Meghalt a Szeretet

Something else happened yesterday - a series of slightly bizarre text messages between myself and C. I've left the messages as they were, without correction. This was the first, which I sent to him:

I'm on a climate change demo. Placards: End cheap flights madness, Funny weather we're having, Jail the climate criminals, Less hot air - more wind, Solar not nuclear, Save the polar bears. 30,000ish.

He wrote back:

If you only put so much effort into other areas me your life, cmd who's funding this little day out? the taxpayer? fantastic. stop cheap flights and destroy the only avenue of happiness left to me. how about getting one of those cheap flights to china or usa and protesting where it actually matters?

Okay, so he doesn't realise we hired the coach (and made a loss on it), but I thought he was ribbing me, so I wrote back in similar fashion, making sure he understood it was a joke:

The proverbial taxpayer pays for your medical treatment, you parasitic, pull guzzling doctor whore ;-). So there. Ha! (you're absolutely right on flights tho) Hmm...a protest holiday in China.

Not the world's best thought out response, but that's what I sent. His reply:

Actually - the taxpayer subsidises my medication - I still have to pay. unlike some. and - being a taxpayer, i've already paid. as i'm contributing to your jolly. and how are you travelling today? solar coach?

This was around 1330, and some questions are so silly you can't think of an answer. Besides, I still couldn't be sure he wasn't joking. About 2130, when I was back from the demo, he sent another message:

I hope your day out proved fruitful. now, if only you protest to get the other 98%. sorted, we may be on to something. just how much power is wasted by computer use? amps for guitars? just how much of an effort are you and your palls really making? raditaion from mobiles, signing on books. do you just go on these rallies for the sake of it? and as for the medication - when you get gastro e - being dole scum your pills were free, paid for by my taxes, so don't come the old soldier.

There's a lot of issues there, some quite complex in terms of science and politics, and he shows confusion about them. Not the kind of thing that can be dealt properly with by SMS. I wrote back:

1) public power use is very small compared to industry. Personal austerity is not the issue. 2) I recieved no medication beyond asprin. 3) Are you feeling alright?

His response:

You're an idiot if you believe that, no matter what, industry will barely be affected and we'll have to suffer financialy - flights the best case in point. when you do need prescription drugs, they will be free while i pay for them. and no. i'm not ok. but there's fuck all you can do for it.

I didn't reply, until he sent:

did you get that reply? having phone issues

I was sitting in a pub, relaxing with comrades, trying to discuss George Monbiot's speech at the demo. I thought C was probably drunk, and I wasn't in the mood for a textual fistfight. I responded:

I got it. I don't want to fight with you.

He sent back:

Wasn't aware we were. merely havin a debate. you always have to run away from confrontation. np maybe some of what i say is true and you don't like it. it's just get pissed Off with people who think having a nice day out under the guise me protest makes up for doing fuck all the other 360 Odd days of the yr.

I didn't respond. He sent:

Have I said something i shouldn't? or are you just incredibly busy doing something self promoting?

This annoyed me a little, and I composed this reply, but didn't send it, deciding it was better to be calm and reasonable, rather than join him in sillyness:

I am not interested in confrontation for it's own sake. You're not debating, you're provoking and being spiteful. I am not your personal punchbag. If yot want rational debate, or support, I'll offer both face to face. If you want to insult me to make yourself feel better, I've had years of that from others.

Instead I sent:

I am busy and exhausted. We can't settle all this now by text. Are you free to meet tomorrow?

His reply:

Absolutely not. i'm so sorry to hear your special, busy day has tired you. my 74Yr old mum has just got in from work. she started working at 9a.m. it's now nearly mid night. christ, if only she'd had your important day's work. what could you possibly have to say tomorrow that i'd really want to hear?

I didn't bother replying. Back home, I received:

I hope You're not sat there feeling all soppy for your poor, tired little self. you should be ashamed and getting a bit bloody perspective. you are so self absorbed, petty and arrogant. and no - we aren't going to be friends. goodbye.

By now I was not feeling chritable:

Call me if and when you're feeling both civil and sober. Goodnight.

He rejoined:

I'm perfectly sober - i can't drink on my self bought medication. and as for civil - i'm merely telling it like it is. portray as a weak loser who'll never get anywhere if you will. then maybe see it's you you're talking about and insist on projecting it on me - i'll not be calling You. the very fact that you immidiately assume i'm drunk is just one more insult, but then, i'd fail as a project were i not.

Evidently he then read my blog, because the next message was:

I'm drunk - seems krapitano's too drunk to blog. And your sad little cyber pals lap it up. they probably even think that. picture your pic. god, i'm so angry with you.

I wondered whether he was trying to goad me into a rage. Some people consider anger more honest than discussion, and there are people who try it as a way to win arguments. The usual way to deal with them is to be polite, firm, and not let them sidetrack you. I wrote:

That was yesterday's post. Right now I'm sober, exhausted, about to sleep, untouched by your abuse, and mystified as to why you're angry at me. Now this phone goes off for the night and so do I.

I went to sleep almost instantly, but he had sent this:

Before you go - untouched? you really are like a lump me flint. not so long ago you were in love with me. as i suspected all along - just more grist to your me, me, me mill. i'd pity you if you were worth it. you automation.

Today, I wrote a long text message to him, and kept it for two hours, trying to decide whether to send it. Eventually I did:

2 possibilities. Either you tell me what in hell is going on, explain why you were such an arsehole yesterday, & we talk properly. Or we never communicate again. I will not put up with abuse, & I'm sick of vacillation.I will be either a good friend or a perfect stranger, not your personal spitoon, not your enemy. Consider calmly before deciding - I won't be messed about anymore. By the way, I did love you, but I couldn't aford to, so made myself stop.

I needn't have bothered. The sarcastic reply came:

Now - i've taken some deep breaths and considered calmly, because it really is a big decision considering what's at stake and how much I stand to lose. my heart wrenching and quite probably regrettable decision is, oh! actually I've forgotten the question. couldn't have been that important. by the way - two 'f's in afford.

A little needlessly, I texted back:

I'll take that as goodbye.

I did think he might want the last word. He generally does, but not this time.

So, the man I loved briefly has decided he hates me forever, because I'm self obsessed, stupid and unfeeling. Of course, given that I've just transcribed all our messages and published them, maybe I can be a little insensitive.

This affair has been like the flood of Gilgamesh - a sudden downpour that swept us both away, a feeling that everything had changed, then the gods magic away all the water. And then there we are, me the cold rational one who strives for the impossible, he the doomed wild man Enkidu, left standing in a forest, exactly where we were before the deluge.

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On impulse, I also texted H - he's a former environmentalist campaigner with just too much on his plate to be part of the movement. He's house hunting and holding down a rather good job. It would be nice to see him again at some point - I've missed the way we disagreed on so many things without it ever getting personal.

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This post's title, "Meghalt a Szeretet" is the first sort-of chorus from Gloomy Sunday, and it translates "Love has Died". The second sort-of chours fits the theme of global climate change: "Vége a Világnak" - "The World has Ended".