The Twelve Essays of Christmas: Swanning About


For the past three months, I've been working on a teaching method, whereby students go quickly through all the elementary grammar, but with minimal vocabulary. Then with that foundation they go on to more advanced grammar and more words.

In fact, these little essays came out of that work.

I think it suits the Arab educational mindset, and incidentally it's how I would prefer to learn. The initial minimal vocabulary would consist of the most common nouns, adjectives and regular verbs - plus 'grammar words' like auxiliaries, modals, prepositions, articles etc.

Which leaves only the nagging question: What are the most common nouns etc.? And what's a reliable way to find out what they are?

I've tried various methods. One was to take the subtitles of 2000 films and BBC TV shows, which I've collected over 2 years, and run them through a word frequency analyser. After trying out several programs, I found they were all either far too expensive...or utter rubbish. Except for one which was free and did exactly what I needed, but crashes after 37,000 words.

So I tried writing a script which took the same corpus and counted off the non-plural nouns, non-adverbial adjectives and non-irregular verbs, got by another script from the COED. It took a week to run and the result was...unusable. Here for instance are the 'top 25 nouns'.

NounFrequency
I326168
it242586
S236762
and229025
T125990
he90903
on89512
me70876
are67004
but65995
so60612
re58068
do57479
not57186
No54522
M52176
at48153
don47514
she43154
as42600
if39252
go34934
oh34120
see30611
yeah28665

Now, there are plenty of other people, much more clever and expert than me, with much more computing power, who are doing similar work. This fellow has produced some very nice word frequency graphs using Google's Ngrams - a frequency list which google produced from works on their googlebooks service. (Hat tip to Ben Goldacre, who's essay on he subject I found by accident while taking a break from staring at wordlists.)

So I thought: Why don't I filter the Ngram list, ommitting everything that isn't a noun, verb or adjective from the COED corpus, the sort the result into nouns, verbs and adjectives (again, as defined in the COED), and sort the output by google's estimate of frequency? And take out the irregular verbs.

Well....this is the result:

NounsAdjectivesRegular Verbs
andtheof
totoin
inina
isabe
thatthaton
foritor
itonbut
asnothave
washeyou
withthiswere
byhisone
onwhichcan
nothavemore
hetheywill
iyouno
thistheirmay
areonetime
oralldo
butherout
havemoreup
anwillsee
yousoover
werenolike
onesheeven
allotherwell


Hm. 'And' is a noun? 'To' is an adjective? 'Over' is a verb? Well, yes.

An 'AND Gate', or just 'An AND', is something you'll find in electronic circuits - it takes two electrical inputs, and if they're both 'on', it'll output a 'on' signal. So 'and' is a noun.

'To' is an abbreviated form of the Middle English pronoun 'Tone', which is a contraction of 'The one' - as is 'The one or the other'. The fact that no one's used it for at least 500 years is just a detail.

To 'Over' means to jump over something, or to get the better of someone. And it's Late Middle English, so almost as obsolete as 'To.

So what I actually need is a frequency list of exclusively modern english. Like the lists given at Word Detail. Here's their top 25s:

NounsAdjectivesVerbs
timegoodbe
yearnewhave
peopleolddo
waygreatsay
manhighget
daysmallmake
thinglargego
childlongsee
mryoungknow
governmentrighttake
workearlythink
lifebigcome
womanlategive
systemfulllook
casefaruse
partlowfind
groupbadwant
numbersuretell
worldclearput
houselikelymean
arearealbecome
companyblackleave
problemwhitework
servicefreeneed
placeeasyfeel


'Government'? 'Mr'? 'Great'? What kind of corpus were they using that places 'Government' as the 11th most common noun? It's number 145 in the Googlebooks corpus, just above 'States' (159) and 'Thus' (170), and I'm fairly sure these words aren't in my top 500.

So it seems the answer to the question is another question. What are the most common words used in the english language? Answer: Used by who?

The usual intuition of the layperson is that the most common nouns are words like 'knife', 'fork', 'spoon', 'plate' and 'cup'. But these are common things, not common topics of conversation. When was the last time you discussed your cutlery?

My own intuition was that the most common verbs would include 'push', 'pull', 'take', 'drop' and 'put'. But as I've found in teaching, students are more likely to know 'sit down' than 'sit', and 'give up' than 'give'. At least, my students - someone else's will be different.

Something else I could try is the WordNet project, which doesn't so much collect words as meanings - like a thesaurus, but aimed at linguists instead of bad novelists.

Perhaps for my purposes it doesn't matter that I use the commonest words, because I'm using them as a way to teach grammar first and communication second. So maybe this has all been a bit pointless. But pointless journeys have a habit of being more interesting than...er, pointed ones.

The Twelve Essays of Christmas: Alaying

Nouns come in two flavours - singlular and plural. As I've said, verbs come in several too - 2, 3, 4 or 5 depending on how you divide things up. I prefer to think of adjectives as having two types - the type that describes nouns, and the type that's usually the same but with '-ly' on the end, that describes verbs.

In traditional grammar, we call this second kind of adjective an 'adverb'. But we also use the word 'adverb' to refer to words which don't have multiple forms, and which aren't noun-describing adjectives with '-ly' stuck on the end, but which do describe verbs. Or sometimes whole sentences. Except when they don't.

Words like 'Yesterday', 'Today' and 'Tomorrow', but also 'Westward', 'goddam', 'hereby', 'nowadays' and 'pell-mell'.

The category of 'secondary adverb' - the first sense that I gave - is fairly robust. There's even a few irregular secondary adverbs - we have "The car drives fast" instead of "The car drives fastly", and "The student did well" instead of "The student did goodly". Some secondary adverbs have meanings that have shifted away from their adjective roots - 'hopefully' doesn't mean 'full of hope', 'sorely' is always emotional soreness, and 'positively' only reflects some senses of 'positive'.

'Leisurely' looks like an adverb from an adjective, but it's actually an adjective from a noun. The same for 'westerly'. And what's the form of an adverb from an adjective that looks like an adverb already? The same one. Obviously, duh.

