Kafka, PLC

How to buy something online:

1.1) Try to login to your ebay account
1.2) Try again to login to your ebay account
1.3) Get ebay to send you an email which contains a URL to a page where you can reset your password.
1.4) Go through the password resetting rigmarole
1.5) Login to ebay

2.1) Try to login to your paypal account
2.2) Try again
2.3) Go through the rigmarole of resetting your paypal password
2.4) Login to paypal
2.5) Find that you need to re-connect your bank account and your debit card with your paypal account, because paypal have disconnected them, because you haven't used paypal for a while

3.1) Initiate the re-connection process
3.2) Wait a few days

4.1) Try to telephone your bank to get the information you need to complete the process
4.2) Get asked for the security number you were never issued, to unlock your security lockout, that was put in place when you couldn't give the security number six months ago
4.3) Telephone your bank again to find out your security number
4.4) Get told they can't tell you your number, but they can reset it to the default they can't reveal, after which you can set it to whatever you want, provided you can get through a different set of security checks
4.5) As an aside, get the information your need to complete one half of the reconnection process

5.1) Telephone your bank to change your security number
5.2) After giving your name, sort code, account number, date of birth, "special memorable word", "special memorable place" and details of a recent ATM withdrawal, get told to enter your new security number on your phone's touchpad.
5.3) Get told you've got the wrong kind of phone for this to work, and you need to try using your mobile instead.
5.4) Do it again, this time on your mobile
5.5) Do it again on your mobile because for no apparant reason it didn't work
5.6) Get redirected to an automated system which will check whether all your details are now as they should be
5.7) Get timed out of the system

6) To be fucking continued.


  1. I don't need anything that badly.


  2. See, I rarely buy anything online because it's a hassle! Also, because I'm a tactile shopper--I like to touch things and feel them before I buy them. Also, because it's bitch to return something too when I ordered it online.

    Just ask to speak to the supervisor that next time you call the bank. And write a letter complaining. They respond quickly to written complaints.

  3. @MJ:

    There's be more hurting of head when I can actually buy the, erm, item.


    Odd how we put up with more shit from bureaucrats than we do from friends.


    I don't think there's any point in talking to managers. The poor sods in the call centers are sometimes bright enough and helpful enough to bend the rules, but gits in powersuits never are.