Sex and Death

Herbal Medicine - ancient secrets of good health, or a pile of old wank? has the answer:

Fatal Consequences of Excessive Masturbation

Frequent masturbation and ejaculation stimulate acetylcholine/parasympathetic nervous functions excessively, resulting in the over production of sex hormones and neurotransmitters such as acetylcholine, dopamine and serotonin. Abundant and unusually amount of these hormones and neurotransmitters can cause the brain and adrenal glands to perform excessive dopamine-norepinephrine-epinephrine conversion and turn the brain and body functions to be extremely sympathetic. In other words, there is a big change of body chemistry when one excessively pratices masturbation.

Note: Masturbation is a healthy sexual behavior. Like other behaviors, when over practiced or addicted it can lead to both psychological and physiological imbalances.
The side effects of such changes to the body include:

Fatigue. Feeling tired all the time
Lower back pain
Stress / Anxiety
Thinning hair / Hair Loss
Soft / Weak Erection
Premature Ejaculation
Eye floaters or fuzzy vision
Groin / Testicular Pain
Pain or cramp in the pelvic cavity or/and tail bone

If above symptoms are experienced, you need to restore the balance of brain's acetylcholine / parasympathetic ratio, reduces the level of sex hormones in the body, and sedates sympathetic nervous function, or the symptoms would become worse.

Do you ever feel tired or stressed? You do? Now, do you ever masturbate? Well then, the solution is obvious! Everyone in the world has at least half the symptoms listed at some point, and that's because everyone practices onanism - that's right, the world is full of wankers.

But don't worry, it's only orgasms produced by hand that kill you. Although the hormonal processes produced by nonmanual seedspilling are identical, they're perfectly safe, for scientific reasons we won't explain.

Personally, I think the real problem is breathing. I breath a lot more than I masturbate, and there's almost no hair on my head at all. Actually, I shaved it all off yesterday, but that's completely irrelevant. If I stop breathing, will my hair come back?

I was roped in to help pass a petition around outside the mosque after Friday prayers. Usually I hate asking strangers to sign a piece of political paper, but the muslims are always a friendly bunch, and broadly on the right side politically - that is, the left side.

Yes, there's plenty of issues where I think they're not on the right side - families, sex, alcohol, and indeed the meaningfulness of the entire Koran and the need for religious faith. But the big issues of the moment are the war and it's attendant racism. Deal with theology and genital ethics when there aren't more pressing matters.

This petition is about MP Jack Straw refusing to let a muslim woman speak to him unless she took off her veil. If he'd asked a hasidic jew to take of his hat or a hindu to take off their turban, there wouldn't be so many confused liberals unsure whether it was racist.

I think he should refuse to hear christians unless they take off their crucifix necklaces. And then eat prawns, shave and wear mixed-fibre shirts.

Just as I was planning a lazy evening of reading physics and installing software, the ever-lovely Craig phoned to say his band is playing the Happy Monday's club tonight, and it would be "way cool" if I'd come and watch them.

Well, the club is a model of everything a music venue shouldn't be - grungy and expensive, with horrible acoustics and a whippet running around on stage - but he said he'd get me in for free. So, why not?

1 comment:

  1. There it is something I've always done quite often, thank the gods that live up high! And I'm not the least ashamed. As to what's excessive, you certainly need a quantifier of any kind, for heaven's sake! Well, some good laughs are always welcome!
    Enjoy the concert! :-)