Mi Mem

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Oh look, a Meme. So called because it's about Me! Me!

Courtesy of Aethelread the Unread, who of course I haven't read.

1. Are you currently in a serious relationship?

Relationships can be serious?

I suppose they can, as in "seriously messed up".

2. What was your dream growing up?

At 5 I wished adults would make sense. A 10 I wanted to be an actor - playing moustache-twirling, cackling villains. At 15 I wanted to be a philosopher, at 20 a computer programmer, and at 25 to not be a computer programmer anymore.

All but the first of these have come true. Though I didn't have the moustache.

3. What talent do you wish you had?

The ability to make people go into a deep sleep by snapping my fingers. But only to make them shut up.

4. If I bought you a drink, what would it be?

Hot chocolate. With five chocolate biscuits for dunking. And a 99 flake stuck in it.

5. Favourite vegetable?

For eating? The turnip.

For feeding? Turnips are good for that too.

6. What was the last book you read?

I can't remember the last time I read a book all the way through. It was probably a slightly polemical history of psychiatry, arguing that psychiatrists are like witch doctors who don't know their medicines are bunk.

I've read several of them.

7. What zodiac sign are you?

Capricorn. Capricorns are skeptical of crap like astrology, so if I were gullible enough the believe in it, I'd have to be skeptical.

8. Any tattoos or piercings?

I once got the top of my right ear pierced to celebrate graduation - though I forget which one. I considered getting a nipple piercing, till I found what could happen if it went wrong.

9. Worst habit?

Thinking that people stupid enough to believe in homeopathy, hate muslims or deny climate change are smart enough to listen to corrections.

10. If you saw me walking down the street, would you offer me a ride?

If I had a car and could drive...I'd give you a ride in the back seat.

But only after finding a safe parking space.

11. What is your favourite sport?

American politics.

12. Do you have a pessimistic or optimistic attitude?

I'm told if I weren't a pessimist, bad things wouldn't happen to me. The people who tell me this have lots of bad things happen to them, but they frantically emphasise the few good things.

There are few things sadder than someone desperate to tell you they're happy.

13. What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?

Depends what I was stuck to.

14. Worst thing to ever happen to you?

I fell in love once.

15. Tell me one weird fact about you.

Erm. I taught myself to recite the alphabet backwards because I'd seen it done on an advert. Plus I had insomnia.

16. Do you have any pets?

My parents have five dogs and three parrots, but I'm the one they bark/squawk at. So they either think I'm their owner...or a burgler.

17. What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?

I'd invite you in for a cup of tea, hoping just this once it would end like in the movies.

The kind of movies you download from newsgroups and put on DVDRs marked "Misc Vid 56", in case someone finds them.

18. What was your first impression of me?

Smart and messed up.

19. Do you think clowns are cute or scary?

Creepy. Especially in clown porn. They're on "Misc Vid 72".

20. If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?

I'd add Brad Pitt's sexier younger brother to my left shoulder. Just hanging on and looking besotted.

21. Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?

Crime partner every time. Especially if I get to twirl the moustaches this time.

22. What colour eyes do you have?

I don't know - I can't see them.

People have told me they're green, or hazel, or "Oh My God that's so creepy!"

23. Ever been arrested?

Yes. It was very boring. And not like in the movies either.

24. Bottle or can soda?

Can I have it can-shaped, but made of glass?

25. If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?

Shove it in a high interest accont and forget about it for 20 years.

26. What’s your favourite place to hang out at?

I'm pretty sure I've never hung out anywhere. Or is it hanged out?

27. Do you believe in ghosts?

Do I believe that some people, when they die, get a semi-transparent copy of their outer bodies, plus of their typical clothes, but not of their internal organs?

Plus the ability to walk through walls but not fall through floors, and the inability to be touched by anything solid combined with the ability to breathe and push air through their incorporeal larynxes to make speech?

Hmmm. Not sure about that.

28. Favourite thing to do in your spare time?

I like to spend hours planning all the things I'd like to do the next time I get some spare time.

29. Do you swear a lot?

I like to use swear words from science fiction. Yeah frell, I zarking well do.

30. Biggest pet peeve?

You know what's the most useless thing in the world? Apart from a rubber chicken or a deputy Prime Minister? An ignorant pedant. Someone who pedantically corrects you, but gets it stupidly wrong.

People who tell you not to split infinitives, dangle prepositions, or verb nouns. People who know frell all about language or linguistics, and therefore think you shouldn't use a word they understand perfectly well, on the grounds that it doesn't zarking exist.

31. In one word, how would you describe yourself?

Incomplet.

32. Do you believe in/ appreciate romance?

I believe it exists. I don't like it very much.

33. Favourite and least favourite food?

If there were such a thing as chocolate curry.

And if there were such a thing as liquorice flavour raw tomatoes.

34. Do you believe in God/ a higher power/ whatever you want to call it?

Of course not. The only way to believe in a higher power is to not understand why some people believe in it.

35. Will you repost this?

You can answer that better than I can.

So...did I?

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