But primary adverbs - ones that usually-but-not-always don't come from adjectives and usually-but-not-always have only one form...that's a ragbag category. I think it's more a place to put anything that won't go anywhere else. It should be marked 'Misc' or 'Other'. Or 'Don't Know'.

Though I should stress that half of them are also listed as adjective. Or conjunctions, exclamations etc. The COED lists 913 of these words - not including the 'relative' and 'interrogative' adverbs, of which more later.

2-24-7A-OK
abeamabedaboard
aborningaboutabove
abreastabroadabsolutely
accelerandoaccordingaccordingly
acrossactuallyad-lib
adriftafarafield
afireaflameafloat
afootafoulafresh
aftafterafternoon
afterwardsagainagitato
agleyagoaground
aheadajarakimbo
aleealfrescoalias
alightalikeall
allargandoallegrettoalmost
aloftalonealong
alongshorealoudalow
alreadyalrightalso
altogetheralwayalways
amidshipsamissamok
amorosoamuckandantino
anewangliceanimato
anonante-mortemanticlockwise
anyanyhowanymore
anyplaceanytimeanyway
anywaysanywhereanywheres
anywiseapaceapart
apiecearcoaright
aroundarsy-versyas
ashoreasideaskance
askewaslantasleep
aslopeasprawlasquint
ass-backwardsassaiastern
astrayastrideasunder
aswirlathwartatilt
atopawayawfully
awhileawryaye
backback-to-backbackstage
backwardbackwardsbadly
ballybangbareback
barefootbarehandedbareheaded
barelybasicallybefore
beforehandbehindbelow
beneathbesidesbest
betimesbetterbetween
betwixtbeyondbimonthly
bisbitchingbiweekly
biyearlyblindblindfold
blooeybodilyboth
boustrophedonbroadcastbroadside
butbycalando
cantabilecapricciosocater-cornered
certainlycheapcheerly
chieflycitywideclean
cleanlyclearclearly
clockwisecloseclose-hauled
collectcommonlycomparatively
completelyconfessedlyconsequently
consideringcontrariwisecornerwise
countercounterclockwisecountrywide
crabwisecrescendocross-legged
crosswisecurrentlycy-pres
dailydeaddeadly
deadpandeardearly
deceptivelydecrescendodeep
definitelydesignedlydevilish
ding-dongdinkumdirect
directlydirtydoggo
dolcedoubledoubtless
downdownfielddownhill
downmarketdownmostdownright
downriverdownslopedownstage
downstairsdownstatedownstream
downtowndownwarddownwind
drilydry-shoddryly
duedulyduty-free
e'ene'ereach
each-wayearlyeasily
easteasterlyeastward
economicallyedgewayseither
ekeelseelsewhere
endwaysenoughentirely
equallyerewhileergo
ersterstwhileespecially
espressivoeveneven-steven
eveningeverevermore
everyplaceeverywhereex-works
exactlyexceedinglyexpress
extemporeextrafair
fairlyfaithfullyfar
fartherfarthestfast
fifty-fiftyfilthyfine
firmfirst-handfirstly
flatforbyeforehanded
foremostforeverformerly
forsoothforteforth
forthwithfortissimofortunately
forwardfour-squarefrankly
freefreehandfreelance
freelyfreshFriday
frofugatofull
full-timefullyfurioso
furthermorefurthestgaily
generallygeygingerly
goddamgrantedgratis
greatgreatlygross
halfhalf-and-halfhalf-price
half-yearlyhalfwayhappen
hardhardlyhead-on
head-to-headheadlongheap
heartilyhellishhelter-skelter
hencehenceforthhere
hereaboutshereafterhereat
herebyhereinhereinafter
hereinbeforehereofhereto
heretoforehereunderhereunto
hereuponherewithhiggledy-piggledy
highhighlyhipshot
hitherhitherwardholus-bolus
homehomewardhonest
honestlyhopefullyhorseback
hotfoothourlyhouse-to-house
howhowbeithowever
hugelyhumanlyibid.
idemillimmediately
immenselyimpromptuin
in-housein-storeinasmuch
inboardinboundinchmeal
incidentallyincognitoincommunicado
indeedindoorsinfield
inlandinlyinshore
insideinsofarinsomuch
instanterinsteadinterest-free
interiminterstateinward
inwardsirregardlessitem
jollyjustkindly
kitty-cornerknee-highlandward
largelylarghettolargo
lastlastlylate
latelylatishlatterly
leastleastwaysleeward
leftlegatoleisurely
lengthwayslengthwiselento
lesslickety-splitlief
likelikelylikewise
literallyliteratimlittle
livelonglongways
lotloudlow
lowerlowlyluckily
mañanamaestosomainly
majorlymarcatomarginally
materiallymaybemayhap
meantimemeanwhilemeno
mercifullymerelymiddling
midmostmidshipsmidway
midweekmightymile
mitemob-handedmoderato
moltomomentarilymomently
Mondaymondomonthly
moremoreovermorning
mossomostmostly
muchmuchomultiply
namelynatchnatheless
naturallynaynear
nearbynearlynecessarily
needneithernever
nevermoreneverthelessnew
newlynextniggardly
nighnightnightly
nonohownon-stop
nonenonethelessnor
normallynorthnorth-east
north-easterlynorth-eastwardnorth-west
north-westerlynorth-westwardnortherly
northwardnotnotably
nothingnotwithstandingnow
nowadaysnowaynowhere
nowisenuffo'clock
o'erobiteroff
off-keyoff-peakoff-piste
off-planoff-priceoff-road
offhandofflineoffshore
offsideoffstageoft
oft-timesoftenoftentimes
oh-soOKon
onceone-to-oneonline
onlyonshoreonside
onstageonwardopenly
oppositeotherwhereotherwise
outoutboardoutbound
outdoorsoutrightoutside
outwardoutwardsover
overalloverarmoverboard
overgroundoverhandoverhead
overlandoverleafoverlong
overlyovermuchovernight
overseasoversideovertime
overtopparlandoparrot-fashion
partpart-timepart-way
particularlypartlypassim
pastpatpatently
pell-mellperchanceperforce
perhapspianissimopiano
piecemealpiggybackpit-a-pat
pitter-patterplainplease
plentyplumbplump
pocopoint-blankpoorly
positivelypossiblypost-haste
powerfulpracticallypredominately
presentlyprestissimopresto
presumablypretermpretty
primarilyprincipallypro
probablyprofessedlyprompt
prontoproperproperly
purposelypursuantquarterly
quiterallentandorarely
ratherravingreadily
readyrealreally
rearwardregardlessregretfully
respectivelyrichlyright
rightlyritardandoritenuto
rottenroughlyround
roundlysadlysame
Saturdayscarcescherzando
scilicetscot-freescreamingly
second-handseldomsemplice
sempreseq.seriatim
seriouslysforzandosharp
sheershortshortly
sicsidearmsidelong
sidewayssidewisesimpliciter
simplysincesingle-handed
skew-whiffsky-highslap
slapdashslightlyslily
smacksmallsmartish
smashsmoothsmorzando
sosockingsoever
softsolelysolo
somesomehowsomeplace
somethingsometimesometimes
somewaysomewhatsomewhen
somewheresommersoon
soresorelysound
southsouth-eastsouth-easterly
south-eastwardsouth-westsouth-westerly
south-westwardsoutherlysouthward
spangspeciallysquare
squarelystaccatostag
statstatesidestatewide
stillstinkingstock-still
stonestraightstraightaway
straightwaystrettostrictly
stringendosubjectsubstantially
Sundaysupersupply
supposedlysuprasure
surelyswellswift
swimminglysynetête-à-tête
tandemtantotenuto
terriblythankfullythat
thatawaythenthence
thenceforththenceforwardthere
thereaboutsthereafterthereat
therebytherefortherefore
therefromthereinthereinafter
thereinbeforethereintothereof
thereonthereoutthereto
theretoforethereunderthereunto
thereupontherewiththerewithal
thickthinthis
thithertho'thoroughly
thoughthricethrough
throughoutThursdaythus
thuslythwarttight
totodaytogether
tomorrowtontongue-in-cheek
tonighttootoo-too
toptopsidetopsy-turvy
treblytroppotruly
Tuesdaytuttitwice
unadvisedlyunawareunawares
uncommonunderunderarm
undercoverunderfootunderground
underneathunderwateruntimely
upupcountryupfield
uphillupmarketuppermost
uprightupriverupscale
upsidesupslopeupstage
upstairsupstreamuptempo
uptownupwardupwind
usuallyverbatimverily
veryvidelicetvirtually
vis-à-visvivaceviz.
wayweaklyWednesday
weeklywellwell-nigh
westwesterlywestward
whateverwhatsoeverwhensoever
whereinwheresoeverwhole
wholesalewhollywiddershins
widewidthwayswilly-nilly
windwardwithershinswithin
withoutwondrouswoomph
worldwideworseworst
wrongyayyearly
yesterdayyetzigzag

