German...y

I like the sound of German.

But what is the sound of German? Short vowels, devoiced terminal consonants, rolled rhotics and lots of sibilent clusters - sure, but can we be a bit more precise than that?

I mean, precise enough to generate fake German utterances plausible enough to fool someone who knows the sound of the language and a hundred or so words, but can't string a sentence together in it? Someone like, er, well, me.

With written German we're quite lucky, in that the written form is a good guide to the spoken sound - though not so much vice versa. There's also a lot of written German around to be analysed.

The Guttenberg Project has ten works by Franz Kafka, which I took as my raw data. I ran it through some word frequency counting software, which gave me a vocabulary of a little over 10,000 words.

Here's the first 1000, together with rough translations courtesy of Google. I've taken out personal names, and words which Google couldn't translate. Might be useful if you're thinking of learning German - or studying the obsessions of Franz Kafka.

undand
derthe
diethe
erhe
zuto
siethey
inin
denthe
nichtnot
ichI
sichitself
esit
dasthe
mitwith
demthe
aberbut
warwas
aufon
eina
istis
dassthat
anto
soso
alsas
wieas
vonof
auchalso
nuronly
imin the
hattehad
desof
ihnhim
nochmore
manyou
ihmhim
ausfrom
schonalready
einea
umat
wennwhen
mirme
fuerfor
sagtesaid
dochbut
dannthen
einenone
vorbefore
michme
zumto
dennbecause
einemone
seinbe
jetztnow
nunnow
dabecause
nachafter
duyou
ueberabout
ihrher
waswhat
durchby
wirwe
jayes
wiederback
habenhave
seinehis
vaterfather
beiat
hathas
immeralways
alleseverything
ganzall
mehrmore
einerone
dieserthis
diesethis
haettewould have
sahsaw
seinemhis
konntecould
kanncan
wirdshall
selbstitself
alleall
muttermother
habehave
ohnewithout
schwestersister
vielleichtmaybe
hierhere
werdenwill
seinerhis
garindeed
wolltewanted
sindare
seinenhis
sehrvery
nichtsnothing
ihnenthem
unterunder
zimmerroom
offizierofficer
zeittime
amat the
warenwere
oderor
ihretheir
waehrendwhile
unsus
kopfhead
einmalonce
zurto
bisto
fastalmost
handhand
keineno
reisendetraveler
alsoso
meinmy
vomfrom
etwassomething
augeneyes
waerewould be
mannman
wurdewas
insin the
wohlprobably
koennencan
diesemthis
heizerstoker
wuerdewould
musstehad
binam
meinemy
weniglittle
bettbed
geradejust
vielmuch
diesesthis
gegenagainst
gleichequal
zweitwo
herrMr.
hindown
machenmake
allerdingsthough
ihrerof her
kaumhardly
gesichtface
keinno
wowhere
fensterwindow
natuerlichcourse
schienseemed
dortthere
sagensay
sollteshould
herrenGentlemen
sogareven
langelong
gingwent
mussmust
gutgood
lassenlet
seiwas
muessenmust
einesone
allenall
warumwhy
kleinensmall
baldsoon
diesenthis
riefcried
anderenother
beimwhen
hattenhad
seineshis
dichyou
weisswhite
erstonly
sehensee
sondernbut
fragteasked
niemandno one
wirklichreally
werdewill
willwants
sofortimmediately
zurueckback
damitso
hieltheld
gewesenbeen
ihrentheir
weilbecause
reisendentraveling
obwhether
standstand
abfrom
kommencome
leichtslightly
familiefamily
kamcame
hinterbehind
erstenfirst
endlichfinally
ganzeall
kapitaenCaptain
zwarindeed
verurteiltesentenced
augenblickmoment
ganzenall
trotzdemnevertheless
elternparents
kleinesmall
kommtcomes
grossenlarge
zwischenbetween
wegaway
heutetoday
liesslet
keinenno
dessenits
weitermore
ihremher
machtemade
dachtethought
wollenwant
daranit
alleinalone
