Kapitano Has Sex

I've had some lousy shags in my time, and I've been in some absurd situations. And oddly enough the two tend to coincide.

Last night I logged onto a certain friendship/dating/shagging site I sometimes use, just to check email. And found myself chatting on IM with a local guy who'd liked my profile and wanted to "meet up". I saved the conversation so here's a few highlights of his chatup technique:

  • "hey buddy how you doing. i LOVe sucking on big balls."

  • "i would love to have you cum in me or my mouth. just have you work my nipples while i suck you off"

  • "you let yourself in and i can suck you off no strings cum in my mouth and go"

  • "i love to suck a guy off and work tits""

  • "love big balls to suck

  • Clear, direct, no BS - what more could you want from meaningless sex? He's a great felateur, I'm lazy, he's desperate, I'm desperate too easygoing.

    He wanted me to drive out there and then, I said I didn't have a car, he said he'd pay for a taxi, I said thanks but I was tired so could we do it tomorrow...he said okay.

    So the next day (today) we exchange a series of text messages to the repeated effect of...

    Him: You coming today?
    Me: Sounds good. What's a good time for you, and by the way where exactly do you live?
    Him: Anytime.

    Him: When are you coming?
    Me: Is 7pm okay? Where are you?
    Him: Anytime is good.

    Him: You going to come today?
    Me: Be there at 7 - as soon as I know where to be.
    Him: Great.

    Eventually I got him to tell me where his home was - he sent the postcode, and I got the street from Google Maps. A few more texts, and I had the house number too. It was ten miles away - thirty minutes by car, or three hours on foot.

    I called a taxi, texted to say I was on my way, and got the response "OMG your in a taxi?! Don't u have a car? I only want suck n go!". Sigh.

    The taxi driver was a helpful, friendly Indian guy - who didn't know the area we were going to. I'd brought along a map, and he navigated with it perched on the steering wheel. Eventually, between us we figured out how to work his swanky new GPS gadget too.

    Meanwhile, every five minutes or less my partner in erotic rondezvous texted to ask me where I was and what I was doing...and whether I'd got the last text asking me. He also had the brainwave of kneeling blindfolded with mouth open on the floor, waiting for me to silently arrive. Um, okay.

    I was just starting to get a bad feeling about the whole thing, when the driver found the street...and charged me 175% of the estimated fare. And offered to stick around with the engine running and the meter ticking in case I found we'd come to the wrong place. I politely declined.

    I found the house, went in, and had sex with the big red faced man in front of the television. The whole thing lasted less than five minutes before he looked up and said in a squeaky, apologetic voice, "I'm gonna cum". And proceeded to do so.

    He'd completely forgotten his promise to reimburse my fare, in any case had no cash, and wanted to me to leave as quickly as possible. He didn't even want to shake hands.

    So, unwilling to spend another GBP20, I started walking home - consoling myself with a box of overcooked chips from a kebab shop. There was a bus stop, with a timetable announcing that I'd just missed the last daytime bus, and the night service would start in an hour - and end two hours after that.

    After ninety minutes trudging I did catch a bus to save my aching feet.

    So there you have it. My sexual appetite not so much quenched as squashed. And another answer to the eternal question, "What could possibly go wrong?"


    1. Ha! That's funny! At least he didn't turn out to be some serial killer and you lived to tell the tale, not to mention got a lovely walk out of the whole ordeal.

    2. Wow, what a catch! Don’t let this one get away! :-)

    3. It would have been more satisfying to have stayed at home and had a wank.

    4. Eroswings: Yes indeed, a lovely walk. Great exercise for the inner thighs.

      TardisGirl: Oh but I wouldn't want to deny him to anyone more deserving than me!

      David & MJ: Did that afterwards.