The Twelve Essays of Christmas: Ring/Rang/Rung

Almost every english verb 'generates' five forms, so to speak. For example:

1) The bells ring today.
2) The bell rings today.
3) The bells rang yesterday.
4) The bells have rung already.
5) The bells are ringing now.


Except 2 and 5 are always regularly derived (when they exist) from 1 by adding suffixes, so you could be justified in saying there's only three forms. Plus, numbers 3 and 4 are usually just number 1 plus an '-ed'.

But when they're not, it's called an irregular verb.

So, how may irregular verbs are there in english? The answer is: probably about 200, of which about 100 are common, but it depends.

It depends on whether you consider 'underdo' and/or 'overdo' and/or 'redo' to be separate verbs from 'do'. The same for 'spoil' and 'despoil', 'throw' and overthrow'. It depends whether you consider 'dreamed' and 'dreamt' to be equally valid past forms of 'dream'. And the same for 'pleaded' and 'pled'.

What about 'arise/arose/arisen' and 'rise/rose/risen' - are they separate entries in the list, or is the former merely an archaic variation in the latter? Just became some native speakers say 'quitted' or 'knowed', do you include these past forms as viable alternatives to 'quit' and 'knew'?

I've taken two purportedly complete lists of english irregular verbs, plus one which claims to be of the 70 most common, and combined them with my own dubious intuitions. Here's the result.

Column 1 is the 'infinitive' or base form, two is the preterite or past, and three is the past participle or passive participle, according to your preferred nomenclature. The 70 most common are in bold.

