Globulous Maximus

Updates on my life and music when I'm somewhat less tierd. In the meantime, another post has appeared from the utterly mysterious and definitely-not-me Eight Tons of Geese.

Extract from the memoirs of Madeupname Notreal

I first realised I was blessed when, one day stepping out of the shower, I noticed what I took to be a birthmark on my left buttock. Upon closer examination with the help of some mirrors and my neighbour's young daughter, we discovered that it was actually the face of Mother Teresa.

We thought little of it until, several days later, I was sitting on a horse riding to the local stoat polishers convention. Imagine my surprise when the elderly horse suddenly developed great youth and vigour, running and jumping in fright at the sight of a UFO landing.

I thought it might be the flying saucer having the rejuvenating effect upon my equine steed, but Jesus appeared to me in vision when I fell off the horse and landed headfirst on a passing police car.

Jesus told me (in a Texan accent) that my buttocks were blessed with the holy sign of Teresa, and that any living thing - such as the horse - coming into contact them would be healed with the quantum energy of the Lord.

That night, I experimented by placing my buttocks on the chest of my asthmatic mother as she slept. A holy light flowed from them into her, and the next morning she awoke, magically relieved of her malady.

Over the next month, I healed many people in the same way, by the laying on of buttocks, and soon aquired a reputation. One doubter challenged me to sit upon his nose to cue his cold. Although the symptoms persisted, the deeper sickness was cured when, after just one face sitting session, he pronounced himself spiritually enlightened and rushed off in great haste to spread the news.

All that was mere months ago, and now I help millions by having them send their problems to me by email, and for a small charge I effect a healing by sitting on the computer, pouring forth my energy therefrom into the internet. Personal sittings can be arranged, and I have placed my orbs at the disposal of many famous politicians and film stars.