What a Difference, a Comma Makes

I should really install a spam filter. But that would deprive me of subject lines like this:

Only 1% men have a dick, with a measure of 8 inches.

and this:

Get your body in gear inverse

With content like this:

Our penis enIargement pills Virility P@tch RX will m@ke your penis so long that you will be able to reach to your neighbor’s window to borrow some condoms without leaving home.
Do you want to have a huge penis like Rasputin did?

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I can't find the hundreds of exotic drums - well, the disc of samples thereof. No doubt it's under a pile of other discs under a pile of paper. Another reason to continue with the spring clean.

On the synthesised drum front, I have finally figured out how to make analog style handclaps. It's only taken me about eight years to find the insultingly simple formula.

In case I forget tomorrow morning: Here's how you make a synthetic handclap in the style of an 80s analog drum machine:
(1) Take some white noise
(2) Fade out the first twelve milliseconds, then the second twelve, then the third twelve. It doesn't have to be twelve - it can be between ten and fifteen, but I think twelve works best.
(3) From the 36th (or whichever) millisecond, fade out the final 48 (or therabouts) milliseconds. The result is three sharp clicks, together sounding like a camera shutter, immidiately followed by a longer click. (This is the bit I was missing.)

The curve of fadeout makes a significant difference - I suggest between 1 (linier) and 0.5. You might want to try noise generated at low bandwidths, or lower bitrates, for that 'grainy' feel the original machines had.

I'm still working on hihats. TR909 hihats were samples, so I can't really synthesise them, but TR808 ones sounds like narrow band blue noise over a triangle wave.
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New comedy show: TittyBangBang. I only mention it because it is genuinely the worst comedy I have ever seen. Far and away. Period.

If the League of Gentlemen did a sketch about a necrophilliac pathologist, it might work. They can get humour out of the grotesque - TBB can't. And seeing as all TBB's sketches are about making grotesque things funny, this is a problem for the show.

If The Fast Show presented us with a flirtatious maid who tried vainly to be seductive while being knowingly coy, it might raise a laugh. The Fast Show could get a lot of milage from frequently repeated catchphrases and broadly drawn character types. TBB can't, and given that TBB endlessly repeats and revisits the same characters and catchphrases, this doesn't bode well.

Little Britain might even make something from a ladies sewing circle who are naked below the waist and have to keep brushing past each other. Their improbable characters can be fun. But guess what, TBB can't even reach that level.

The notion of bad plastic surgery leaking is not challenging. Inappropriate background music is not meaningful. An elderly hiphop homeboy is not original. A boorish and bullying darts player who can't play darts is not funny.

Jesus Christ it was crap.