Absurdistan

Mother is collecting unusual kinds of wool on ebay to knit clothes. Father is collecting crockery and oil lamps for somewhat more mysterious reasons. I'm thinking about getting a CD of exotic drum samples.

They haven't got around yet to selling anything. They keep asking me to tell them how to set up an auction. We've got five guitars, two mandolins, an electric piano, two violins and an accordian - which should we try to sell first?
-----
It can take most of a day to fill out a job application. There's one today that requires me to give anecdotes proving that I have Organisational Effectiveness, can Construct Regimes (which I think means 'make timetables'), and understand Health and Safety.

I also have to describe in detail why I spent five months in jail (but not the real reasons), and then get the signature of a civil servant or other "respected member of the communuity" (hah!) to prove that I'm middle class and therefore trustworthy.

The job? Something called an Instructional Officer in a prison. Teaching basic IT skills to lifers.

Oh and I also have to know what Braille is.

The other job I'm applying for is one I'm emminently suitable for. Because it's the last one I had. Having once created a department from scratch at the university, then been forced out and watched it get slowly closed down, I now find they need someone to create it from scratch again.

Once, people told me I should get back to Russia. Now I don't need to - Soviet surrealism has come to me.
-----
Oh yes, there's also a banjo, a concertina, two ceromonial brass horns, a string synth, two saxophones, a bugle, two picolos and a bassoon (canibalised from two). None of which any of us can play.
-----
I have a UKP10 simcard, and a cardboard box full of defunct mobile phone handsets, none of which are usable. One doesn't charge, another won't switch on. There's one won't switch off, and another that would probably work perfectly if only we knew the "secret password" (aka PIN).

Most are just inert lumps of plastic which might make a nice novelty wall decoration. Or an art installation about how the human race needs to communicate more.

So, why don't I just buy a cheap new handset to go with the simcard? Because you can't buy new handsets on their own - you need to buy a complete package for UKP50+. You can get secondhand handsets from the fleamarket, presumably stolen, but in general they don't work either.