Kooking with Kapitano

I tend to be awake in the early hours of the morning, and I'm often hungry at odd hours. Creeping downstairs to fix some food is a problem because the lightest of footsteps wakes up the dogs, who spend the next ten minutes waking everyone else up, jumping around and barking. This makes me unpopular.

So what I really need...is a kitchen in my bedroom. I've got a kettle and a miniature teapot, so what else do I need?

Here's Kapitano's recipe for Bedroom Kedgeree - fishless version - using whatever I could grab from the kitchen before going to bed. You will need:

  • 1 Kettle, filled with water
  • 1 teapot
  • 1 teabag
  • 1 cup
  • 1 3/4 empty carton of slightly out-of-date milk
  • 1 plastic container that contained takeaway spicy noodles a week ago (washed)
  • 1 old t-shirt lying on the floor
  • 1 fork
  • 1 pepper shaker
  • 1 sink with running water, or 1 bucket of water
  • 1 packet of brown rice
  • 1 egg

  • 1) Boil the kettle. Meanwhile put three handfuls of brown rice and one egg into a small plastic bag.

    2) Add half the boiling water to the bag, then put the bag inside the kettle. Reboil two or three times at five minute intervals. Meanwhile put a teabag in the kettle.

    3) After twenty or so minutes periodic reboiling, pour the water outside the bag from the kettle into the teapot. Take out the bag. Optionally add milk (or lemon juice) to the teapot.

    4) Drain the water in the bag. If you have a sieve, use that, otherwise carefully pour the water down the sink, or into some convenient receptacle, like a bucket.

    You may need to improvise some gloves - use any discarded t-shirts lying around. Be sure to fold them so they're four layers thick.

    5) Take out the egg, remove the shell, and mash up the egg and yolk in your plastic carton.

    6) Squeeze as much water as you can out of the rice in the bag, then add the rice to the container.

    7) Add pepper and mix in.

    I'm eating it now. Not bad - could use some butter and a little more boiling. I should keep some tinned fish up here for next time.

    The rice bag would be reusable if I hadn't punctured it (with the fork) so it could drain, so in future I'll get a sieve up here. That way it won't be quite so painful.

    So there you have it. Kedgeree, Kapitano style - cooked entirely in the kettle. And not a woken dog in sight. I might try pasta tomorrow.

    The alternative of course is to sleep downstairs.


    1. Perhaps you ought to have some bowls of ramen noodles. Just add hot water. I have a bunch of them--cups of ramen. And to spice things up a bit, I do drain the noodle stew liquid into a cup. Then add either canned meats or canned fish to the noodles.

      Perhaps if you fed/bribed the dogs, they wouldn't bother waking up other people.

    2. You need a houseboy to hand feed you and cater to your every whim.

    3. Have a chat with the dogs. Tell them that if they bark at night you'll be very, very sad, and possibly hellishly cross, too.

      It works wonders with cats. They never bark.

    4. @Eroswings:

      Yes, noodles sound good. I've started small with rice, pasta, tinned fish, pepper and salt. All things which can sit happily unrefrigerated on the shelf for weeks if necessary.

      The parents are already moaning about how it might be a fire hazard to boil things in the kettle instead of a pan. Exactly why it might cause fires isn't something they've worked out yet.

      If I had a houseboy, I'd forget to eat :-).


      Erm, yes. Thank you.

      It's true I talk to the dogs, and they appear to pay attention - in a puzzled kind of way. People think you're mad if you talk to lamposts, but not if you talk to dogs. Odd, that.

    5. Lovely recipe... mind if I include it in my cookbook? :-)

      Just wondering... how old do you have to be before your parents stop worrying that every time you light a match you're going to burn down the house? I'm in my third decade of life and they are still telling me to be careful with fire.

      I talk to lamposts and to my cats. The lamposts pay more attention.

    6. Children stop being children, but parents never stop being parents. That's why children become more bearable over the years, and parents less.

      A few minutes ago my father accused me of making a fan heater overheat by filling it with fluff. I really shouldn't bother responding to him.

    7. kedgeree should have curry powder in it - and that can stay on ashelf for ages. maybe a microwave in the bedroom? or a small stove/oven - £50 in argos. i used one for ages in my bedroom with no troubles. i also used a sandwich toaster to cook bacon. bullimic necessity is the mother of crap culinary invention.