The God Diet

I know what the world needs! A christian diet book!

Lose weight the holy way. Let god make you thin. How to get the figure you want by following the levitical food laws. It's all laid out in a few chapters of the old testament.

If an animal 'cheweth the cud' - i.e. is a ruminant - and has cloven hooves, then you're allowed to eat it (Lev 11:13).

Camels are ruminants, but have uncloven feet, so they're forbidden (Lev 11:13). The same goes for pigs (Lev 11:17), so ham is out, and anyone who's eaten bacon is going to hell. Hares and rabbits (Lev 11:15-16) chew the cud but don't have hooves, cloven or otherwise, so they're forbidden.

I suspect the devil is not a ruminant, so even though he has hooves, you probably can't eat him.

No matter how hungry you get, you must not eat cats or dogs. Or in fact anything with paws (Lev 11:27).

As for seafood, there's a simple test. If it's got fins and/or scales, you can eat it. If it doesn't you can't (Lev 11:9-12, Deu 14:9-10). Clams, oysters, crabs, lobsters, and shrimp are abominations. So are prawns, probably. But dolphins are okay, and sushi should be just fine.

If you like eating birds, there's a wide choice. Eagles, ossifrages and ospreys (Lev 11:13), vultures and kites (Lev 11:14), ravens (11:15), owls, hawks and cookoos (11:16), cormorants, swans, pelicans, storks, herons, lapwings and bats (Lev 11:17-19) - all these are permitted.

Bats aren't actually birds, but god doesn't know that, only being their creator.

Weasels, mice, tortoises, ferrets, chameleons, moles and all lizards are forbidden. So are snails, even if you're french (Lev 11:30). Fruit from trees less than three years old is 'uncircumcised' (Lev 19:23). Black pudding is extremely bad, as is anything containing blood (Lev 19:26).

If you're hungry for 'flying creeping things', you can eat insects that have four feet, provided their legs are above their feet (Lev 11:21). Should you find an insect that keeps it's legs underneath it's feet, don't eat it.

You can eat all the locusts, beetles and grasshoppers you like (Lev 11:22). However, all other four legged insects are out of bounds. As it happens there's no such thing as a four legged insect, so the issue is unlikely to arise.

And now for the healthy bit. When cooking meat, cut off all the fat and give it to god (Lev 3:16, Lev 7:23-25).

If all this should become too much for you, don't worry, because elsewhere in the bible it says you can eat whatever you want (Gen 9:3, Mk 7:18-20, Acts 10:9-13, Rom 14:2, 1 Tim 4:1-3).

Unfortunately, there are no biblical references to chocolate.

1 comment:

  1. My mistake. Dolphins have fins. Or possibly Phins. So - good chrisians should not eat anything containing dolphin product. The same goes for sharks.

    Incidentally, I've tried to look it up in various dictionaries, but I still have no idea what an Ossifrage is, apart from a permitted bird.