"There's something magical about a room full of strangers, sitting in the dark, eating."
- Laurie Anderson (on cinema)
Here's an impromptu competition. It's called "Spot the Bollocks". Just read the text below, and as soon as you find a sentence which is complete bollocks, shout "Bollocks!". The first one to shout gets a...chocolate bollock. Or something.
Ready? Here we go:
Dear Sir/Madam,
I am writing to apply for the post of English Language Teacher, as advertised with ESLBase.com.
I am a native speaker of British English, newly qualified with a Cambridge CELTA, plus an MA. I have an approachable manner and a love of learning new things.
My CV is enclosed in Word format. I can take up the post immediately. If you need any further information, please do not hesitate to ask.
Did you spot the Bollocks? Well done. I've just emailed it to twelve schools in Eastern Europe.
Oh, and got a response from a tiny school that wants a teacher but what they really want is a computer technician. Gah.
An easier quiz: what was Kapitano doing last night?
Answer: Getting drunk and shagging in the back yard.
Seeing as I was pissed out of my head, he was stoned out of his, and the air was cold enough to freeze the cliches off a brass monkey, there wasn't much hope of "completion". but I thought it was great fun and didn't want to stop.
Have you ever taken an encyclopedia, opened it at random, and started reading? I did that all the time at school and university - with the result that instead of the completely useless education those places tried to give me, I have a different completely useless education. I discovered Heidegger because he came alphabetically after Hegel.
Nowadays we have a giant worldwide machine for doing the same thing - the articles contradict each other just as much, and half are written by people who shouldn't write anything at all - but "surfing" isn't so different.
Keeping your music in mp3s on a few hundred badly catalogued discs works in the same way. You get to discover (or rediscover) stuff from years ago, just by sticking your hand into the box at random, and seeing what comes out.
Today, it's Philip Glass' "Quatsi" trilogy. And some Laurie Anderson. Erm, and some Prodigy remixes.
A school in the Czech Republic have got back to me. This is their supereffecient system for hiring teachers:
(1) Applicant sends CV by email
(2) School sends application form by email
(3) Applicant prints out form, and copies the CV they've already sent onto it by hand
(4) Applicant posts the form, plus a photocopy of their certificate, by snailmail to the school
(5) A week or so later, the school get it, and contact the referees by snailmail
(6) When the referees get back from Christmas holidays, they send a letter back
(7) A week or so later, the school gets the confirmations, and emails the applicant to arrange a telephone interview
(8) Applicant does the telephone interview
(9) School contacts the Czech embassy in London to arrange a travel visa
(10) Applicant travels to London to confirm that they want a visa
(11) Three weeks later, Applicant travels to London to collect the fucking visa
Unless, of course, the applicant finds a school which doesn't take two months to do what the others do in two weeks.
By the way, have you noticed how to job of designing questionnaires and application forms is given to those who have the design skills, but not to those who know what makes a good design?
It's like employing a chef who can operate the oven beautifully, but has no idea what ingredients go together.
Now I've got to wade through headings like "Education School + Major", "Subjects I have worked for" and "Internet Y/N?" - trying to work out what the hell it is they're asking.
Incidentally, these examples are from a school which prides itself on helping businessmen communicate effectively.
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