"If a culture stops allowing people the right to fail, that culture will die."
- Tariq Ali

Hey Kids, Don't Do Drugs

---

You remember I got hold of some legal drugs to see if they gave me some much needed energy? And you remember how I came over a bit weird?

Well they come in packs of two, and I found the other one, and took it just to see what would happen. They're called 'Speed Freak Ultra', but seeing as all "herbal supplements" have over the top brand names, I didn't think much of it.

It's seven in the morning, and I have just spent five hours being...intense. Specifically:

* Dry mouth

* Thirst

* Stomach cramps

* Being rather too wide awake

* Not exactly a headache but a kind of pressure from inside the temples.

* Having a desperate sexual craving. I've been known to have a fair sexual appetite sometimes, but I've never before spent five solid hours thinking obsessively about penises. Sucking and swallowing. Not even when I was thirteen.

* Having no physiological sexual response whatsoever. My nipples have been sensitive ever since I was nineteen when a deeply strange man showed me what they were for. Tonight: slightly less responsive than the average toenail.

As for traces of erection...or that sickly sweet feeling you get near your bladder for which there doesn't seem to be word. Or those tingles you sometimes get radiating outward from your groin. Not a hint.

It's probably good I was alone, as I'd most likely have been a complete pain to any company - though possibly less wall-climbingly frustrated.

It can be fun to mess with your own head. But I don't think I'll be doing this again. Some experiences are for remembering rather than having.

---

"A low budget is almost always a release."
- Tilda Swinton

"If you want people to do wicked things, you need religion."
- Christopher Hitchens

Everybody Likes Like

---

How many of the things you do for pleasure...actually give you pleasure?

Holidays? Famously stressful. There's something about paying to be in unfamiliar surroundings that makes families want to kill each other.

Friends? Be honest - how many of your friends are annoying people you've got into the habit of tolerating, but you've forgotten why?

Sporting events? Ninety minutes of watching highly trained minor celebrities simulate violent sex with each other, with occasional minutes of excitement when they, erm, 'score'.

Sex (violent or otherwise)? There's something rather deflating about letting someone try to make you substitute for their fantasy, in the hope they can subsitute for yours.

TV? I've often caught myself checking the clock to see how long it'll be till the programme ends and I can do something else. Since when was mindless entertainment a timetabled chore?

Music? How often do you put on some favourite music, and after ten minutes realise you've been ignoring the music while reading your emails?

Chocolate? If the taste is so good, why are you so keen to swallow that piece and start on the next?

If you really do enjoy any of these things, then fine. But I've come to the conclusion that everyone should take a long hard look at their list of enjoyments every few years, and prune it down to things they do enjoy - as opposed to things they used to enjoy, or only tell themselves they enjoy, or think they ought to enjoy.

And when we've all done that, we can ask the next question.

How many of the things you do to gain approval...acutally get you approval?

---

"All I ask is that you be consistent with your bullshit."
- Chuck Sonnenberg

"Stop organising your life around people who don’t get the joke."
- Laurence O’Donnell

Words and Numbers 2

---

How many words with ten syllables does English have?

According to my wordlist (extracted from the digital version of the 1997 Shorter Oxford English Dictionary) the answer is: None

But it's not a simple as that, because it lists "floccinaucinihilipilification" (the act of estimating something to be valueless) with seven vowels or vowel+glide pairs, and thus seven syllables. Except I make it eleven.

"Praetertransubstantiationalism" is a word from catholic theology that I learned in seminary. I still don't know exactly what it means, but I reckon it's also got eleven syllables. It's not in the SOED.

Everyone's favourite pointlessly long word - "Antidisestablishmentarianisn" - isn't in there either, but I think it's got twelve syllables. Likewise "Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis" (a disease of the lungs) is absent but, by my reckoning, has sixteen.

I can sort-of pronounce "Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch" (nineteen syllables), mainly because my father lived there in the first world war.