arisearosearisen
awakeawokeawoken
bewas/werebeen
bearboreborn/borne
beatbeatbeat/beaten
becomebecamebecome
beginbeganbegun
bendbended/bentbended/bent
besetbesetbeset
betbetted/bet/betted/bet
bidbid/badebid/bidden
bindboundbound
bitebitbitten
bleedbledbled
blowblewblown
breakbrokebroken
breedbredbred
bringbroughtbrought
broadcastbroadcasted/broadcastbroadcasted/broadcast
buildbuilded/builtbuilt
burnburned/burntburned/burnt
burstburst/burstedburst/bursted
buyboughtbought
cancould[been able to]
castcasted/castcasted/cast
catchcaughtcaught
choosechosechosen
clingclungclung
comecamecome
costcostcost
creepcreptcrept
cutcutcut
dealdealed/dealtdealed/dealt
digdugdug
divedived\dove/dived
dodiddone
drawdrewdrawn
dreamdreamed/dreamtdreamed/dreamt
drinkdrankdrunk
drivedrovedriven
eatateeaten
fallfellfallen
feedfedfed
feelfeltfelt
fightfoughtfought
findfoundfound
fitfitfit
fleefledfled
flingflungflung
flyflewflown
forbidforbade\forbadforbidden
foregoforewentforegone
foretellforetoldforetold
forgetforgotforgotten
forgiveforgaveforgiven
forsakeforsookforsaken
freezefrozefrozen
getgotgot/gotten
givegavegiven
gowentbeen/gone
grindgroundground
growgrewgrown
hanghanged/hunghanged/hung
havehadhad
hearheardheard
hidehidhidden
hithithit
holdheldheld
hurthurthurt
keepkeptkept
kneelkneltknelt
knitknitted/knitknitted/knit
knowknewknown
laylaidlaid
leadledled
leapleaped/leaptleaped/leapt
learnlearned/learntlearned/learnt
leaveleftleft
lendlended/lentlended/lent
letletlet
lielaylain
lightlighted/litlighted/lit
loselostlost
makemademade
meanmeantmeant
meetmetmet
misspellmisspelled/misspeltmisspelled/misspelt
mistakemistookmistaken
mowmowedmowed/mown
paypaidpaid
pleadpleaded/pled/pleaded/plead
proveprovedproved/proven
putputput
quitquitquit
readreadread
ridridrid
rideroderidden
ringringed/rangringed/rung
riseroserisen
runranrun
sawsawedsawed/sawn
saysaidsaid
seesawseen
seeksoughtsought
sellsoldsold
sendsentsent
setsetset
sewsewedsewn/sewed
shakeshookshaken
shaveshavedshaved/shaven
shearsheared/shoresheared/shorn
shedshedshed
shineshoneshone
shoeshoed/shodshoed/shod
shootshotshot
showshowedshowed/shown
shrinkshrankshrunk/shrunken
shutshutshut
singsangsung
sinksanksunk
sitsatsat
slayslewslayed/slain
sleepsleptslept
slideslid/slidedslid/slided
slingslungslung
slitslit/slittedslit/slitted
smellsmelt/smelled/smelt/smelled
smitesmotesmitten
sowsowedsowed/sown
speakspokespoken
speedsped/speededsped/speeded
spellspelt/spelled/spelt/spelled
spendspentspent
spillspilt/spilled/spilt/spilled
spinspunspun
spitspatspat
splitsplit/splittedsplit/splitted
spoilspoilt/spoiled/spoilt/spoiled
spreadspread/spreadedspread/spreaded
springsprang/sprungsprung
springsprangsprung
standstoodstood
stealstolestolen
stickstuckstuck
stingstungstung
stinkstankstunk
stridestrodestridden
strikestruckstruck
stringstrungstrung
strivestrovestriven
swearsworesworn
sweepsweptswept
swellswelledswelled/swollen
swimswamswum
swingswungswung
taketooktaken
teachtaughttaught
teartoretorn
telltoldtold
thinkthoughtthought
thrivethrived/throvethrived
throwthrewthrown
thrustthrustthrust
treadtrodtrodden
understandunderstoodunderstood
upholdupheldupheld
upsetupsetupset
wakewokewoken/waked
wakewokewoken
wearworeworn
weaveweaved/woveweaved/woven
wedwedded/wed/wedded/wed
weepweptwept
winwonwon
windwoundwound
withdrawwithdrewwithdrawn
withholdwithheldwithheld
withstandwithstoodwithstood
wringwrungwrung
writewrotewritten



The Twelve Essays of Christmas: For Calling Birds?

If you want to turn a statement into a question, english has a method which is both simple...and slightly mad. And when you look at it more deeply, not quite so simple after all.

There's a small set of special verbs, called auxiliary or 'helping' verbs. And they come in two types. One type is the 'modal' auxiliaries:

cancouldmay
mightmunmust
shallshouldwill
would


'Mun' is the only one you won't know, and it's an archaic version of 'must'.

Now, almost all non-auxiliary verbs come in five 'shapes', like for instance:

eat
eats
ate
eaten
eating


Actually for most verbs the third and forth shapes are the same:

love
loves
loved
loved
loving

...but about 350 verbs are awkward, including around 100 of the most common. We call these 'irregular' verbs, and they include such everyday actions as 'Drive', 'Give', 'Take', 'Go' and 'Think'. They also include verbs you might never use in conversation, like 'Arise', 'Forsake', 'Forgo', 'Stink and 'Weave'.

But the good news is that the second and fifth shapes are always regularly formed. Number 2 is always number 1 plus '-s' and 5 is always 1 plus '-ing'.

Oh yes, and the forth and fifth shapes aren't actually verbs at all - they're called participles, and they're adjectives. Except they can also be nouns, especially the '-ing' one.

Still with me? Well, none of this is true for the auxiliary verbs.

They have no second ('-s') form. They have no forth or fifth form, so words like 'maying' and 'woulded' don't exist. Three of them (can, will and shall) have third forms for the past tense , but these past forms (could, would and should) also have other meanings of their own - which is why they're listed as separate words.

The other three (may, might, must) have no past tense forms at all, so if you want to shift a sentence like "They might go home" into the past...you can't. You have to say something like "It's possible that they went home".

Another strange thing about modals - they have to be the first verb in a sentence. And that means each sentence can only have one of them, because only one can be first. So sentences like "We might should read more" or "He needed to can speak", aren't allowed.

Oh yes, and you know how you put the word 'to' between verbs if there's more than one of them in a sentence? So you can say things like "She wants to start to learn to drive"? Well you don't put 'to' after a modal verb. Which gives you for instace, "She can start to learn to drive".

Now. There are three non-modal auxiliary verbs. And just to be annoying, they also have separate meanings as perfectly ordinary verbs too.

bedohave

'Be' is awkward, in that instead of five forms, it's got eight - be, is, am, are, was, were, been, being - and you only get the first one when it isn't the first verb in a sentence. 'Have' has the extra form 'has', used only when the subject noun of a sentence is third-person and singular. And 'do' is the only verb I know of that has an irregular second form - 'does' instead of 'dos'.

Do you remember, way back at the beginning of this essay, I said something about turning statements into questions?

Well, if your statement has an auxiliary verb (modal or non-modal), you turn it into a statement by transposing it with the subject clause.

"I can see you" becomes "Can I see you?". From "People like us will never see his like again" we get "Will people like us never see his like again?".

