Footiemouth

I know absolutely nothing about soccer. Oh I know it's a game of 90 minutes split into two halves, played between two colour-coded teams who try to get a ball shaped like a buckminsterfullerene molocule into each other's "goal" as many times as possible.

I know that in the current "World Cup" England are a good team who've been playing badly, winning against Trinidad & Tobago (bad team) and Sweeden (okay team), and will probably next play Portugal (good team). And I hope to god England don't beat Germany (best team in the world) or we'll never hear the end of it.

I know the England player Wayne Rooney has a damaged third metatarsal, but Michael Owen's leg injury may be more of a problem for the team in the future. And Owen is a lot more shaggable than Rooney, plus more butch than Beckham or Gascoigne.

But: How many players are in a team? I don't know - 12, 15 maybe. How does one obtain a "penalty" and what is a "penalty shootout"? No idea. What is a "striker" or "defender"? Search me. What's the difference between a red card and a yellow card? Um, red is worse than yellow, in some way. What's "extra time" about? When does a "free kick" occur? What's a "foul"? What's a "cross" or a "pass"? What is the offside rule and what does "offside" mean?

At school I had a two year affair with a football fanatic, and learned nothing about football. I've spent my entire life in the country that apparantly invented the dratted game, and it's a complete mystery to me.

But at least I know what a third metatarsal is. It's a middle toe.

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I've tried some of Tesco's own-brand bleach on my much abused strips of old jeans. According to the packaging it "Kills bacteria as well as the leading brand" - does it really kill the leading brand, or have I read that wrong?

But it does give me nicely white denim.

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More football. Or rather, footballers. Well, a lot of balls anyway.

Several weeks ago the News of the Screws ran two stories about unnamed soccer players (plus someone "prominant in the music industry") playing sex games in a hotel room. The articles made it clear that those involved were straight and had girlfriends, but that this kind of play was common among the rich and famous. At least, the horny and stupid among the rich and famous.

The articles were meant to be front page news, but were relegated to middle pages by breaking news of British soldiers beating up Iraqi teenagers and filming it.

Up jumps the player Ashley Cole, weeks after the story is forgotten by most readers, eager to sue the newspaper and tell the world that whether or not the articles were about him and his friends, he's definitely not gay. Even though the articles said they weren't anyway. Whoever they were. And by the way if the articles were about him, they're not true.

Some unknown local radio DJ decided he was "prominant in the music industry", and did the same, getting five minutes of fame and a few thousand pounds in damages. Cole then produced a fiance from nowhere to prove how straight he is - presumably thinking that (a) it looks convincing and (b) anyone gives a flying rat anyway.

It's all rather pathetic, and rather familliar.

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The dogs are chipped and pinned. That is, the vet has put locator chips in their necks in case we lose them, and vaccinated them against the most common canine diseases at the same time.

They also had a general health checkup - Dino is fine and bounding around like an excited gazelle, but Spock has a heart murmer, and is somewhat zonked out on painkillers for it.

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The Infomaniac has asked for details on cruising etiquette. I don't have the strength for a proper article right now, but a short version would look something like:

Every cruising ground is different, with variations on the same basic themes. Men stand around or walk slowly, being visible to each other and constantly looking around for anyone they like the look of

It isn't unusual to spend half an hour or longer checking out the available men before making a move, and then you may have to try several men before you find one who accepts you.

Sitting down usually means you're taking a break from cruising, and moving rapidly is distrusted. Loud conversation is rude, though quiet conversations between friends are okay, but you can't converse and be available at the same time.

It is okay to indicate your interest in someone with a quiet "Hi", and once you're engaged in sex with them, you can quietly negotiate what to do.

Other ways to initiate are eye contact for more than a few seconds, especially if you also fondle your crotch. Sometimes putting your hands in your pockets has the same meaning.

Touching someone to indicate your interest is rather forward and annoys some people. If they move away (especially with a rapid jerky movement), this is an unambigious rejection and you shouldn't try again.

Often though, a man will ignore your advances without actually rejecting you until he's sure there's no one else around that he likes better.

You can ask to join in with sex that people are already having by maintaining eye contact with the participants, and if you're a participant you can invite someone to join you in the same way.