Last night, C decided he never wanted to speak to me ever again, because I'm insensitive and portray him as a fucked up loser. It's possible he's right - I'm not known for being diplomatic or gentle, so perhaps my posts came across as criticism.
Tonight, he texted to say he'll call me when he's back from Peru. After which...I don't know. We get two weeks of "emotional detox", and then decide. Enough time to stop feeling gutted/angry and get a clearer perspective on what each of us wants, needs, doesn't want, offers etc etc.
Mark S's depression is getting worse, and he's started getting panic attacks for no apparant reasons. He's on a new prozac-like antidepressant that I've never heard of before, but it isn't helping.
Simon M is flat broke, largely because of a price war between Ebay shops. Plus NTL messed up his account details, then cut off his phone and internet because he didn't pay a bill they never sent. NTL apparantly do this quite a lot.
My eyesight is fading noticably faster than before. There's a row of books 4 feet away - I can read about half the titles on the spines.
Not everything is wrong. The microphones arrived this morning, and the basement recording studio - if I can dignify it with the name - is set up, so with luck we can begin recording tomorrow. And I bumped into Stephen P on the way home - he's just as blond, cherubic and naif as ever, and now lives just around the corner from me. Oh, and my parents are getting a new papillon next week.
Update: I wrote this last night, and asked C if I could post it. He says okay.
C is furious at the picture he says I paint of him in this blog. He said I made him sound like an emotional cripple. Perhaps I did, but it wasn't intentional. He's actually a very together person. And a very special one.
He had told me he had no secrets, and didn't mind me discussing our relationship in public, or cyberspace. But he read what I wrote as a character assassination, portraying him as some kind of wild eyed irresponsible shallow inadequate. He is none of these things, and I certainly never meant to imply that he was. He's an eccentric, like me, and he's driven. I suppose I fastened onto that in writing.
He was envious of my previous relationships - which I could never understand. He believed absolutely in monogamy - which I thought was irrational, but I was prepared to be monogamous with him, because he's worth it.
As I write this, I'm crying, and I still love him. And he's still angry at me. I just want to talk things over with him, and he never wants to talk to me again.
He's going away for a fortnight, after which...I don't know. Maybe he'll forgive me, maybe his rage will harden and become permanent. Hey, we might wind up friends of a kind, but nothing more.
The price of love is heartbreak, but we never expect to pay.
I'm truly sorry, Captain.
ReplyDeleteI didn't get such that idea of C at all. The only thing I found odd about him was his wanting to go on with his journey, being ill the way you said he was. If it's hard already to get a picture of the other blogger you're in touch with, it's even harder to get an idea of a third person, especially if strong feelings are a constant.
Not all is lost. Don't be so sad. A fortnight may be the ideal time for you both to assess what is bothering each one of you. I wish now I could write in Portuguese... You'll miss each other. He may be pissed at you now, but he'll miss you the same way you will miss him. You've done nothing irreparable. Maybe you were too harsh, okay, but I guess I understood what your intention was, knowing that he was reading your posts. In all the posts I've read I saw dedication, care, attention, some fear, in short, your love for him.
Please, Captain, don't cry. I feel so useless, so helpless too. C is also angry because he wants this journey so much, and a stupid illness almost throws all his plans to the ground. That's hard to cope with as well.
I hope and wish you'll calm down. I'm sure you'll talk again. Absolutely. Think positive, the same way you love him dearly.
I wish I could say or do more... But I know I'm not good at these things...
Thank you. What you say helps. I'm feeling somewhat better now. Not calm, but less frantic.
ReplyDeleteThere's an argument going on inside my head. One voice says "I love him and I want to be with him", another says "If we can't be lovers it would be good to be friends" and a thirds says "It's painful but I'll get over it and I'll be okay". Then the first voice starts again with "I want to hold him", and so on
Of course, all the voices are mine. All the thoughts are mine, and they're all true.
This story isn't over yet, and I've no idea how it will end. But whatever happens I feel like I can deal with it.
I'm sure you can, Captain. Just give time to time (so we say around here), and everything will turn out okay, you'll see!
ReplyDeleteCrises, though we dislike them, help us grow. I don't mean grow up, become adult, but just get «bigger» inside. (You get my meaning, philosopher!)
Carpe diem!
Hugs to our Kapitano and a wish for whatever it takes to work this out.
ReplyDeleteMay I extend my sympthies toward you in regard to this turbulent situation.
ReplyDeleteYou weather on through when others (such as myself) entirely gave up on such enterprises many years ago.
If you persist, you may find happiness in these endeavours.
Good luck.
Ah, Perl. I haven't looked at Perl in absolutely years. In fact, UML, CSS, XML and the latest web-based variations on SQL largely passed me by.
ReplyDeleteI now get by figuring out how to do things on computers only when I need to do something specific - format a blog, calculate musical intervals on OpenOffice Calc, or write Esperanto accented characters in Word.
In the unlikely event that I need to use cascading style sheets, I'll spend a week immersing myself in them just enough to do precisely what I want. This probably means I've got lazy in my 30s.
Thanks for the sentiment. I'm absolutely useless at relationships, but also a romantic. Or else just bored with having no one special who knows what I'm thinking without having to explain it at length.
I check the grumbler blog roughly at the end of each month, to see what you've been doing.
Man, I hate to such turmoil for you and yours. It's impossible to figure out all the nuances and repurcussions from over here but I hope at least you both get resolution.
ReplyDeleteTake care my friend, B