I'll Huff and I'll Puff

I have an invention in mind. The headset mounted noseguard. "What in heaven's name are you blithering about Kapitano?", you ask. Well...

A headset is a pair of headphones, with a microphone attached, curling around to the mouth from one side. Now the perennial problem with any microphone kept close to the mouth is breath noise. We've all seen it - the MC at a wedding party whose witty routine is made even more annoying than usual by the constant barrage of amplified thunks, clicks, sibilants and that tubetrain-like noise of someone puffing onto a transducer. It's horrible.

But, with a headset mike the worst gusts of air don't come from the mouth - they're from the nose, which is in the most inconvenient position possible. Not only is it an upside-down sewage works just above your food inlet port, it's also a bellows noisily sucking and blasting directly onto the microphone, without ever stopping. To say nothing of sniffles, sneezes and whistles.

So, what you really need is something to deflect the regular gusts. Something mounted just under your nose, that lets you breathe, but deflects (or at least disperses) the air.

It can be mounted on a gooseneck like the mike, but coming around from the other side. My prototype involves wearing two headsets, one around the neck with the mike padded with extra foam rubber and placed directly under the nose, the other worn in the conventional way.

The first prototype was me holding one hand flat under my nose for quite a long time.And no you can't have a photo of either, and not just because I can't find the camera.

What should I call it? Noseguard, snorkel, nonose, depuffer?


  1. Could you invent some sort of snorkel device for when you're giving a really long, intense blowjob and you don't want to come up for air?

    Thanking you in advance.

  2. Yes, I'm working on a way to knock a hole all the way through the head, from the nostrils back. That way you'll be able to breathe through your crown.

  3. while you're at it... could you make a dettachable arm because every time I lay on my side it ends up falling asleep.

  4. Actually, humour apart, it sounds like a worthy invention. But we do need to see a photo 'in action'. :D

    'Schnozzaway' would be my offering, namewise. Or 'Pop-whistle-huff-off'.