good stuff than bad, probably - and anyway I've married a believer so I can't leave the church, for their sake.

Oh, they've left me and the church - which means the other churchgoers are going to give me lots of support, so it's worth staying.

"Vanity is tiresome only when the person pretends to be modest"
- Harry Daley

"People don't have the right not to be offended."
- Matt Dillahunty

"The strength of the middle class is that it’s like agiant amoeba - it can absorb anything. The way that it defends itself [is] just to assimilate it."
- David Cronenberg

"Never trust a government that doesn’t trust its own people."
- Andrei Sakharov

"Our brains have just one scale, and we resize our experiences to fit."

"The criticism of religion is the prerequisite of all criticism."
- Karl Marx

"This poem is watching you trying to make sense from this poem"
- Dino Lyndon

"I was born inside the movie of my life."
- Roger Ebert

"Asking the correct question is 90% of finding the answer."
- Tony Cliff

Your Eyes are Getting Heavy...

Another tiny program of very specialised use: My Winamp Fader.

I don't know about you, but it helps me to get to sleep if there's noise in the background - rain, music, speech etc. Except the same noise tends to wake me up just as I'm drifting off.

So what I could use is a program to gradually turn the volume down on the computer's mp3 player...then after a minute's pause close the player and switch off the computer.

Download Winamp Fader
Download SMPlayer Fader

You enter the number of minutes (which doesn't have to be an interger or greater than one) between fade stages. There's 64 volume levels on Winamp, 25 on SMPlayer. You then click whether you want to closedown when it's finished.

I can't do a version for the VLC player, because that uses the mouse wheel as a volume control, and for some reason I can't automate that.

I could now try to use this to get to sleep - but after writing it I'm not sleepy anymore.

"And if your hardness will not flash and cut and cut to pieces: how can you one day - create with me? For all creators are hard."
- Frederich Nietzsche

"I believe in people’s right to be icky."
- Rachel Maddow.

"What horrifies me most is the idea of being useless: well-educated, brilliantly promising, and fading out into an indifferent middle age."
- Sylvia Plath

"There’s a human tendency to resent anyone who disagrees with our pleasures. The less mature interpret that as a personal attack on themselves."
- Roger Ebert

"A lot of fiction gets more depressing when you realize that writers are usually writing about themselves, whether they admit it or not."
- Chris Radomile

"The vertebral silence indisposes the licit sail"
- Lucien Tesnière

"The Catholic and the Communist are alike in assuming that an opponent cannot be both honest and intelligent."
- George Orwell

"The exquisite corpse will drink the new wine."
- French Surrealists c1925

"If we're lucky we get ideas that we fall in love with. And then you have the great joy of translating those ideas into a medium."
- David Lynch

"Quadruplicity drinks procrastination"
- Bertrand Russell

"Colourless green ideas sleep furiously"
- Noam Chomsky

"England has always been disinclined to accept human nature."
- EM Forster

"Hold the newsreader’s nose squarely, waiter, or friendly milk will countermand my trousers."
- Stephen Fry

Graff Jam

Self expression is good, especially in public, especially in a cruddy little town like this one. It's just I'm not always sure what's being expressed.

...apart maybe from the cruddiness of the town.

"We're in a frightening place. Guesswork won't lead us to safety."
- Charlie Brooker

"Two slightly sampled electric guitars."
- Mike Oldfield

"A truth that's told with bad intent beats all the lies you can invent."
- William Blake

"Americans are brought up from childhood to have no curiosity about anything, because they might not like the answer."
- Gore Vidal

"Reality must take precedence over public relations."
- Richard Feynmann

"Genuine tragedies in the world are not conflicts between right and wrong. They are conflicts between two rights."
- Georg Hegel

Cock Up

This is the text of a porn pop-up I just got.

I have a theory that the more people are involved in a business, the more likely obvious mistakes (cockups, [cough]) are to be missed. Possibly because everyone expects everyone else to have checked already.

I once worked for a newspaper which accidentally trivialised a story by publishing it with the headline "Three Man Beated". Dozens of journalists, half a dozen sub-editors, one editor, two proof-readers and 25 or so in the print room - and if any of them spotted it, the must have assumed someone else would fix it.

Either that, or no one cared. Which I can sympathise with. In the book of Kapitano, apathy is a lesser sin than incompetence.

"While common sense and feeling understand nothing about philosophy, philosophy understands them perfectly."
- Roland Barthes

"What the public wants is the image of passion, not the passion itself."
- Roland Barthes

Theology for the Masses

Life is a search, for two things. Someone worth listening to, and someone worth talking to.

If you ever find someone who's both, marry them instantly. In the meantime, there's the stimulating debate on youtube videos.

CodenameCrychck: Explain to me what the point of trying to disprove God's existence if you don't think he exists?

Kapitano: The point, obviously, is that people like you who believe in fairytales...sometimes act on their beliefs. Yes, some people who believe in a magic man in the sky who tells them women are the property of their husbands...will treat their wives as property.

CodenameCrychck: Okay, 1. I'm a Jesus Freak and proud to be one. And fyi, not all of us are radical christians. 2. God did not tell husbands to beat their wives, you're thinking of Islam. 3. I believe that people liek you who demand proof of God, are really looking for someone to explain christianity to them because they want the empty void in their soul to be filled with the love of God.

Kapitano: Ah, the christian insistence that atheists are unhappy - despite the evidence. And that christians are fulfilled - despite the evidence.

