Bonfire of Inanities

I did write something caustic and political for Guy Fawkes night. All about terrorism, corrupt governments, and religious scapegoating. But no one wants to read me being caustic, least of all me, so...

I also wrote something about the sex I had at the weekend - when a man lost control and urinated while I was fellating him, after which he bought me deep fried squid to make up. But I'm assured that this is TMI, so...

I found some Bollywood songs about eating motorboats and nipples, but that's just silly, so...

We did have a bonfire tonight - of about a decade of my life. In the late 80s and early 90s, I was a graphic designer. There's weren't many good professional designers around at the time, so our little family business with designer (me), technical support (mum) and managing director (dad) was in constant demand.

We got contracts to design logos from all over the UK, plus some from the Netherlands, and some from Germany and even India! Then the UK economy collapsed and design software got cheaper - our former clients couldn't afford to employ us, and they could afford to do the work themselves. Which resulted in some painfully bad logos.

Until today, there were around ten thousand (!) designs mouldering away on floppy disks and printouts in the basement, next to thirty years worth of accounts, some particularly unsuccessful experiments in winemaking, and my homemade gym.

Now the ashcan is, for the first time ever, actually full of ash.

I hate writing CVs. Specifically, I hate the parts where I'm supposed to describe myself as a person, as opposed to someone who can do the job.

All the employer wants to know about me is whether I'll make trouble for them, but to find that out they have to ask a lot of cretinoid questions and pretend to be interested in my life outside work. Which is odd really, because they'd rather I didn't have a life outside work.

Here some of the questions, with honest answers provided:

How would you describe yourself? I don't.

Are you a team player? I work with the team if they're competent, not for the boss who never is.

Why do you want the job? I don't want the job, I need the money you idiot.

Where do you see yourself in ten years time? Someplace they don't ask fucking stupid questions like that.

What are your interests? Music, musicology, music production, psychoacoustics, computer programming, computer maintenance, constructive linguistics, analytical linguistics, reading detective stories, writing detective stories, reading science fiction, writing science fiction, insolitology, physics, chemistry, biology, art, politics, religion, philosophy, anything else that looks interesting.

What did you learn in your last job? That the best way to get your employer to do something is to make them think it was their idea. Even when they're a bit vague on what the idea is.

Is there anything else you'd like to tell us? I'm better than you in every way. If only because a squashed slug is better than you in every way.

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