Yes, there's a theme to this post.

There's a whining dog on my bed.

The reason he's on my bed is to keep him separate from the bitch downstairs, who's in heat and sending out pheromones like a perfume factory.

The reason he's whining is...he's being kept separate etc.

Sadie, the shady lady in question, is seven months old, and timidly baffled by all the bounding and barking attention she's suddenly getting from the boy dogs.

Estrus is the period of two to six weeks when a female dog wafts out lots of sexy chemicals from her rear end. The same word is used to refer to her period of fertility. And it's also used to refer to the period when all she can think about is chasing the boys.

Unfortunately, these three periods are not the same thing. They're only approximately synchronised, and of variable lengths. Result: Up to six weeks of whining frantic mutts and bitches that may - or may not - suddenly go the same way.

The thing about breeding dogs isn't how to get them to do it. It's how to live with them when you won't let them.

On Friday night I had sex. We lay on the floor for an hour till we both got jawache - standard stuff.

On Saturday night he sent me a cheery message - and a picture of his pecker. No, I'm not going to show you. If you want smutty pictures, scroll down to the next section.

The gist of the message was, "My willy's got these weird red splotches on it. Isn't that funny? LOL!"

Oh Christ, thinks me. Just what I really frelling need. Either he's given me something red and nasty in my mouth, or my mouth's given it to him, and he doesn't even realise.

And the moral of the story is: Don't suck off morons. Only give gobjobs to knobs of smart yobs.

Well, it turned out not to be VD - just good old fashioned friction burns and nothing to do with me at all. Which was...erm, nice.

I blew breathed a sigh of relief.

I know what you're thinking. Kapitano's all talk and no action. Show us some sex!

Okay, I will. Here's a selection of stills from the 1981 erotic historical flick - and I do mean flick - The Centurians of Rome. With annotations. And I hope you're ready.

Can't you just taste the high production values?

This isn't just a video to wank to. It's got emotional depth. It's got plot. It's got a ten minute opening scene of ancient Britons telling each other how hard (fnarr) life is since the Romans came (fnarr) and invaded (fnarr).

See? Romans.

The imperialist pigs kidnap our hero, to sell him into a life of hellish slavery.

But there's two sides to every story. The Romans brought civilisation you know. And the art of ten minutes conversations about it.

Sometimes the pleasure is just in looking. And looking.

Local colour at the (meat) market.

The public don't know a bargain when they see one.

I'm getting an intertextual flavour of religions symbolism. Not sure why.

Did you ever see Caligula?

Let's talk about politics.

I need to talk about how I feel about being in this movie.

Yes! I'm an effete and corrupt Roman with a pervy taste for manflesh! Mmmm! Yes, I saw John Hurt in I, Claudius too!

What's a really good freeze-frame to end the movie on?

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