frueherearlier
eggeharrow
rechtright
koenntecould
gewisscertainly
nachtnight
diryou
meinenmean
welchewhich
kommandantencommander
seitepage
anblicksight
zuerstfirst
weitfar
lebenlive
bliebremained
langsamslowly
freundfriend
meinermine
gabwere
bodenground
meinemmy
sonstotherwise
hausehome
manchmalsometimes
grosselarge
tischtable
sollshall
herhere
eigentlichactually
wenigstensat least
soldatsoldier
menschenpeople
begannbegan
besondersparticularly
arbeitwork
hoerteheard
genugenough
sesselchair
wortword
mundmouth
lagwas
solchensuch
offenbarapparently
hoerenlisten
hasthave
nebennext
gehtgoes
wahrscheinlichprobably
ueberhauptat all
altenold
gehengo
diesthis
blickview
koffercase
tundo
nehmentake
uebrigensby the way
oftoften
besserbetter
darueberabout it
bleibenremain
daraufthereon
endeend
zogmoved
leutepeople
andereother
verstandmind
scheintseems
stimmeagree
armpoor
einandereach other
lieberrather
jedereach
festfixed
trotzdespite
fuehltefelt
schliesslichfinally
schwerdifficult
verurteiltensentenced
dreithree
wordenbeen
tatsaechlichactually
vollstaendigcompletely
langenlong
geschehenhappen
stattinstead of
niemalsnever
letztenlast
stehenstand
ruhigquiet
samuelsamuel
sachething
maschinemachine
machtpower
allerall
wissenknow
seitsince
grundreason
esseneat
zeigteshowed
redentalk
davonthereof
luftaerial
fahrtride
exekutionexecution
glaubenbelieve
hoblifted
etwaabout
dienerservant
ruherest
gewordenbecome
gemachtmade
gegenueberopposite
kraftby virtue of
neuenew
paarpair
abendevening
nahmtook
obenabove
wohnungapartment
morgentomorrow
bistare
sehesee
bedienerincharwoman
apparatapparatus
sohnson
hungernhunger
ehebefore
neinno
unsereour
welcherwhich
soldatensoldiers
senatorsenator
stillsilent
kurzshort
vielenmany
teilpart
vielemany
urteiljudgment
damalsthen
genauexactly
solchesuch
gleichzeitigsimultaneously
ebenjust
meinungopinion
fielfell
glaubethink
bewegungmovement
gassealley
werwho
haendenhands
vatersfather
haettenhad
einigesome
wussteknew
wagenventure
erstefirst
gehoertheard
tagday
frauenwomen
kommandantcommander
meinesmine
herrnmr
hilfehelp
weltworld
tagedays
tratentered
deshalbtherefore
fasstesummarized
beidentwo
halsneck
schlosscastle
warfthrew
onkeluncle
dadurchthereby
jahrenyears
andernother
gehabthad
verlorenlost
blossjust
gretegrete
schlugbeat
wuerdenwould
schlafsleep
alteold
zimmersroom
laengstlong ago
frauwoman
untenbelow
ueberdiesabout this
verlassenleave
freundefriends
gesagtsaid
kanapeesofa
fallcase
gekommencome
pferdehorses
grosserlarge
nienever
wollewool
schiffship
allemall
fernedistance
namenname
glaubtebelieved
gebengive
erfahrenlearn
bittePlease
armepoor
wortewords
sagesaga
dazuto
hochhigh
gesehenseen
immerfortconstantly
haltenhold
mueheMuehe
redespeech
laesstcan
andersotherwise
jedeneach
sagtsays
offenopen
hoeheheight
bureaubureau
findenfind
bringenbring
fandfound
platzspace
frueherenformer
brustchest
jungeyoung
gleichenequal
aufrechtupright
hervorout
sollenmust
wandwall
reisetravel
kuechekitchen
leibbody
wurdenwere
unsererour
liefran
einfachjust
langlong
uhrclock
zeichnerartist
halbhalf
weisewise
geradezualmost
stehtis
suchtesought
kaefigcage
lauterpure
dunkeldark
denento those
sichersafe
legteput
weilchenwhile
merktenoted
beinelegs
alterage
jenerthat
helfenhelp
unserour
vorzimmeranteroom
klangsound
dingethings
setztecontinued
gedankenmind
klarclear
irgendwiesomehow
bereitready
grubepit
spaeterlater
niederdown