And "The third kangaroo from the left with the purple hat might possibly be a reincarnation of the emporer's favorite cat, Henry" becomes...."Might he third kangaroo from the left with the purple hat possibly be a reincarnation of the emporer's favorite cat, Henry?"

Which just leaves one small problem. What happens if your statement doesn't have one of these special auxiliary verb things? How can I make a question out of "You love it really"?

Answer...insert an auxilary verb so you can then transpose it! Specifically, insert 'Do'.

"You love it really" becomes "You do love it really", which becomes "Do you love it really?"

As a special extra added bonus, seeing as I'm about to go away for a week's holiday so might not post everyday...some ordinary verbs which aren't auxiliary...but are a bit like them.

They're often called semi-modals, but I'd prefer to call them pseudo-modals.

'Dare' doesn't always separate from other verbs with 'to' - "He dares do things others dare not".

And there's 'ought'. Which can form questions by inversion - "Ought I?" - and only has one form. You can't say "It oughts to be dark by now", or "She's oughting" or "It was always oughted".

It's also the only non-auxiliary verb I know which doesn't have a past form. To put "We ought to go" into the past, you need a different verb, maybe "We had to go".

The next time someone tells you english is a simple, logical language, just point them to this essay.

The Twelve Essays of Christmas: TFH

What's an abbreviation? It's the short version of a word or phrase.

It's the initial letters of a phrase, like 'AC/DC' (Alternating Current / Direct Current), or 'AKA' (Also Known As). Or nearly initial letters, as in 'XHTML' (Extended Hyper-Text Markup Language).

Except sometimes it's the initial few letters, as in 'PhD' (Doctor of Philosophy). And the letters don't even have to be next to each other, as in 'AWoL' (Absent Without Leave).

And except where it's the initial few letters of a single word, as in 'temp' for 'temporary' or 'temperature', or 'app' for 'application'.

Sometimes it can be pronounced as a word, as in laser (Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation) or snafu (Situation Normal - All Fucked Up), in which case we call it an acronym.

And it can be an english acronym even if the original words aren't in english. Gestapo is Geheime Staat Polizei - Homeland State Police). The cable that's probably connected to your digital TV receiver box is a scart (or SCART) cable, and that's a french acronym (Syndicat des Constructeurs d'Appareils Radiorécepteurs et Téléviseurs). I've worked in video, and with experts in video, and most them had no idea what the letters stood for, or indeed that it wasn't for something in english. Nor did they need to know it to use the hardware.

'Mr' is the abbreviation of 'Mister'. But 'Ms' is the abbreviation of...erm, actually 'Ms' is an abbeviation without a full version. Which is a bit odd. Maybe the theoretical full version would be 'Mizzis'? And aren't these actually contractions and not abbreviations at all?

So what's the difference between an abbreviation and a contraction?

According to the experts at the Oxford English Dictionary (abbreviation: OED), a contraction is a word like 'Can't' or 'Shouldn't', created by dropping sounds or letters from a phrase, and indicating the omission by putting an apostrophe where they used to be.

Abbreviations OTOH (On The Other Hand) are single words created by mashing together multiple words, or short words created by chopping the beginnings and/or endings off longer words.

So...erm, what's the difference between an abbreviation and a contraction? They even list 're and 've (as in 'We're' and 'We've') as abbreviations, when I'd list them as bound-morphemes derived from auxiliary verbs. Or...possibly something else.

But I can definitely tell you that abbreviations are nouns or adjectives - except when they're not. And contractions are not nouns or adjectives - except when they are.

If you've got a better definition, please let me know. In the meantime, here are the 1959 words listed as Abbreviation in the COED. Which isn't listed as an abbreviation in the COED.