Some people stick extra schwa vowels into words to make them easier to pronounce. Others glide adjacent vowels together, or skip over entire syllables. The two longest common surnames in Britain are "Cholmondalay" and "Featherstonehaugh" - pronounced (and often respelled) "Chumley" and "Fanshaw".

So, still no dectasyllablical squipidalianisms, but the SOED lists eight words with nine syllables. See how many syllables you say them with:

Reticuloendothelial (9)
Arteriosclerosis (I make it 7, probably)
Extraterritoriality (9)
Immunoelectrophoresis (9)
Otorhinolaryngology (9)
Polytetrafluoroethylene (9)
Propionibacterium (8)
Stachybotryotoxicosis (9)

---

"Your enemies form you much more than your friends."
- John P Meier

"A is for Beginning"
- Paul Morley

Words and Numbers

English has 441 nouns that are pronounced the same in the plural as the singular. Most of them seem to be from the French, and I understand maybe a dozen of them. Here they are:

Abonnement	Adage	Affaire
Agacerie	Allée	Allure
Amende	Andouille	Andouillette
Arc-Boutant	Arrière-Pensée	Arriviste
Arrondissement	Assemblé	Assemblée
Aubusson	Aumônière	Auteur
Auvergnat	Avoué	Bagarre
Bagne	Bahut	Baignoire
Balancé	Ballon	Ballonné
Batterie	Béguin	Bénitier
Berceuse	Bergère	Bêtise
Bevue	Biberon	Bibliothèque
Bidon	Biftek	Blagueur
Blanc	Blancbec	Blanquette
Boîte	Bondieuserie	Bouchée
Boulevardier	Bouleversement	Bourgade
Briquet	Brisé	Brouillon
Cache-Peigne	Café	Café
Cafetière	Cagot	Cagoulard
Cahier	Camaieu	Carmagnole
Carrefour	Causerie	Causeuse
Ceinture	Chaîné	Chaise
Chambranle	Changement	Chanson
Chanteuse	Chasse-Marée	Chassepot
Chateaubriand	Chaton	Chaussée
Chevalet	Chevelure	Cheville
Chiffonnier	Civet	Clochard
Cohue	Comble	Comédie
Compotier	Comptoir	Conférencier
Confrérie	Consigne	Conte
Convenance	Coureur	Couvert
Crémaillère	Crise	Croûte
Culotte	Curé	Dalle
Danseur	Danseuse	Débat
Débouché	Découpage	Dégringolade
Délassement	Démêlé	Démenti
Demi-Vierge	Développé	Diseuse
Dot	Drageoir	Ébauche
Ébéniste	Éboulement	Échevin
Échevin	Éclaircissement	Écrevisse
Élégante	Élève	Éloge
Embarras	Embusqué	Émeute
Émincé	Enceinte	Enchaînement
Encoignure	Enfantillage	Engouement
Engrenage	Entremet	Épanchement
Épaulement	Épicerie	Équipe
Érudit	Escargot	Esclandre
Esquisse	Estacade	Estafette
Estaminet	Estouffade	Étalage
Étang	Étourderie	Étrenne
Externat	Extincteur	Fanchon
Fauteuil	Faux-Bourdon	Félibre
Féra	Fillette	Filtre
Fine	Flacon	Flâneur
Flèche	Fontange	Fourgon
Fourniture	Friandise	Friseur
Frondeur	Galère	Garçon
Garconnière	Gare	Gargouillade
Garigue	Gavroche	Gilet
Girouette	Gîte	Glissé
Goûter	Grognard	Guérite
Guinguette	Hausse	Hausse-Col
Homme	Horizontale	Incroyable
Inédit	Intermède	Jabot
Japonaiserie	Jongleur	Jour
Lacet	Laisse	Lande
Langue	Lettre	Livraison
Loup	Madrier	Magnanerie