infolgeas a result
damenLadies
fragequestion
dafuerfor that
verfahrenmethod
ploetzlichsuddenly
beideboth
bestimmtcertainly
uebrigenrest
vergessenforget
kindchild
stummdumb
gibtare
zimmerherrenmens room
dabeithere
stelltepresented
zeichensign
moeglichpossible
fuenffive
wolltenwanted
hineininside
ganggear
dagegenhowever
gelegenheitopportunity
immerhinafter all
naemlichnamely
leisequietly
pferdhorse
erklaerungenexplanations
heizersheater
lautloud
riemenbelt
absichtintention
wegenbecause of
muedetired
fremdeforeign
jedemeach
druecktepressured
denkenthink
stundenhours
nebenzimmernext room
ausserdemalso
schlafensleep
daherhence
deineyour
duerfenallowed to
liegtis
jahreyears
prokuristenattorney
kamencame
aufmerksamattentively
liegenlie
siehtsees
heisstie
darfmay
willensake
treppestairs
sorgenprovide
leiderunfortunately
beugtebent
draussenout
standenwere
sinnsense
unmoeglichimpossible
freifree
menschman
gutengood
tiefdeep
sahensaw
spaetlate
fragenask
auswegway out
raschrapidly
nahenear
laechelnsmile
zeigenshow
irgendeinesome
armenpoor
geoeffnetOpened
drehteturned
manchesome
offiziersofficer
ohrear
neuennew
lachenlaugh
naeheclose
bekamgot
hereinin
keinernone
jedenfallsanyhow
trugcontributed
tiereanimals
chefchief
schwachweak
oeffneteswung open
geldmoney
hemdshirt
abendsin the evening
wederneither
neffennephew
ihrestheir
konntencould
gehngo
eiltehurried
herumaround
seitenpages
getandone
gebrachtbrought
kastenbox
rechterights
diesmalthis time
zugtrain
angstfear
letztelast
besuchvisit
schreckenscare
lichtlight
mengequantity
flaschebottle
inzwischenmeanwhile
antworteteanswered
allmaehlichgradually becoming
artkind
erhobrose
anderesother
gutegood
verhaeltnisseconditions
darumtherefore
sprechenspeak
haeltholds
lesenread
durftecould
lustlust
moeglichstas possible
richtigproperly
unglueckmisfortune
wohinwhere
muessemust
launemood
hinaufup
linksleft
pelzfur
zustandstate
bauchbelly
zeitentimes
gerngladly
gelegtdown
arztdoctor
stellungposition
hinunterdown
ununterbrochencontinuously
rechtenright
jemandsomeone
beispielexample
wohnzimmerliving room
wasserwater
schrittesteps
eigenenown
kinderchildren
briefletter
verstandenunderstood
fingerfinger
vergnuegenstrict people
grundeBasically
grosslarge
foermlichformally
stadtcity
gesprochenspoken
stiessjoined
gefuehlcarcass
schuettelteshook
moebelmoebel
herausout
kriechencrawl
schwaecheweakness
lippenlips
folgenfollow
hinghung
leutenpeople
breitwide
zeigtshows
dunklendark
bekommenget
bestenbest
fussspitzenfoot peaks
kennenknow
schuldresponsible
hintenbehind
oeftersoften
lauferun
voelligcompletely
sitztsitting
zeitungnewspaper
sehnsee
maglike
krankill
erinnerungmemory
leerenempty
zweifellosundoubtedly
schwereheavy
erstenmalfirst
naturnature
schriecried
antwortanswer
richtungdirection
entschlossendetermined
strecktestretched
schreibtischdesk
geringsteleast
holenget
arbeitenwork
sprangjumped
jakobJames
fehlererror
erklaerungdeclaration of compliance
bisherso far
angezogenattracted
freiheitfreedom
fertigready
fallenfall
weisstknow
blicktelooked
freilichof course
knappjust
fruehstueckbreakfast
stellelocation
erkannterecognized
sitzensit
vorlaeufigtemporary custody
rechtsright
besonderespecial
sprachsaid
ebensoas well
gegenwaertigenpresent
blutblood
jedeseach
wundewound
euchyou
impresarioimpresario
bleibtremains
ertragenendure
erklaerenexplain
hoffnunghope
geschlossenclosed
bekanntenknown
schliessenclose
