Ring, Ring

I never realised the office telephone had so many functions.

In some offices, it's a way of telling the public they should visit the company website, where all conceivable questions shall be answered.

In others, it's a radio station provided as a public service. At any time of the day or night, you can listen to Handel's Water Music for as many hours as you wish.

In many, the telephone serves a purely decorative function, positioned on an empty desk to look efficient and helpful. Occasionally it emits a strange ringing noise, but no one there knows why and it stops soon enough.

Increasingly, they're used to send high pitched bleeps and bursts of white noise to whoever calls them. This could be a special service to nostalgic computer nerds, but I think it's a secret communications network used by giant alien insects prior to an invasion. Either that or the collected works of Aphex Twin.

All these wonders and more I have discovered in the last few days. But I've found it's more effective to walk into the office and hand over your CV in person.

Two interviews arranged.

Oh, and I'm booked to teach a class on Tuesday.

They want me to teach that English doesn't have double negatives. 'Cos native speakers don't hardly ever use double negatives. Not never.

They also want me to teach that "state" verbs like Have, Do, Be, Like and Want never occur in continuous form. Apart from state verbs like Run, Sit, Look, Hope and Sleep, which occur in continuous forms all the time. And apart from common collocations like "having breakfast", "doing a runner" and "being a pain". But apart from that.

I wonder what they make of "if I was you" and "to boldly go".

Did both interviews. Contrasting schools - one was large and mistook paperwork for efficiency, the other small and mistook paperwork for seriousness.

Neither school liked me much, but they're both desperate, so we'll see.

PS. I'm going to have sex tonight. If it isn't raining. So if it's dry it'll be wet. Just thought I'd mention it. No particular reason.

Update: Some men cancel at the last minute, some stand you up and you never hear from them again, and some turn up promptly on time before even more promptly changing their mind. This one just oversleeps.

Nevermind. Better fuck next time.


  1. *ignores everything you said to ask about the sex*

    If it isn't raining?

    Is it outdoor sex, by any chance?

    We want details!

  2. Ah, MJ. I knew if I mentioned manlove you'd cum running. No that's not a typo.

    I shall take my camera, just for you.

  3. I'll believe it when I see it. :-P

  4. I bet you're walking home bow-legged as we speak.