Mail	Maillot	Maire
Mairie	Maison	Maître
Maîtresse	Majorat	Mamelière
Manchette	Manoir	Marigot
Marmiton	Marotte	Marouflage
Marsouin	Mascaret	Mâtin
Médaillon	Messagerie	Métairie
Métayer	Milice	Militaire
Millefeuille	Minaudière	Minot
Miroton	Mitrailleur	Mitrailleuse
Morgue	Mortier	Motard
Mouchard	Moule	Naïveté
Nécessaire	Nef	Négociant
Névé	Noceur	Non
Nouille	Nounou	Nouvelle
Objet	Oeillade	Oeuvre
Orage	Ouvert	Ouvreuse
Palmier	Palourde	Parapluie
Paratonnerre	Parfumerie	Parisienne
Parloir	Partage	Particule
Partie	Partouse	Patronne
Paysage	Paysanne	Pelouse
Pensionnaire	Pensionnat	Peulvan
Piedroit	Pignon	Pinard
Piou-Piou	Piqueur	Piqûre
Place	Plaidoyer	Plaisanterie
Planh	Plat	Plié
Plongeur	Pochoir	Poêlée
Point	Pointe	Poissarde
Poitrinaire	Policier	Polisson
Politique	Pomme	Popote
Portefeuille	Porteur	Portière
Post-Chaise	Potiche	Potin
Poudreuse	Poule	Poupée
Pourboire	Pourparler	Pousse-Café
Praire	Pré-Salé	Presbytère
Primeur	Procédé	Procureur
Projet	Prolonge	Provocateur
Puy	Quartier	Quillon
Quincaillerie	Quinton	Raccourci
Rafale	Raisonneur	Rapide
Rasta	Rastaquouère	Raté
Ratelier	Ravalement	Razet
Réchaud	Récit	Réclame
Récolte	Rédacteur	Reflet
Régie	Régisseur	Reglement
Relâche	Relance	Religieuse
Remaniement	Remboîtage	Remueur
Renseignement	Rente	Rentier
Réplique	Repoussoir	Résistant
Retiré	Retraite	Réveillon
Reverdie	Revirement	Rognon
Roman	Rôtisseur	Rouget
Roulement	Routier	Routinier
Royale	Salaud	Salmi
Salut	Sanglier	Saucier
Saucisson	Saut	Séjour
Servante	Sévigné	Signifiant
Signifié	Singerie	Sirop
Sirvente	Snobisme	Sociétaire
Soigneur	Solfège	Sommité
Sottise	Sottisier	Soubise
Soubresaut	Soubresaut	Souffre-Douleur
Soupe	Souper	Soupirant
Sous-Entendu	Souteneur	Spectacle
Strapontin	Suisse	Tabac
Tabagie	Tabatière	Taille
Tailleur	Tastevin	Tâtonnement
Tendre	Tendresse	Terrasse
Thé	Tian	Tirage
Tomme	Tonnelle	Tonton
Tourmente	Traiteur	Tranche
Tricoteuse	Tripot	Trouvaille
Urinoir	Vague	Veillée
Veilleuse	Vendange	Vendeuse
Vernissage	Vespasienne	Vie
Viguier	Vin	Virage
Viveur	Vivier	Voyant
Voyou	Vraisemblance	Vulgarisateur

I can reveal this fascinating fact because I'm trying to write a bit of software to be a rhyming dictionary - with options for perfect rhymes, slant rhymes (rhymes which ignore the difference between similar pairs of consonants), vowel rhymes and more.

Actually, I've spent most of the last week trying to make scripts to tidy up the raw data of spelling and pronunciation. It's either that or spend a year doing it by hand.

In the meantime, there are 179 pronouns, including such rarities as 'Yez' (plural You), Whosoever, and Hern (Hers). And 261 prepositions, including Yond, Neath and Abune.

And 65,796 nouns, the last of which is Zythum - a kind of ancient Eqyptian wine made from fermented malt.