fuhrdrove
spielgame
fingbegan
bewegungenmovements
haushouse
schlechtbad
messerknife
stirnforehead
interesseinterest
suchensearch
erinnerteremembered
stockstock
allzuall too
himmelHeaven
schlagenbeat
vergassforgot
kleinessmall
erdeEarth
frischfresh
vorsichtigcarefully
lagenwere
gingenwent
radwheel
einzigesingle
aufsagain
nadelnneedles
zusammentogether
haarhair
achoh
legenput
freudejoy
vorueberpast
hinueberover
erhaltenget
ansehenview
genuegtSuffice
blickelook
bliebenremained
ordnungorder
nicktenod
eilighastily
winkelangle
siebenseven
heimathome
meldungmessage
huthat
zukunftfuture
wirstwill
fremdenforeign
violineviolin
beschaeftigtbusy
tagenmeet
weinencry
araberArab
taschepocket
naehercloser
groessteLargest
traurigsad
erwartetexpected
muesstewould have to
schultershoulder
tagesup
jeever
versuchentry
destomore
koerpersbody
augeeye
gittergrid
gelaenderbinge
tatdeed
erscheinenappear
glasglass
fremderforeign
freundlichfriendly
durchausquite
tragenbear
fragtasks
entfernungremoval
augenblicklichinstantly
aneinandertogether
merkennotice
tuerentueren
besonderenspecial
erreichenreach
pruefenexamine
scheinbarseemingly
benehmenbehavior
fussfoot
jedeeach
draengteurged
darintherein
stoerendisturb
vertrauentrust
amerikaAmerica
sassensat
herzlichcordially
kurzeshort
keinemno
torgate
stellenset
schreibenwrite
schriftfont
koloniecolony
uebrigleft
erschienappeared
engclosely
beinenlegs
blickenlook
leerempty
zogenattracted
fingernfumble
gluecklichhappy
starkstrong
anstrengungeffort
derentheir
deckeceiling
dorthinthere
tischeTables
eindruckimpression
irgendsome
publikumaudience
blattleaf
gefundenfound
mannesmannes
gesellschaftsociety
veraenderungencourage promotion
gewoehnlichenhabitual
erhobenraised
nutzlosuseless
geschlafenslept
steinstone
geschahhappened
vollkommencompletely
schoenenice
verstehenunderstand
verlierenlose
nimmttakes
gelangsucceeded
entferntdistant
kommCome
brauchteneeded
trittoccurs
nahmentook
laechelndsmiling
ernstseriously
offenenopen
quercrosswise
mittlereaverage
moeglicherweisepossibly
ueberalleverywhere
deutlichclearly
verlangtdemands
meistmostly
schadenharm
vierfour
stillesilence
ernsthaftseriously
schwarzenblack
rosapink
vorwaertsvorwaerts
bittenask
hinabdown
kuenstlerkuenstler
fuehrteled
sonneSun
nachtmahlsupper
schoenenbeautiful
spielenplay
gewonnenwon
gelegenlocated
fleischmeat
beobachteteobserved
stiegrose
eilehurry
vorstellungidea
mehrmalsrepeatedly
aufmerksamkeitattention
peitschewhip
schriebwrote
jungenyoung
leintuchsheet
gespenstghost
stundehour
gegebengiven
versuchtetried
ausserexcept
solltenshould
eintrittadmission
lasselet
setztsets
gassengas
aufseheroverseer
setzenset
bootboat
unbedingtnecessarily
schobpushed
liefenran
zweckpurpose
losoff
wangecheek
verstehtunderstands
klopfteknocked
hohenhigh
laufenrun
gelungensuccessful
wattewadding
gehobenelevated
schmerzpain
lebenslife
ansans
taeglichdaily
gernegladly
kannteknew
ruhigenquiet
schakaleJackals
genuegteenough
hierherhere
seienwere
bestimmtencertain
filzfelt
beobachtenwatch
bemerkteremarked
gesetzlaw
engenclose
solleshould
strohstraw
moechteIdeally
vollfully
schmalennarrow
stufestage
gezwungenforced
heutigentoday
tratenwere
jungeryoung
neffenephew
fruehearly
zwischendecksteerage
befehlcommand
ausdruckexpression
mochteliked
spielteplayed
kenneknow
verlobungengagement
bewundernadmire
gefaelltLike
frohglad
peinlichembarrassing
gottGod
erkanntrecognized


