Porny Ride

Agatha Christie supposedly once said "There's nothing duller than dull pornography". I don't know whether she really said it, but it's certainly true that often the dullest bits of porn are...the porn.

There's clips on youtube showing the first minute or two of a porn scene - the part before there's any clothing removal or body contact - as humour. Bad acting, bad scripting, bad hairstyles, bad decor and bad sound quality from the 70s and 80s.

The "setup" where the macguffin is introduced for the following ten minutes of groaning and pumping. The pizza delivery boy and the bored housewife, the photocopier repairman and the busty secretary, the soccer player persuading the coach to let him play for the team.

Porn is a fantasy of sex for no reason other than pleasure, so why does the fantasy need some other reason built into it? Maybe the childhood indoctrination of pleasure-as-sin is still hanging around in the director's mind - or the viewer's.

Most of the real sex I have has less chatting and framing than the movies that are supposed to substitute for it.

There's a few rather dire "flick" flicks that I've kept - solely for the musical possibilities of their soundtracks. One has a blond collegeboy talking for a full five minutes about his girlfriend's breasts, winding himself up into such a frenzy that he'll let another blond collegeboy suck him off - probably better than the girlfriend could have.

Another is bookended by an alien invasion plot - from where else but Uranus. I've got a vague plan to cut them up over some ambient music.

Treasure Island Media produce some of the most, um, direct and uncomplicated stuff around for the gay market. It's owner Paul Morris dignifies his product as documenting real, hot, unscripted sex - as though it needed a justification beyond filming blameless pleasure to sell for creating more blameless pleasure.

The company motto is "Suck Dick, Save the World". Hippy Dick indeed.

And finally, I stumbled over a cheerfully low-budget title recently, with a somewhat unexpected blurb:

In the 1820's, when there were well over 200 known brothels in New York City alone, many of the moralists who sought to curb prostitution pointed to the commonplace of interracial sex and forecasted a bleak future should such sin continue. Reflecting white fears of black sexual supremacy and racial integration, they sought to criminalize prostitution to control the mingling of the races. Fast forward almost 200 years and several wars later, and interracial sex is still somewhat taboo in several circles. The desire is still definitely there though. Most of the white guys I talk to about modeling practically beg to have sex with black guys. It seems as though the hundreds of years that reformers tried to marginalize black men by classifying them as potent and sexually obsessed, has only made the thought of interracial sex all the more erotic. So the next time you watch a video of a big dicked black dude totally dominating and getting off on using a smooth white guy, you can thank the religious right. Without their fear, there probably wouldn't be so much desire today. Randy definitely has a desire for black men, because he confided in me that he thinks about black dicks so much he worries he can't stop sucking off black men.

The irony is, this rather unsexy piece of out-of-place cultural theorising is more incisive than what you'll get from your average cultural theory graduate. I speak as a cultural theory graduate. It's also probably more interesting than the film.

The title? "I Can't Stop Sucking Off Black Men".


  1. Ha! I luv those soft porn flicks from the retro era! My fave is the hilarious Flesh Gordon (The X rated one)!

  2. "Suck Dick, Save the World".

    I’ll get right on it!

  3. probably better than the girlfriend could have.

    Hey, some of us girls are REALLy good at sucking dicks. Just because we don't have one doesn't mean we don't know how to work it!

    You want to see some bad porn? Check out the stuff marketed for women. It's all sappy romance and relationships - yuck!


  4. ^OMG she lives! Where have you been hiding?

  5. @Eroswings:

    Flesh Gordon? One of those films all my classmates claimed to have seen when I was 13. Together with I Spit on Your Grave and (the porno) Animal Farm (which didn't even exist).

    @MJ & TardisGirl:

    I was once challenged to a cocksucking competition by a young woman. I was sure I could win...till she showed just how deep she could blow a beer bottle.

    Of course, she was a dirty slag, whereas I'm a liberated gay man. That's a very important difference. So there.


    Our favourite Doctor's Companion is taking a break from blogging, until it's less likely to collide headlong with real life.