And the usual failure to read their own holy book, or know anything about other religions.

What else? Oh yes, the complete inability to respond to the point which was actually put to them.

CodenameCrychck: Just the knowledge that Jesus died for me is fufulling enough and his love is eternal for me.

All I am doing is simply stating that I feel God around me and that is suffiencent proof enough for me.

Kapitano: You feel it and you think that makes it true. But if anyone else feels a different god, it's not true - only your god is 'proven' by a feeling.

CodenameCrychck: You're acting on a "feeling" that there is no God.

Kapitano: No, I have these things called reason and research. They tend to destroy faith.

CodenameCrychck: I have the bible, the book written by God. That's all I need for proof.

Kapitano: Where in the bible does it say it was written by god?

And even if it does, so what? I'm telling you right now that *I'm* god, and you've got to believe me because I'm god, right?

The Q'uran *does* claim to have been written by god. So does the book of Joseph Smith. So you're a muslim and a mormon too? No? Why not?

CodenameCrychck: I didn't bother anyone with my belief.

Kapitano: What do you think you're doing right now?

CodenameCrychck: You must have a feeling of emptiness.

Kapitano: And yet I do not. So either the universe is wrong, or your a-priori assertions are wrong. See if you can work out which one is possble.

CodenameCrychck: You keep badgering me about how you believe there's no God.

Kapitano: You are the one badgering an atheist video. I and others are responding to you. Had you forgotten that?

CodenameCrychck: It's time to grow-up and realize everyone has different faiths and not let a christian get to you.

Kapitano: If you *really* believed it was okay for everyone to have different faiths, you wouldn't have been so incensed by the video showing some gaps in yours.

CodenameCrychck: What about all the other religions in the world?

Kapitano: I'm not confronted with a hindu, a bahai or a buddhist. I'm confronted with a christian. Therefore the religion to be disproven is christianity. When you are confronted with a satanist, do you tell them why they shouldn't be a jew?

CodenameCrychck: Satanists worship Satan. Judaism are jews. You're like 50, you should know that. You do have a faith it's called being a atheist.

Kapitano: What kinds of meat do vegetarians eat? What colour hair do bald people have? Which whiskey to teetotallers drink? What is the lifestyle of a corpse?

Atheism isn't faith in the non-existence of a god - it's not having a faith.

You have no problem understanding that a homeless person don't go home to an un-home. But you still can't grasp that some people don't have a religion.

CodenameCrychck: You have faith that when you sit in a chair it won't break.

Kapitano: You're confusing belief in the absence of absolute proof, with faith that goes against the evidence.

I can't prove the sun will rise tomorrow, but I have good (not perfect) reason for thinking it will. You have faith in the various contradictory prophecies of the bible, even though none of them have been fulfilled.

Jesus told a crowd the end of the world would come within many of their lifetimes. It didn't.

CodenameCrychck: Frankly y'all offer the same response. I can't see God, I don't hear God. I don't smell God. By that logic that is stating you don't believe in oxygen because you can't see,smell,or hear oxygen. Plus, it's a two-way street.

Kapitano: Ask someone to strangle you and see what happens. Then get someone to renounce god and watch how nothing happens. Notice the difference?

CodenameCrychck: Yeah, you bother me with your atheism and I "bother" you with christianity."

Kapitano: No, you bother me with your stupidity. Just like a muslim creationist bothers me with *his* stupidity. Or an atheist 911 conspiracy theorist.

Post an argument that isn't stupid and I'll stop being bothered.

CodenameCrychck: You do have a faith it's called being a atheist and having no faith.

Kapitano: I love it when cretins tie themselvesup in knots.

CodenameCrychck: You're like 50 and you think Satanism is the same thing as Judaism.

Kapitano: Good to see your arithmetic hasn't improved.

And neither have your reading skills. What I wrote was: "I'm confronted with a christian. Therefore the religion to be disproven is christianity. When you are confronted with a satanist, do you tell them why they shouldn't be a jew?"

CodenameCrychck: I am a straight A math student, a straight A english student. And anyway, how am I a failure? You're the moron that thinks Jews are satanists. Anyway, you're a dinosaur, get back to your nursing home with your tank of oxygen.

Kapitano: You've been to my profile page to leave a braindead insult, seen my age...and you *still* get it wrong.

Someone as stupid as you couldn't have evolved by chance. You must be unintelligently designed.

CodenameCrychck: You really need to quit acting like a teenager when you're obviously an oldman. Go suck a giraffe, you freak.

As us teenagers say: OMFG! That's so random. Whatever, STFUAD loser.

"A woman enjoyed is a goddess destroyed."
- Germaine Greer


Probably not one for the "Best of Kapitano Vol 3" collection, but here's a quick collaboration with rapper MC Who Izzy for Songfight.

MC Who Izzy & Kapitano - You are the Heartbeat of This Office for Sure (Yellow Magic Version)

At least, it would have been quick if the vocal hadn't needed every denoising trick I know, and the sequencer hadn't decided to get suddenly confused about sampling bitrates.

Anyway, it's a cheerful little rap about sexual harassment at the workplace, and on the plus side, my electronic Japanese shamisen and strings work pretty well..

"Everyone would rather be a madman than a fool."
- Gustave Flaubert

"It is more common for an common disease to present uncommonly than an uncommon disease to present commonly."
- Pal MD

"Beginnings are always difficult."
- Karl Marx