'm're've4to4WD
8voa.e.t.a.m.a/cA/D
ABCABHABMAbpABS
ABTAABVACACASACL
ACLUACTACTHACWAD
ADCADFADHADHDAdj.
AdjtAdm.ADNADPADSL
ADTadvtAEAAEEUaet.
AFAFCAFLAFL-CIOAFM
AgAGCAGMAGRAH
AHAAIAIDAIHAIM
AKakaALAla.Alas.
ALPAltaALUAMAmex
AMRAAMamuANCANDanon.
ANSANSIAOBAOCAPB
APCAPECAPIApoc.Apocr.
app.approx.APRApr.AR
ARAARCarcosarcsinarctan
Ariz.Ark.ARParr.AS
ASAasapASCIIASEANASH
ASIASICASLASLEFASM
ASPAssoc.ASSRAsstAST
ASVATBATCATFATM
ATOLATPAttyATVAU
AUCAug.AUSAUTAV
Ave.AWACSAWSAZAZT
bb.f.b.h.p.b/wB2
B2BB2CBABAeBAFTA
BAORBar.BartBBCbbl.
BBQBBSBCbccBCD
BCEBCGBDBdeBdr
BDSBEBEdBeds.BEF
BEMBEngBerks.BeVBFPO
BGBGHBHbiBIS
bkBLBLittBMBMA
BMIBMRBMusbnBNP
BOBODbot.bpBPC
BPHBPhilbpibpmbps
BqBRBr.Brig.BRN
BRUBSBScBSEBSI
BSLBSTBTBtuBTW
Bucks.BUPABURBVMBWR
BYOBcC.-in-C.c.f.c.i.f.
c.w.o.c/-c/oc/sC2
C2CcaCAACABCAD
CADCAMCAECaerns.CAFCAI
calCal.Calif.CAMCambs.
Can.Cant.Cantab.CAPcap.
capsCapt.Card.CARICOMCAT
Cath.CATVCBCBCCBE
CBICBSCCCCDCCJ
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CDCCDNcDNACdrCdre
CDTCDVCECEngcent.
CEOCERNcert.CertEdCET
CFcf.CFCCFECFS
CGCGICGSCGTCH
ch.chap.ChasChBCHD
Ches.ChMCHPChr.Chron.
CICIACIDCIOCITES
CJCJDclCLitCllr
CMCm.Cmd.CmdrCmdre
CMGCmnd.CMVCNAACND
CNGCNNCNSCOCo.
CODCol.Colo.COMINTcomp
ConConn.Cons.Const.cont.
COPDCor.CORECorp.cos
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cresc.CRTCSCSACSE
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CVTCWOcwt.CYd
D/AD2DADABDAC
Dak.daldamDan.DAT
dBDBEDBMSDBSDC
DCBDCCDCLDCMDCMG
DCVODDDDIDDosDDR
DDTDEDEADec.DEFRA
deg.Del.Dem.dep.Dept
Deut.DEWDFCDFEDfES
DflDFMDGDHSSDHT
DIdia.DILdim.DIMM
DIPDip.DipADDipEdDipHE
divDiv.DJDKdkl
dkmDLDLittDLLDM
DMADMDDMsdmuDMus
DMVDMZDNBDNRDNS
do.DOAdocDODDoE
DoHDOIdol.DOSDoT
doz.DPdpcDPhildpi
dpmDPPDPTDrdr.
DRAMDSDScDSLDSM
DSODSPDSSDTDDTI
DTPDUIDVDVDDVD-R
DVD-ROMDVD-RWDVLADWPdwt
DYdynDZe.g.e.p.
E2ea.EAKEATEAU
EBDEBRDEBVECECB
Eccles.EcclusECGECMECSC
ECTed.EDIednEDP
EDTEdw.EECEEGEFA
EFLEFTAEFTPOSEGMELF
ELTEMFEMGEMSEMU
enc.encl.ENEENGENT
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Eph.EPIRBEPNSEPOEPOS
EPSEPSRCEQERERM
ESESAESCEsd.ESE
ESLESNESOLESPesp.
Esq.ESRESRCESTest.
Esth.ETETAetc.ETH
EUEuratomeVEVAEx.
Exod.exorexpext.Ezek.
ff.o.b.f.o.r.f.w.d.F2
FAFAAFahr.FAOFAQ
FASFBAFBIFCFCC
FCOFDFDAFDDIFE
Feb.FETffff.FHSA
FIFAFIFOfig.FLfl.
Flaflor.FMFMVFO
fo.FOAFFoEfol.forex
fpFPAFPSFPUFr
fr.Fri.FRSFSFSA
FSHFtFTCFTPfur.
fwdFXFYFYIG
gG2GAGa.GABA
gal.gall.GAOGBGBA
GBEGBGGBHGBJGBM
GbyteGBZGCGCAGCB
GCEGCHQGCMGGCSEGCVO
GdnsGDPGDRGen.Geo.
GeVGGGHGHBGHQ
GHzGIGOGISGLAGlam.
GLCGlos.gmGMOGMS
GMTGMWUgnGNPGnr
gnsGNVQGOCGOPgov.
govtGPgphGPIgpm
GPOGPRSGPSGRgr.
GRPgrtgsgsmGSOH
GSRGSTGtGUIGUM
GUYGyhh.p.H2
HAARTHab.Hag.HantsHB
HBMHCHCFHDDHDL
HDTVHEHeb.Herts.HEW
HFHFCHGHGHHGV
HHhh.hhdHIHIH
HIMHIVHKHKJhl
hmHMGHMIHMSHMSO
HNCHNDHonHos.HPV
HQhrHRHhrsHRT
HSHHSTHTHTTPHWM
HzII.Biol.I.Chem.E.i.e.
i.h.p.I.Mech.E.I.Min.E.I.Mun.E.i/c
I/OI3IAIAEAIATA
IBIBAIBFIBMIBRD
IBSICICAOICBMICC
ICEICIICTICUID
id.IDAIDEIEEIEEE
IFIFCIFRIgIHS
ILIll.ILOILPILS
IMAPIMFIMHOIMOIMP
INin.Inc.incl.IND
Ind.INFINLAINRIINS
inst.Inst.P.int.inter.IOC
IOMIOWIPIPAIPO
IPRIQIRIRAIRBM
IRCIRLIROIRQIRS
ISIs.ISAISBNISDN
ISOISPISSNISVIT
ITAital.ITCITNITU
ITVIUIUDIUPACIV
IVFIWCIWWJ2Jam.
Jan.Jas.JATOJCLJCR
JCSJer.JETJITJn
JnrJon.Jos.Josh.JP
JrJud.Judg.Jul.Jun.
JunrkK2Kan.Kans.
KANUkbKBEKbpskbyte
KCkc/skcalKCBKCMG
KCVOKEkeVKGKgs
kHzkJKKKklkm
km/hkn.KntKO1KS
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KWICKWTKyll.c.
l.h.L2LALaLab
LACLACWLam.LANLancs.
LAOLARlat.lbLBDR
LBOlbwLCCLCDLCM
LCPLLDLDCLdgLDL
LDSLELEALEDLeics.
Lev.LFLGVLHLHD
LILib.LIBORLieut.LIFO
Lincs.LittDLJLk.ll.
LLBLLDLLMLMLMS
LMTlnLNBLNGlong.
LPLPGLPOLSLSB
LSELSOLtLTALtd
LTPLVOLWLWBLWM
lxmm.m.f.m.p.M2
MAMacc.MAFFMaj.MAL
Mal.Man.Manit.Mar.Mass.
Matt.maxMBMBAMBE
MBOMbpsMbyteMcMC
MCBMCCmcgMChmCi
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MEXmfMFHmgMgr
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MISmisc.Miss.MITMk
mksMktmlMLAMLC
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The Twelve Essays of Christmas: Plural Doves

Some nouns usually occur in the plural form.

Scissors and trousers are the obvious examples, but the COED lists 598.

There's no logical reason why you can't use any of these words in the singular, but aside from a gay pride march, when have you ever worn one trunk? Is the smallest unit of greeting one felicitaion? If your room is only slightly messy, is that a shamble? How cold are you if you have a solitary goosebump? What kind of surgery can a doctor do with one forcep? So far in this country I haven't got up to a single shenanigan, or had just one operatic.