So how to break this down into sounds? Well, I took the list of words, and broke each word into alternating clusters of consonants and vowels. Each cluster is one or more phoneme in length, eg. /s/, /ts/, /Sp/, /Spl/ etc.

For instance, "gespitzten" becomes: g + e + sp + i + tzt + e + n

Half an hour of search-and-replacing later, and each phonetic 'cluster' is represented by just one string of characters - so for example, every instance of 'ee' becomes 'ie', because they represent the same vowel.

And I can make a frequency list of which sounds occur at the start of words, which at the end, and which in the middle.

Here are the word-initial vowels. The second column is the number of words in the 10,000 word frequency list which start with that vowel.

e485
a472
u397
au359
ei218
ue137
i100
o75
ae37
oe15

And here's the list of word-initial consonant-clusters. I've left out the 13 which occur in less than 10 words.

f985
b665
g653
h589
w477
z343
l331
m313
r293
s286
d270
k268
n266
st200
t172
sch168
fr106
p89
tr89
schw85
gr82
schl77
fl69
br67
j67
str65
kl64
sp64
gl58
bl57
kr55
zw46
dr45
schr42
pr37
schn23
schm23
kn22
pl20
spr18
pf14
ch10

Medial vowels.

e8502
a2189
i2169
u1594
o1223
ei937
ue740
ae665
ie577
au290
oe264
eu162

And medial consonants. The 589(!) that occur less than ten times are omitted.

r818
g691
s657
t646
n627
nd534
l478
b436
ng406
m370
ch366
f365
d320
h309
rt246
sch239
st232
k230
nt191
cht186
lt184
w150
rl142
rg136
rf126
rst108
nz106
rw105
hr102
rz102
rb99
rh96
nk96
rd95
nf85
rs85
rk83
rm81
z81
nb80
nst77
tz77
sg73
kt72
gt67
nl65
tr61
rsch60
ns59
p54
ft53
gk52
nh50
ld50
nsch49
fg48
gl46
hl46
rtr45
rn45
nr44
fr43
hm42
ndl41
gr41
pp40
hn38
bl38
kl37
bg35
tzt35
sz34
br34
nw33
schl33
dr31
ngl30
fz29
fl28
rbr28
nm28
chk28
sp27
mt26
hrt26
lb26
tl25
lg24
mpf24
pf24
chn23
chl23
gn23
chs22
str22
bt22
ntl22
tsch22
fn21
sf21
lz20
spr19
tw19
fs19
hnt19
rch19
chz18
lk18
schr18
sl18
rschl18
mp18
bz17
chst17
rkl17
rschw17
lst17
ntsch17
gg16
ntr16
nschl16
gst16
sr16
ngst15
schw15
ht15
sh15
rsp15
ngt15
ntw15
rnd15
lf15
ntg14
kg14
tm14
ml14
sw14
hlt13
rfl13
nkt13
sm13
fst13
hnl13
chtl13
rcht13
rdr13
chg13
bs12
nft12
nstr12
ph12
lm12
ntschl12
ftl12
rspr12
nfl12
stg12
bh12
schn12
ls12
kn12
mg12
lch12
aa11
nspr11
fh11
hrl11
rdn11
nbl11
rp11
kr11
ks11
nth11
rschr11
lh11
rbl10
tzl10
zw10
bw10
mb10
eo10
mk10
fm10
ngs10
mst10

The termial vowels.

e1802
ie42
ei29
a27
o19
u10
au12
ue12

And the terminal consonants. Again, I've left out the 78 which end less than 10 words.

n3130
r701
t580
s431
nk354
k287
ch233
l196
m170
kt163
lt135
rt129
rn115
cht105
ft74
st72
ns61
rs51
f51
nt47
nkt45
hn44
ht41
tzt41
ln40
sch39
hrt39
tt37
p36
ls32
pt31
mt30
hr28
tz24
hl20
h20
rk17
rm15
scht14
nst14
rnt13
rst13
hnt12
rrt12
rf11
hlt11
rkt11
ks10


Words can now be produced by the following algorithm:

Word :==
[initial vowel + [medial consonant + medial vowel]* + terminal consonant]
|
[initial vowel + [medial consonant + medial vowel]* + medial vowel + terminal consonant]
|
[initial consonant + [medial vowel + medial consonant]* + terminal vowel]
|
[initial consonant + [medial vowel + medial consonant]* + medial vowel + terminal consonant]

The probability of any consonant or vowel is given by the second column in the lists.