---

UPDATE: Thanks to the OED's not-entirely-consistent system of classification, I've found some more:

cru	déclassé	déraciné
gratiné	journalier	lisse
affiche	aperçu	arrêt
assiette	assignat	attentat
battement	cache-pot	cache-sexe
charcuterie	chassé	comte
comtesse	congé	convive
couvre-pied	crème	cru
déclassé	déjeuner	démarche
demi-mondaine	déraciné	dévot
digestif	digue	dormeuse
entrechat	farceur	faubourg
ferronnière	ficelle	fiche
figurant	fouetté	frisson
Général	gratin	gratiné
habitué	illuminé	journalier
lavaret	lisse	loge
longueur	lycée	mandat
mascaron	mélange	mésalliance
mignardise	mouchoir	muscadin
musée	niaiserie	palafitte
papeterie	pari-mutuel	parti
pastourelle	pesade	pis
pissoir	plafond	pochade
pompier	pont-levis	potage
pot-et-fleur	poulet	renversement
répétiteur	rivière	ruelle
salle	sapin	suprême
tête	vicomte	vicomtesse
visite

---

"Everybody can write about everything and freedom of science consists precisely in people deliberately writing about things they have not studied."
- Frederich Engels

"It appears to me that direct arguments against christianity and theism produce hardly any effect on the public; and freedom of thought is best promoted by the gradual illumination of men’s minds which follows from the advance of science."
- Charles Darwin

"Who is to even say something is a clue? It might simply be a fact seen in the light of suspicion."
- Roger Ebert

"Presence is sometimes as creative as ideas."
- David Thomson

"Utopias can’t co-exist with other ideas."
- Naomi Klein

"Public opinion is a mirage."
- Richard Seymour

Manwatching

---

I used to know a man who, every month or so, would drive 100 or more miles - over state borders - to have sex with men he met on the net. He was happily married, active in the local church, and decidedly...traditional in attitudes to adultery and family.

Now, according to him the real buzz in these encounters was when men told him things like, "Gee, that's a real big dick you've got" and "Wow, what a great cock". They'd suck each other for half an hour, then he'd drive back to the wife and kids, generally in a cloud of guilt and determination never to do that again.

He also liked to watch me masturbate on webcam, but always said he didn't have a cam of his own - so I couldn't return his appreciation. Oh, and it might have been the settings on his monitor, but he was under the impression that I wasn't a completely white guy - "Yeah, jerk that coloured cock for me".

Are you getting the impression of mixed motives here? Enjoys being desired, but he's the one doing the looking. Likes mexican and 'dark' men, but politically conservative. Crosses state lines as a way to compartmentalise his sexual lives, and likes to say homosexuality is wrong because it's sex outside marriage.

I'm not moralising about someone else's hypocrisy - rather I'm thinking about how the lies we tell change with the role of who we're telling them to, and how the lies change when the role of the listener changes.

There are the lies we tell our aquaintences to make us look good to them, lies we tell ourselves to make us look good to ourselves...and lies we tell our confessors to make us look good to god. Or 'society', which is the same thing.

In my role as extramarital fun I got one story. In my role as listener afterwards I got another - which depended on whether I was listening to post-orgasm guilt, pillar of the community, or internal monologue validated by a nonjudgemental audience.

I have to wonder whether he liked sex with men at all, or was one of those straight men who fetishise masculinity - as bodybuilders do. Or whether he'd found that the people who made him feel sexy and desirable just happened to be other men. Or whether the half hour encounters with elaborate distancing rituals were more about the idea of sex than the reality.

The number of men who sit for hours at their computers to arrange sex, and then find ways to avoid it, should show how common this last is.

All this was well over a decade ago, and if he ever told me his name I've forgotten it. I don't think I could tell you one definite thing about what his motives were, least of all whether he knew them himself.

---

"Those who can’t teach, criticise."
- Unknown

"Men think epilepsy divine, merely because they do not understand it. But if they called everything divine which they do not understand, why, there would be no end to divine things."
- Hippocrates