Oh Blow!

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"Pissed on a girl and she liked it
Taste of urea from dick
Pissed in her mouth just to try it
'Cos my girlfriend don't like it
That jet so long
It smells so ripe
My bladder's empty tonight
Sprayed on her face and she liked it
She liked it"
- Me, in a lapse of good taste, on YouTube.

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How many meanings can you think of for "Blow Off"? I've got five:

1) "I like to blow the froth off my beer" - literal and uncomplicated. You blow, the froth goes off.

2) "I ask politely, but they just blow me off" - to dismiss. Mainly American, but may be in declining use, thanks to...

3) "Blow me off, bitch!" - the ancient art of languolipal phallostimulation.

4) "The bomb blew off at six" - not often used now.

5) "Yuk! Did you just blow off?" - to fart!

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"Blow on" is easier, with two:

1) "Blow on the fire to make it brighter"

2) "Don't stop blowing - blow on" - I bet you didn't think of that one :-).

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"Blow in" also has two literal meanings:

1) "I'll huff and and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in"

2) "Blow in the breathalyser, please"

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"Blow out" manages four:

1) "The explosion blows out the windows"

2) "We spent all the money on one big blow out" - in general, a spending spree, but more specifically a large expensive meal.

3) "The tyre had a blow out" - so you got caught with a flat, well...how 'bout that.

4) "Suck the air in...and blow it out"

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Who invented this language? Obviously not someone with a flair for simplicity.

Thank goodness we don't say things like "Let's blow this joint", "I'm just blown away", "A blow to the head" and "Chances blown"...otherwise English would be completely unspeakable.

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It's been a while since I signed on as unemployed, and there's been some changes. This is the new procedure:

1) Go to the jobcentre. In my case this means first finding the old offices are empty and the whole operation has been moved to the other side of town - in a building due to be demolished in a year.

2)Ask about making a new claim at Reception, which is now called "Welcome".

3) Get given a phone number to call.

4) Call the number all day every day till you get through. Try not to go mad as the same thirty second bit of Handel's Water Music is played on infinite loop.

5) Give them your details. You won't know which details they'll want till they want them.

6) They will arrange an interview. It will be in the building where you got the phone number. It will consist mostly of them threatening you. Be calm, confident, overly polite and unflappable - it completely ruins their day.

7) Go to the meeting and get given a stack of paper to fill out.

8) Take them home to complete. Possibly the only questions which apply to you will be Name and DOB.

9) Take the forms back and hand them in.

10) Wait five days. If you haven't received any notification, telephone them.

11) Repeat 10 until you appear on the system. Or civilisation falls.

I'm at state 4. There's a possibility I'll have work before stage 5.

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