Help and Support

Thank you for calling. You have reached Kapitano's IT helpline.

Press #1 if you're too fucking lazy to read the help file.

Press #2 if you didn't realise there was a help file, thought the menu item "Help" was there for decoration, wouldn't bother to read it anyway, and wouldn't make the effort to understand it even if you did.

Press #3 if you want me to explain everything about computers to you in five minutes flat without introducing you to any new concepts or strange words. Because they scare you.

Press #4 if your problem is "It won't work".

Press #5 if your problems is "The little box stopped flashing".

Press #6 if you don't really want a solution - you just want someone to blame, because that's how you deal with problems.

Press #7 if you've decided the internet's gone down.

Press #8 if you're not sure what the message saying "Your device is now ready to use" means.

Press #9 if you want to know what an "X006104793-d" error is, and you think I must know.

Press #A if you want to know how to count in hexadecimal.

Press #B if you've got a virus from visiting porn sites but you don't want me to know you've got a virus because I might work out you've been visiting porn sites.

Press #C if you want me to tell you how to stop your wife finding out you've been visiting porn sites.

Press #D if you want to become a L33T H4KR.

Press #E if I've already explained to you several times that a CDR is not a hard disk just because it's round and inflexible.

Press #F if your 10-year old computer won't work after your 15-year old son installed 20 cracked games that it can't possibly run.

Press #G if you think hexadecimal is for wooses.

Press #H if MS Office 2007 doesn't look like MS Office 97 and you're confused. I don't know how to use Office 2007 either - I use '97 because it does everything I need and doesn't crash.

Press #I if Norton has crashed your system after I explicitly told you not to install it because it would crash your system.

Press #J if you think I'm intimately familiar with every single type of mobile phone ever made.

Press #K if you want to try Linux but keep all your Windows programs the same.

Press #L if you think I know anything about Linux because all computer stuff's the same, right?

Press #M if you think you want to do a mailmerge on your CPU.

Press #N if you think your computer is "too defragmented".

Press #O if you're absolutely convinced that your operating system is Windows 97.

Press #P if you've checked out all the operating systems and want to use "Windows Me". Not "Windows M.E", "Windows Me", 'cos it's for "me".

Press #Q if you just want to ask me a lot of questions so you can pretend you've consulted an expert on what you've already decided to do.

Press #R if you think "it might be a driver problem" but you've no idea what a codec or a DLL is.

Press #S if you want me to install telepathy and precognition on your computer so I'll just know what you want.

Press #T if a website has just offered you a free laptop and you're too thick to work out whether it's a scam.

Press #U if you use your computer to host a creationist website, and think it might be possessed by the devil.

Press #V if you think I don't know you call me a pathetic nerd behind my back.

Press #W if you rely completely on your computer, but refuse to learn how to use it because you're above that kind of thing.

Press #X if you're such a brainless douchebag you think it's funny to phone up tech support with a nonsensical problem and put the result on youtube.

Press #Y if you called me to solve a problem that's just solved itself.

Press #Z if you work in tech support yourself but can't figure out what's wrong with the computer you own. Welcome brother.


  1. What do I press if I just want to annoy you without having to pretend I know anything about computers... or indeed anything else? :-)

  2. Good grief. Your phone pads must be HUGE!

  3. @Anonymous Female: What do I press if I just want to annoy you without having to pretend I know anything about computers... or indeed anything else? :-)

    Oh there are so many ways :-).

    Tell me how much you enjoyed Sarah Palin's book, Say you enjoyed "The Twin Dilemma" more than "The Robots of Death", quote an entire Monty Python sketch, reveal that you've got two secret extra boyfriends and you keep them all satisfied all the time, lose weight when I'm gaining it, correct me on a grammar point, become a millionaire gangsta rapper...

    @David: Good grief. Your phone pads must be HUGE!

    Oh they've got to be - they double as knee pads. Can never have enough knee pads ;-).

  4. I'm the eejit who doesn't think to try rebooting first.

  5. Which button do I press for Spanish?

    And my friend wants to know when Bill Gates will send her that fat check for forwarding that email that said she'll get a fat check from Bill Gates, just for forwarding said email.

  6. @MJ: Heh. I once fixed a teacher's computer by telling him to turn it off and on again.

    Unfortunately, he was teaching me computing at the time :-S.

    @Eroswings: You can't get espaƱol till you find the button to put a tilde ovet the N :-).

    As for the Fat Cheque Girl (as opposed to the Hat Check Girl), tell her it costs a big fat cheque to send email to Bill Gates, 'cos he owns the internet.

    How else can he make money? Everyone's using pirated copies of Windows!

  7. * presses #S *

    I don't need to press #U because I *know* that my computer is possessed.

  8. @IVD: * presses #S *

    That's the one everyone secretly wants.

  9. Portsmouth huh? You represent such a high proportion of Englands top level achievers. Let me make a list of all those people from Portsmouth to have reached the dizzy heights!

    Sorry. I seem to have drawn a blank.

  10. I must be doing something right. My humble blog is getting sarcastic emails from anonymous people.

    By the way, you left out an apostrophe.

    And you seem to think an accurate but nonrelevant criticism of my home town is a criticism of me. If you judge by such criteria, perhaps you shouldn't use AOL.