My Alphabet

I've tried several times to write about what's happening with B and me. But what it comes down to is:

We're chatting over skype instant messaging, and occasionally on the phone. I'm glad we spent those few days together, I get happy when I remember them, I get a little sad that we're apart, and there's a feeling that I can only describe as "romantic".

I fully intend to seem him again sometime soon, with no preconceived obligation on his part or mine, but with hope.

With D - my last significant relationship, nearly a decade ago - I was on an insane emotional rollercoaster, and quite prepared to drop everything to go and live with him. He dumped me, and he was right.

Then he found the man of his dreams. Hah.

With M I was on the rebound from D. Not helped by him constantly saying he wanted to be friends and there was no pressure to take it further. Followed by lots of pressure.

With H, we were good friends who several times stumbled into being bad lovers. I'm not sure how many times we had the "about last night" conversation. It went:

H: Last night was interesting.
Kap: Um, yes. but...
H: I'm hopeless at relationships, and too busy anyway.
Kap: Me too. I'm glad you said it.
H: See you again soon?
K: Love to.

It was H who suggested I'd make a good teacher. S said the same thing. Unfortunately S was a hopeless alcoholic and I was stupid enough to think I could cure him. Which is possibly the worst possible reason to be someone's boyfriend. Apart from staying with someone because they've decided they've fallen in love with you - which is the other incredibly dumb reason I was with S.

R was a good man, but he got confused between "being lonely" and "being in love". I got confused between "being wanted" and "wanting".

With P, our roles were the other way around.

I haven't run out of letters of the alphabet yet. C wanted an old-fashioned courtship, but not an actual relationship. Looking back, I've no idea what I wanted.

J always insisted that he was straight....but bi-curious. He just never stopped being passionately curious.

And my very first relationship, at age 19 with a couple, 10 years older. I ended that one, because I genuinely thought it was getting "too serious" and I didn't want to put their relationship in danger. I think I was not a very modest 19 year old.

Anyway, the point is: I've absolutely no idea what the B story will be, except that it won't be like any of these.


  1. "I've absolutely no idea what the B story will be, except that it won't be like any of these."
    It won't my Captain. I promise you

  2. All my relationships seem to end, not with a bang (which at least would leave me with a smile on my face), but with a whimper.

    May fortune smile upon your hope Kap.