And so, our first line of fake German:
Fasinde aut Bechank Hiruchtie Geran


Now I just need to, erm, get good enough in a programming language a little more recent than QBasic...to start making pseudo-Goethe.

Advice for Teachers

If you're thinking of working as a teacher, especially an EFL/ESL teacher, this is what I've learned after six years.

Keep reserves.

Always keep a set of spare lessons ready to go, because if an activity fails or it turns out the class already know what you're teaching, you'll need something to replace it with. And if that fails, something else again.

Students can spot a fake.

Whether it's a fake smile, fake enthusiasm or confidence, fake anger or patience...or fake knowledge of the subject, you won't fool them.

Be nice.
 
If they don't like you, you may as well not try to teach them. If they do, and they still make no progress, you're a lousy teacher.

The good news is: Students who like their teachers tend to believe they've been taught a lot and well - even if they've made no progress at all.

You control what you put in, not what they get out.

Saying "I taught them X" and saying "They learned X" are two completely different statements.

You might find yourself teaching one bit of vocabulary three times, but they only learn it when you say it casually while explaining something else. Whatever you think you're teaching, you're teaching other things too.

Many students just don't want to learn.

It's not your job to make them.

Some want to have learned, but don't want to go through the process. Some are in your class because their parents or employers want them there. And some joined in a moment of madness.

Whatever the reason, you are a resource for those who want to use it, not a drill sargeant.

You are sometimes a counsellor.

But you are not a mother. Or a friend.

Everyone has off-days.

If your student is ill, exhausted, depressed, hungover or stoned, let them take it easy.

If that involves letting them sleep at the back while you revise with their classmates, fine. If it involves the class watching a video - for which you have prepared a vocabulary list, in case the boss looks in - no problem.

Are you a people person?

Be prepared to become fond of your students, tolerant of your colleagues, and spittingly hateful of your boss.

If you have some other configuration of emotions, you're in the wrong job.

Love - don't do it.

We've all seen it happen - sex and/or romance between students and teachers.

Usually it's the student's idea, and it usually doesn't last long. But it takes a degree of emotional maturity from all parties to deal with the aftermath.

Employers, the general public and some colleagues do not have emotional maturity, so just make sure they don't find out about it.

Some slopes are slippery.

Alcohol is the drug of choice among teachers. I don't know why - with the hours and workload, I'd have thought amphetamines. If you don't have a colleague with incipient alcoholism...well, you probably do, but don't know about it yet.

Pace yourself.

You have a certain amount of energy every day. If you can't function without a cup of coffee between each lesson, you have exceeded this amount. This is not heroically giving of yourself, or going above and beyond the call of duty, nor is it everyone admiring you for having boundless energy, This is called running on empty until you crash.

After five years it's called Burnout.

You can't beat the clock.

You are not paid to teach an hour of english. You are paid to be available and ready between (say) 7pm and 8pm. If the student turns up at 7:30, they get half an hour, and they pay the full amount. If they don't turn up at all, and don't have a good reason, they're still contracted to pay.

Make sure this is crystal clear before the first lesson.

The other side is that you're paid to teach the full hour, even if you've finished after 45 minutes. Take up the time with practice, conversation, or games - what seems like ways to fill time can be the most useful part of the lesson, though you can't predict whether it will.

What they need isn't what they want.

Most students want to learn facts, not a skill. And those who don't generally want the skill and are impatient with facts. The latter are the one's who'll get good at the language, but actually they need both.

Teaching grammar is out of fashion, but without it all you can teach is cliched conversation - or the dictionary.

When a measure becomes a target, it ceases to measure.

You can teach students the language, or how to pass the exam. Exams don't test for ability in the subject, they test for memory of the syllabus.

This is why, whatever mark they got in the exam which ascertained their level, and thus put them in the class of that level - your class - a large minority will be a lot better or worse than their grade suggests. If you're lucky, this means you'll get one or two very able students who can help teach the others.

Teach what you know.

Use your regional accent, your vocabulary, your habits of speech. Not those of the textbook writers, and not those of whichever prestige group the students regard as 'standard'.

You can teach about how other people speak to some extent, but if you try to teach someone else's dialect, you'll get it wrong.

Find some common ground.

Bored teacher + Interested class = Bored class
Interested teacher + Bored class = Nothing learned
Bored teacher + Bored class = Even more bored teacher and class
Interested teacher + Interested class = Progress

Teach what you care about, provided they like it too.