So welcome to my ephemerum, which required just one cojone to make, and is best seen through a binocular. 598 plural nouns.

abdabsackersacrobatics
adenoidsadnexaaerobatics
aerobicsaerodynamicsaeronautics
aestheticsAfricanaafterpains
aftersagnolottiairwaves
Albigensesalexandersalms
amarettiamendsAmericana
Amishanalectsanimatronics
annalsannatesanthropophagi
anticsAntipodesApocrypha
apologeticsaquarobicsarcana
archaeaarchaebacteriaarisings
armsarrearsastronautics
astrophysicsathleticsatmospherics
avionicsBacchanaliabackblocks
backstairsbackwoodsbadlands
Bagandaballisticsballocks
bannsbarracksBasotho
battelsbedclothesbeestings
Belgaebellbelles
bellowsbelongingsbibliometrics
bilboesbilliardsbinoculars
biodatabiodynamicsbioenergetics
bioethicsbioinformaticsbiomechanics
bionomicsbiophysicsbiosolids
biosystematicsbiscottiblandishments
bliniblinksbliny
bloomersbluchersblues
bollocksboondocksboonies
bowlsbranksbreeches
breeksbriefsbristols
Brosbuckyballsbuckytubes
bumsterscahootscalamari
calendscalisthenicsCallanetics
callisthenicscamiknickerscannelloni
cantharidescapellinicappelletti
castanetscattlechaparajos
chapschaussesChilopoda
chitterlingschiveschops
chromodynamicschuddieschuridars
circscivicscladistics
clamdiggersclaspersclaves
cleaverscliometricsclothes
coccidiacognoscenticojones
collywobblescombinatoricscommons
congratsConsolscornflakes
cornrowscrapscrenellations
criminalisticscrosstreescrostini
cruditéscryogenicscryonics
culottesculturaticuriosa
customscyanobacteriacybernetics
cytogeneticsdaksdarbies
dartsdermatoglyphicsdeserts
Dianeticsdibsdietetics
digeratidiggingsdigs
dioptricsdogmaticsdoldrums
dramaticsdreadlocksdregs
droppingsDTsduckboards
dumpsdynamicsearmuffs
earningseavesEbonics
econometricseconomicseights
ejectaelectroelectrodynamics
electronicselevensesenergetics
entrailsenvironsephemera
equitesergonomicserotica
esotericaestoversethics
eubacteriaeugenicsEumenides
eurhythmicseurythmicsevens
exequiesexoticaexuviae
facetiaefaecesfajitas
falsiesfantodsfarfalle
fascesfaucesfedayeen
felicitationsfelloesfettuccine
fidayeenfilingsfisherfolk
fisticuffsfivesfleshpots
flewsflindersfluidics
folkfolkwaysfomites
footlightsforcepsforequarters
fritesfryfusilli
galligaskinsgallowsgalluses
gasworksgeneticsgenitalia
genomicsgentlefolkgeophysics
geotechnicsgeriatricsgiblets
glandersglassesgleanings
glitteratignashersgnocchi
goingsgoodsgoosebumps
goujonsgraffitigraphics
grissinigritsgroats
groutsgubbinsgymnastics
habdabshachuresHagiographa
haltereshameshave
heebiehindquartership
hivesholshousewares
hunkershydraulicshydrodynamics
hydromagneticshydromechanicshydroponics
Iceniidesilluminati
imaginingsimpedimentaindicia
informaticsinnardsisagogics
isometricsjeansjim
jodhpursJonesesjuvenilia
kalendskeckskeftedes
kinematicskinesicskinetics
kinfolkkinsfolkknickers
kreplachkrillkuccha
lamb'slapillilares
lashingsleavingslederhosen
leesleggingsLepidoptera
lightslinguinelinguistics
linksliteratilogistics
loonsMaccabeesmacroeconomics
macrolepidopteramagnetohydrodynamicsmanes
marginaliamarriedmathematics
mathsmeansmeasles
mechanicsmechatronicsmegabucks
memorabiliamenfolkmeninges
mensesmetalinguisticsmetaphysics
microeconomicsmicroelectronicsmicroglia
microlepidopteramicrophysicsmilitaria
minutiaemiscellaneamnemonics
Modsmoletronicsmoneybags
monkeyshinesmorbillimores
morphemicsmorphometricsmujahedin
mumpsmunchiesmuniments
munitionmustachiosnares
natesneurolinguisticsnightclothes
ninepinsnonesnoughties
nucleonicsnumblesnumismatics
obsequiesoddsoff
oligodendrogliaonomasticsoodles
operaticsopticsoptoelectronics
orecchietteorientaliaorthodontics
orthopaedicsorthopticsorthotics
ortsotakuoutskirts
overtrouserspaediatricspajamas
pantalettespantiespantihose
pantspantyhosepappardelle
paralipomenaParalympicsparatroops
paringspataphysicspayess
peasepediatricspenates
penetraliapennepeople
periodonticsperogipersonnel
pharmacodynamicspharmacogenomicspharmacokinetics
phoneticsphonicsphotovoltaics
physicspickingspierogi
pilliwinkspiroshkiplaudits
plierspneumaticspoetics
politicsporcinipragmatics
premisesproceedingsproceeds
prostheticsproteomicsproxemics
pseudepigraphapsypsychodynamics
psychographicspsycholinguisticspsychometrics
psychophysicspsychotronicspyjamas
pyrotechnicsracketsradionics
ramenramsonsratlines
raviolirectricesregalia
regimentalsreliquiaeremains
remigesreprographicsrheumatics
richesrigatonirillettes
roboticsrompersrounders
salopettesSamisastrugi
scadsscantyschlieren
scissorssecateurssedilia
semanticssemisemiotics
separateshamblesshears
shenanigansshinglesshorts
Siksikaskunkworkssmithereens
soapsudssociolinguisticssonics
spätzlespaetzlespaghetti
spaghettinispecsspectacles
spindlespondulickssquitters
staggersstaticsstatistics
statssteelworksstemmatics
sternsheetsstoviesstrangles
stylisticssubtropicssuds
sunglassessupersonicssurroundings
sweatpantssystematicstagliatelle
talariatapastectonics
tectonophysicstectricesteens
tefillintelecomstelematics
telesalesTenebraetennies
teraphimthankstherapeutics
thermaethermodynamicsthinnings
throestidingstights
timpanitinsnipstoiletries
toilstongstoreutics
tortellitownspeopletracasseries
tradespeopletrapstrews
triviatrouserstrunks
tsitzittweezerstympani
ultrasonicsumblesunderclothes
underpantsundershortsunderthings
undiesvermicellivibrissae
Victorianavideographicsviscera
viversWaldenseswaterfowl
waterworksWAVESweeds
weejunswildfowlwillies
wimminwitherswomenfolk
womynworkpeopleY-fronts
yawsyipsyonks
ziti

The Twelve Essays of Christmas: Partridge!

