"Error is the force that welds men together."
- Tolstoy, My Religion

"I have a medium-sized fire axe buried in my spinal column."
- Kryten, Red Dwarf

"How embarrassing. A house full of condiments and no food."
- Narrator, Fight Club

The jobcentre will rule on whether I'm british or not...sometime next week. Probably. After which one of three things will happen.

Possibility 1: They'll decide I do actually live here, as birth certificate, passport and their own records show, and I'll get the last eight weeks jobseeker's allowance all at once.

Possibility 2: They'll decide I don't live here after all, and should presumably therefore be deported to...um, wherever I was born. This poses a conundrum, because if it can't be proven I do live here, I'd have to be deported to wherever it can be proven I do live...but as soon as it was proven, I couldn't go there. Although I'm already there.

For these purposes, I shall suddenly remember that I was born in a sunny latin american country, just opposite a good ESL school.

Possibility 3: They'll produce a new sheaf of delaying forms to fill out, in which case they'll all die horribly. Partly for the sake of my own sanity, but mostly because they deserve it.

A lot of people go on the internet to look at other people having sex. Others do it to arrange having sex with each other. But more go on the internet to have sex with each other on the internet.

Or rather...to have sex with themselves while watching other people having sex with themselves. It used to be called "scoptophillia exhibitionism", but now it's called "camfun".

The main difference between C2C and 121 is, when you realise the person you're cybersexing with is someone you really don't want in your bedroom, nevermind your orifices, you still have cybersex with them.

So, here is Kapitano's top five ways to make cybersex unsexy. All guaranteed to kill the mood, and all from the kind of arsehole you shouldn't fuck.

(5) Pseudo-involvement. Pointing the webcam at your unmoving face and leaving it there for an hour, except for when you leave it pointed at an empty chair for another hour when you walk away without logging off.

(4) Repeated inflexibility. The man who knows exactly what he wants, won't settle for anything else, and requests it every minute for three hours. Things like "n e blond?", "want hairy pm me", "stockings?", and "older sub for young dom".

(3) Control freakery. Constantly hassling with instructions like "show your ass", "bounce your balls", "pump it", "get harder" and "get a toy i wanna see you with a toy a big black one".

(2) Impatience. Some seem to think the point of sex is to get it over with as quickly as possible - these are the ones who say "cum 4 me", "do it now", "i want cum whos abt 2 unload?", and "shoot it 4 me right now".

...and finally, my recently discovered biggest turnoff of them all...

(1) Abusive monomania. For instance, repeatedly typing such allcap philosophical gems as "AMERICAN COCKS RULE", "WE WON WAR 4 U EUROS U OWE US", and "US HAS BEST FUCKING I ONLY FUCK PURE AMERICANS WE FUCK WORLD YEAH". In case you doubt it, these are real examples.

The internet really is full of knobs.


  1. Just to clarify, when they said, "WE WON WAR 4 U EUROS U OWE US", was it before or after saying, "get a toy i wanna see you with a toy a big black one"?

    Tell the gov't agency that you're from Hawaii or Australia. I was going to suggest a Caribbean island, but the drinking water is iffy on most; then again, that's why they make rum :)

  2. Hmmm. I don't think they were the same person. But I suppose it's possible to be an annoying arsehole in different ways on different days.

    I was thinking Spain would be nice. Good weather, not so difficult language, laid back culture...dusky mediterranian youths...