I Seek Not to Know All the Answers...

I am tagged by the fabulous Minge.

10 things I'd never do:

1. Take a package holiday with a pengiun
2. Take a package holiday
3. Sing any song written by Justin Hayward
4. Have sex with Anne Widdecombe
5. Join the BNP
6. Pretend to be a stockbroker
7. Have sex with anyone called Anne
8. Read Dale Carnigie upside down
9. Have sex with a woman
10. Have sex with Dale Carnegie

Other things I'd never do:

Believe in Uri Geller, appear on a gameshow, clean my teeth with a haddock.

Fifty questions from Moncrief Speaks:

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?

So I'm still me then.

2. How much cash do you have on you?

20 pence. Tonight I spent £10 on drinks for me and others, £1 on a small polystyrene box of chips, £1.50 towards someone' train fare, and £35 on something from ebay.

3. What's a word that rhymes with "DOOR?"


4. Favorite planet?

Mars. It's where the invading little green men come from. Though Jupiter has more style.

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your mobile telephone?

Paul, guitartist with a band I'm recording.

6. What is your favourite ring tone on your mobile telephone?

Favourite? You mean it's possible to enjoy a ringtone? I use the monophonic nokia "tapdance", because it can be heard through anything.

7. What shirt are you wearing?

Cheap (3 for £5) white teeshirt, with a small curry stain just above my cardiac sphincter.

8. Do you "label" yourself?

Gay but not camp.
Intellectual but scatty.
Secure but poor.
Kind but impatient.
Labelled but contradictory,

9. Name the brand of the shoes you're currently wearing?

Black trainers. No visible brand.

10. Bright or dark room?

Bright. I'd prefer it darker.

11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?

I think they probably have a mole just below their left shoulderblade.

12. What does your watch look like?

My clock is my phone. It's the cheapest phone I could find.

13. What were you doing at midnight last night?

Trying to install BitTorrent. It eventually worked. It had now stopped working.

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say?

Really sorry mate I have to cancel. I'm steaming pissed mate just staggering home so I can pass out when I get in. Sorry buddy.

15. Where is your nearest 7-11?


16. What's a word that you say a lot?


17. Who told you he/she loved you last?

A man called C. And he really did too. I was stupid enough to say I loved him too, without being certain.

18. Last furry thing you touched?

A rather nice fleecy jacked I found lying in a gutter

19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days?

Alcohol and caffine.

20. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed?

All my cameras are digital, and none of them work properly.

21. Favorite age you have been so far?

Thirty two. I fell in love, started singing, and shook off most of the past.

22. Your worst enemy?

International corporate imperialism. Either that or the one bloke in the universe too dumb to work out I'm gay. His name's Dave.

23. What is your current desktop picture?

A uniform dark blue.

24. What was the last thing you said to someone?

Oh right, thanks. I'll watch it later.

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be?

The million bucks. There's nowhere I want to fly to.

26. Do you like someone?

"Like" as in "like and would like to like better"? No. I've given up on that for a few months.

27. The last song you listened to?

Heaven 17 - We Don't Need This Fascist Groove Thang.

28. What time of day were you born?


29. What's your favorite number?


30. Where did you live in 1987?

Mostly in my own head, but apart from that in the same town I've lived in since I was four. I was 15, miserable, bullied, and wanted two things out of life - one was for almost everyone I knew to die horribly, and the other was to make music. I also wanted to read lots of books, and have sex with lots of men, both of which were the cause of the bullying.

31. Are you jealous of anyone?

Anyone who knows more about anything than me.

32. Is anyone jealous of you?

Amazingly, yes. For the same reason, I think.

33. Where were you when 9/11 happened?

Replying to emails about software. I saw the TV, and thought "Is this a disaster movie?". I realised it wasn't and thought "Just how low below it's usual flightpath have to fly before it hits a skyscraper? The pilot must be seriously incompetant.". Then I realised it wasn't an accident and thought "Ah, so there's going to be a war. Shit."

34. What do you do when vending machines steal your money?

Warn the next person not to use it.

35. Do you consider yourself kind?

Yes, in a random way.

36. If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?

On my left chest. Like a badge.

37. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?

No one believes I can speak Esperanto. Or rather, no one believes anyone can speak Esperanto, except those who know anything about the subject.

I think German would be quite useful.

38. Would you move for the person you loved?

I've only been truely in love once, and I was ready to move without question. Then he dumped me. He was right.

39. Are you touchy feely?

Not remotely.

40. What's your life motto?

You Have Forgotten Something.

41. Name three things that you have on you at all times?

Phone, pen, paper.

42. What's your favorite town/city?


43. What was the last thing you paid for with cash?

A polystyrene box of chips. With salt and vinegar. And a plastic fork and paper napkin. And mayonaise on top.

44. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it?

1996. For information on a language course. Esperanto.

45. Can you change the oil on a car?

I have never owned a car, and never changed anything on one. Except the indicators once, when I tried to learn to drive.

46. Your first love: what is the last thing you heard about him/her?

That he was in a band.

47. How far back do you know about your ancestry?

My parents are tracing their ancestry back to the doomsday book.

I know that one of my grandmothers has eight siblings. Nothing further back.

48. The last time you dressed fancy, what did you wear and why did you dress fancy?

A few months back, when I wore a suit to play a lawyer in a play. Before that, 1997 when I wore the same suit to a funeral.

49. Does anything hurt on your body right now?

My left nipple. It got twisted last night.

50. Have you been burned by love?

Is there some other way to be in love?


  1. Are you sure you're not one of those green men from Mars?... A cardiac sphincter? Never heard of one before...
    Great answers, some really quite meaningful.

  2. Thank you. Or as we used to say on Mars, "xvbyy kj dgggtk"

    A sphincter is a ring of muscle that can open or close like a circular door. The anus is a sphincter, but the human body has two others - the phyloric sphincter at the back of the throat, which closes to prevent food going down the wrong tube into the lungs. And the cardiac sphincter, so called because it's near the heart, that opens to let food into the stomach.

  3. Please explain your affection for Saskatchewan. And how your nipple got twisted.

  4. I always hoped, one day, to hear you sing, Forever Autumn."

    Loved your 50.

    You're fabulous.

    I, too, would like an answer to the nipple question.

  5. Hmmm. I might do "The chances of anything coming from mars..." one day.

    My affection for Saskatchewan is twofold. One, I just like the sound of the word. And two, I once spent a year flirting and camming online with a denizen of that fair but cold place. A very nice guy - I even looked at flights there.

    As for my nipple...well I would like to say someone else did it in a moment of unhinged passion, but it wasn't someone else. ANYWAY...

    I have never thought of myself as fabulous (still less Absolutely Fabulous). Minge is the one with buckets of fabulosity.