A school is a business, not a service.

Student fees are the school's source of income - from a business point of view, the actual students are an inconvenience. To the owner, teachers are a necessary evil, not what makes a school possible, and providing resources is a drain on funds.

None of the methods work.

And some of them don't even exist.

The Callan method consists entirely of reciting question and answer pairs like: "Is a banana a vegetable? No, a banana is not a vegetable, but a cabbage is". Suggestopedia in practice means "do whatever you think makes students feel unpressured". Total Physical Response is "mime the words as you say them".

The "communicative" method is simply "get students talking as much as possible, and don't teach grammar". There is no method, just some vague aims. The reasons behind the aims are (1) practice is good and (2) teachers don't know grammar.

You don't need to know what the letters mean.

IELTS, TOEFL, iBT, NNS, VESL, ETS, CAL/CALL....

Usually they mean something that doesn't need an abbreviation, eg. Computer Assisted Learning, Non-Native Speakers, Educational Testing Service.

Otherwise, knowing what the letters stand for doesn't actually tell you anything, eg. Test Of English as a Foreign Language, International English Language Testing System. Almost no one who teaches them knows, and it doesn't help if they do.

There are sometimes hairline differences between TEFL (Teaching English as a Foreign Language), TESOL (Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages), TESL (Teaching English as a Second Language) and other names for the same job. But I've never known them to make a practical difference in the classroom.

Most of the textbooks are rubbish.

They're not just boring, badly planned and badly written. Often they're just plain wrong.

Don't be afraid to openly disagree with the book in front of the class - so long as you can give a good reason why. And if you later find you're wrong, admit that too.

Use and develop your own materials if possible.

When you do use textbooks, quality beats quantity - one or two good ones are a blessing - 20 bad ones are a curse. If you find just one that's great, use the hell out of it, and get to know it backwards.

Silence is not bad.

If you need to stop and think, stop and think. Though if you need to think for more than 30 seconds, you probably won't find the answer after a minute.

If a student needs to pause while remembering a word or working out a spelling, saying something encouraging to fill the awkward silence will only distract them.

Know your roles. The real ones.

All the managing that needs to be done, is best done by teachers. All the administration that needs to be done, is best done by the secretary. All the provisioning that needs to be done, is best done by the owner.

Secretaries doing management, teachers doing admin, owners trying to teach - all recepies for disaster.

And finally....

Teaching EFL is a way to see the world, not to make money. Training people who want to be teachers is the reverse.

Most schools run on a shoestring budget. Most go bankrupt - several times.

As with every other profession, incompetence is the norm.

Saul Alinsky was right. If it's no fun at all, you're doing it wrong.

Most advice is wrong.

I Meta Man Who Wasn't There

One of the problems inherent in teaching is the difficulty of finding a metalanguage. That is, of inventing or locating a set of terms - and therefore a theory which uses them - which describes what you're trying to teach.

There are dozens of overlapping metalanguages for teaching english, with terms like Noun, Object, Phrasal Verb, Modal Verb, Determiner, Clause and Conditional.

Some of them have more than one meaning, some have confused meanings - in that they mix up issues of grammar with those of semantics, common usage etc. - and some I think refer to things which don't exist in English. But that's a rant for another post.

My problem at the moment is coming up with a metalanguage which describes English...in Arabic.

In english, we think of vocal sound as a concatenation of phonemes - a chain of sounds. The word 'dog' is [d] + [o] + [g], where the vowel [o] might have one sound in West London, England (maybe /o:/ - 'Dorg') and another in Austin, Texas (perhaps /au:/ - 'Dawg'), but in both places it's part of a system of vowels where the relationships between them are (usually) the same.

Arabs...doesn't think of vowels as phonemes at all. In their model, you can think of a word as a train journey between several stations, usually 3. The stations are the consonants, and the vowels are the tracks between them. So the vowels are ways of getting from one fixed point to another, not fixed points themselves.

If you change the line of the track, the base meaning of the word doesn't change, but the detail of the meaning does. This 'detail' is whether you have a verb referring to two women doing the action to something else in the present, a verb for more than two men doing it to each other in the past, a noun naming the place where the verb usually happens, and so on.