Most of what I learned about grammar in school was wrong.

English doesn't have a true infinitive, and even if it did, there'd be nothing wrong in splitting it.

There are not exactly eight types of word - the number of categories depends on the system of categorisation. Obviously.

English doesn't have three tenses referring to time - namely past, present and future. Tense is a grammatical category, while 'timeframe' is a semantic one. We use the so-called 'present tense' to refer to plans for the future, as in "We leave tomorrow", and we use the so-called 'past tense' to refer to things which aren't the case in the present, as in "If I knew, I'd say".

And by the way, there's only two tenses.

It's not true that every sentence needs a verb. Sentences like "Wow!" and "Well, yes and no" are definitely verbless, and we have a vaguely defined category of words which occur in verbless utterances. We call them exclamations, or interjections, and the Concise Oxford English Dictionary contains 297 of them.

Now wouldn't it be useful to have a list of all the exclamations in the COED? And indeed all the pronouns, verbs, 'determiners' and so on? Well, it might be useful to me, and it might even be interesting to you.

I've spent the last few days extracting words and their categories from the COED (11th edition). The book has 28 'types' of word, and I'll be going through them. Time, personal energy, internet access and upcoming holidays permitting.

So, in no particular order other than alphabetical, here are the 297 interjections, exclamations and sententially verbless utterances.

abracadabraadieuadios
affirmativeahaha
ahemahoyalack
alleluiaalleyaloha
alrightamenarrividerci
attaboyavastavaunt
aveaway
ayebahbam
bancobanzaibedad
begadbegonebegorra
bejabersbejesusbingo
bismillahblastblimey
boboingboo
boohoobotherbow
boybravobrother
brrrbyebye
capeeshcarambacave
charmedcharmingcheck
cheeriocheerschin
chopChristciao
confoundcoocor
crikeycripescroeso
crumbsdammitdamn
damnationdangdash
deardiddumsdoh
dratduheasy
eeeekegad
ehencoreer
eurekaarewellfaugh
fielipfloreat
foreudgegad
gadzooksgangwayGawd
geegeeGeez
Geronimogesundheitgiddy
GodGodspeedgolly
goodgoodbyegoodness
goodnightgoodygosh
gotchagraciousha
hahhailhallelujah
hallohalloohang
heaveheckheel
heighheighhell
hellohelphem
hereheyhi
hichiphist
hiyahmmho
hohoicksholla
hoorayhootshow
howdyhowzathoy
huhhullohum
humphhurrahhushaby
huzzanshallaheepers
JeezJesusings
awksoook
orordLordy
ummemanmarry
mercymushnight
nitnonope
Oochochone
ohohoohone
oiOKokey
oléoohoops
oopsouchow
oyoyezpah
pardonpaxpeccavi
phewphutphwoah
pishpoopoof
poohpoufpow
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In the beginning...

The world ended recently.

Or more accurately, a calendar ran out of days, and people got confused between actual days and the numbers used to count them. They thought running out of numbers meant running out of days, which is like thinking your room can't be longer than your tape measure.

It's nearly christmas, except here it isn't. In spite of the fact that several muslims have wished me a happy christmas.

Today is the 23rd of December 2012, except here it's the 10th of Safar 1434. Except there are at least ten institutions which calculate the lunar day of the islamic month, based on the 'interesting' method of looking through a telescope every night and trying to see 24 hours into the future to know whether the next time you look...the moon crescent will seem any thinner or not.

If tomorrow it won't, today is the first day of the month. And some people aren't any better at astronomy than they are at prophecy, so according to some, it's the 9th. This isn't just a problem for practical purposes of timetabling events and holidays, or the pretend-practical purposes of calculating which minute god wants you to start telling him how wonderful he is.

No, there's a psychological aspect of needing to know what day it 'really' is, even if it's only 'real' in one country - which by the way is defined by a line on a map which we pretend is the world.

This kind of thing happens a lot. Treating the symbol as the thing, the word as the reality, the syllabus as the subject.

In fact I think it's the main problem in human thinking. Following the spirit of the law is one thing, trying to reinterpret the word of the law and/or observations of reality until they match is another - but guess which is the job of the lawyer. How many of us feel we understand a phenomenon better just by having a word for it?

The word 'schizophrenia' refers to a loose collection of behaviors defined not by the internal states of the sufferer, but by which cultural taboos, habbits, power structures and conveniences they violate. It's no accident that different cultures have different ideas about what constitutes mental illness. But how do we 'explain' the behaviors? We speak as though they're caused by something called 'schizophrenia'.

If you have a phobia, the chances are the mention of the word which refers to the object of fear will trigger the fear. Saying the name of someone you love can be a comfort, as though holding on to the word were a way of holding the person. Speak of the devil and he shall appear, recite a prayer and you're protected. Somehow saying 'thank you' is more real than being grateful, even when the thanks is a lie.

This pattern of reification is obviously a problem, but I think it's a consequence of the ability to make symbols at all. A symbol stands in the place of the thing - whether or not the thing exists. And when we make plans, ask questions, and construct theories, we're moving symbols around.

The price of the ability to think, is the ability to think badly, and that includes treating words as deeds, and vice versa. "En Arche Ein Ho Logos" - "In the beginning was the word" - as we said in seminary.

But I might be wrong, because the categories of 'word' and 'deed' are only separate in the system of symbols I'm using.