So What Happens Now?

I have no idea.

In one way, I know exactly what to do. My muse is telling me to blog, though he's neglecting to say about what. I've got a youtube channel for recording creepypasta readings, and a small following. In three weeks I'll be 45, and will at least be somewhat thinner at 45 than at 44. Or indeed 34.

There's a job waiting for me in Turkey. Which is to say, I'm waiting for the paperwork to be completed for the school to officially exist so I can go and teach at it.

I can reflect on how it's now 20 years since the end of my abusive relationship with S, and 10 since the end of my doomed relationship with D. And 25 since my quick-burnout relationship with R. And also 25 since my never-quite relationship with C, and around 5 since my other never-quite relationship with the same C.

It can take years to realise the reason you're no good at relationships is...that you don't want a relationship.

But you know what? I still love you D. Just a bit. Because we never quite get over our first love. And if you left your boyfriend and your unknowing wife, I'd happily do the most foolish thing imaginable, and abandon everything to marry you.

And yes, I am drunk. Why do you ask?

So, I've been having occasional sex with one guy for over 20 years. But three months ago he canceled a meet, saying he was feeling ill. Since then, no responses to texts, no answering of calls.

Finding out what's happened, if anything, might be a bit difficult. Because I don't know where he lives...and I'm not sure I ever knew his real name.

Father is nearly 82, and divides his time between moaning about how he can't do much physical anymore...and pretending he still can. Mother is 73, and is much happier, having figured out the difference between "keeping busy" and "doing everyone else's work for them".

So I think I know what to do with my own life, my own concerns. But...argue with racist cretins on youtube comments? Argue with pseudoradical snowflakes on facebook comments? Educate my Jehova's Witness friends about real biblical scholarship?

Bite the bullet and renew my aquaintence with the british socialist left, pretending I haven't read far too much of their founding texts to believe any of it? Simply on the grounds that no one else can do organisation?

Build a business empire to fund and organise a secret militia to save western civilisation by putting a bullet through Donald J Trump's smirking skull?

None of these seem to be clear solutions, because the problems of the world have become so very unclear. So, there are two kinds of problems you can't solve - those you can't counter, and those you can't define.

Did I mention I was drunk?

Thinking is doubly difficult without talking. So at least, let us talk.

1 comment:

  1. Whatever you decide to do, make sure it's your choice, that it's what you want to do.

    Life is short, and time moves too fast. So forget the past mistakes and let go of the stress over things that you cannot change or have yet to happen. Deal with the now.

    Make a list of the things you want to do, no matter how small or silly, then go do it! It's better to try and fail than regret not taking a chance and wasting time that could've been put to better use doing the things that you enjoy and being with the people you cherish and love.

    Happy New Year to you and your loved ones, Kapi! Live life on your own terms! Cheers!