It's a complicated, elegant, and very different theory, tying phonetics and semantics together in a way that would make no sense for non-semitic languages.

In English, verbs come in two forms, which I label V1 and V2. Both have many functions, but V1 often refers to the present, and V2 to the past - so most books call them 'past' and 'present' forms. We say verbs 'decline for tense', that is, they change form according to time.

Almost all verbs produce two participles - P1 and P2 - and almost all participles are produced by verbs. P2 is always V1 + 'ing' - thinking, wanting, giving etc. P1 is identical in form to V2 in regular verbs (listen, drag, push etc), and different in about 200 irregular ones (come, wake, eat etc.)

Participles can function as adjectives (eg, the eaten food, the running man), and P2 is also used for gerunds, that is nouns which name the action (eg, eating is done here, running is healthy).

P1 refers to actions which are completed, whether in the past or present. P2 is for actions which are ongoing, past or present. Thus: 'The food is eaten', but 'The family is eating'. So we can say that participles 'decline for completedness', whether the action is finished at the time we're talking about.

In conventional English grammar, completedness is combined with whether or not the focus is on the action or the consequences of the action, in a category called 'aspect'. Thus there are reckoned to be four aspects:


  • He eats / He ate - completed, focus on action
  • He is eating / He was eating - not completed, focus on action
  • He has eaten / He had eaten - completed , focus on result
  • He has been eating / He had been eating - not completed, focus on result


So here's the first problem: Arabic doesn't have participles. It doesn't have anything like them. When arabic textbooks talk about participles, they're taking about nouns which refer to the doer or receiver of an action, eg. payer and payee.

For my students I need to describe an entire lexical category which doesn't have a near-equivalent in their language. An important one, which by the way also has several different functions.

Here's the second problem: Arabic verbs also come in two flavours, but depending on what other words are present, they decline for compledness. Or tense. Or both at the same time.

In English we show the time in the verb itself - the choice of V1 or V2. We show the aspect with the auxiliary verbs 'be' and 'have' - and the time with the V1/V2 choice on the auxiliary if it's the first verb in the sentence.

In Arabic, the completedness and the time of an action are shown ambiguously by the V1/V2 choice in the verb itself, which is only disambiguated by surrounding particle words. The nearest analog in English is words like 'yet' and 'ago'.

It's difficult enough to explain all this to native English speakers. I've got to do it in fragments of a language where the words for past and present (maadhi and mudhaara) also mean completed and not completed.

This is the metalanguage I've come up with so far for talking about English grammar in terms of Arabic grammar:

Sentence - Juumla
Statement - Juumla fe~elia
Question - su~al
Command - amr

Noun - ism
Verb - fe~el
Auxiliary Verb: fe~el musa~aad
Adjective - seifa
Particle: haarf
Preposition: haarf al Jaar
Non-prepositional part of prepositional Phrase: ism mejrur
Intensifier - hal al hal [provisional]

Subject - fa~il
Object - maf~ul
Phrase - ibaara
Noun Phrase - ibaara ism
Verb Phrase - ibaara fa~il
Adjective Phrase - ibaara seifa
Adverb Phrase - ibaara hal [possibly]

Prepositional Phrase of Place - dhaarf makaann
Prepositional Phrase of Time - dhaarf zamaan
Prepositional Phrase - [provisionally use ibaara muunharif, translation borrowing of 'Oblique Phrase']

X of Y - mudhaaf [second part of gentive phrase]
X of Y - mudhaaf ileeH [first part of gentive phrase]

Transitive Verb - fe~el mutaad
Intransitive Verb - fe~el mutaad leisa, or fe~el laazim
Ditransitive Verb - [don't know]

In present time - Fii mudhaara
In past time - Fii maadh
With Completion - maa nihaya
Without Completion - beduun nihaya
With Result - maa netizha
Without Result - beduun netizha

Figurative or Metaphorical - majaazi


Double vowels are pronounced long, vowels in italics are emphasised syllables - the two are not the same in words with no long vowels. The '~' indicates the vowel has an emphatic gutteral explosive onset and the throat remains open while it's in progress - say the vowel deep in the back of the throat. In other words, it represents the 'consonant' Ayn. 'u' is as in 'put', 'dh' is 'th' in 'this', 'j' is 'j' in 'jazz', 'H' is a breathy 'h'.

This is of course a work in progress, but so far it's proven useful.