100 Things about Kapitano, Part 5: Things I Like, but Shouldn't

21) Crappy Sci-Fi Serials

Earth: Final Conflict. Most shows have a shaky first season, then get better, then get stale and cancelled. This one started off smart, intriguing and even believable...then got a new lead, new writers, and new budget for the second season, and became the biggest pile of aimless dren ever to lose its entire fanbase.

Enterprise. Trekkies are a loyal bunch, but even they (we, cough) gave up on this one. A thuggish captain leading a forgettable crew through a galaxy composed entirely of hostile, fanatical foreigners alien species.

Even when it tried to be intelligent and right on - with the deeply hamfisted AIDS allegory - it shot itself royally in the foot by portraying metaphorical AIDS victims as metaphorical gay sex fiends who brought it upon themselves.

Andromeda. Imagine Firefly, and subtract everything that made Firefly worth watching. The same cast of strong leader (Hunt/Malcom), kickboxing pseudo-girlfriend (Rommie/Zoe), psychopathic strongman (Tyr/Jayne), wimpy geek (Haper/Hoban) and mysterious outsider (Trance/Book), but with no clear plot, no deep characterisation, dialogue that only thinks it's smart and snappy and the the same politics of liberal imperialism that blight nearly all TV sci-fi from Buck Rogers to Babylon 5.

22) Cheesy pseudo-cyberpunk synthpop bands

S.P.O.C.K sing about Star Trek. They've got titles like "Mr Spock's Brain", "Charlie X" and "Never Trust a Klingon", which features lyrics like:

"With their cloaking device they remain invisible
until the time has come
To appear right ahead of us
and obliterate everyone"

23) "Straight" men.

Men who are completely and utterly heterosexual...but have gay sex because "My girlfriend doesn't understand me" or "I just want to try it for a laugh". Men who feel it's really important to tell you they're thinking about women while you twist their nipples. Men who's idea of plausible deniability is the sexual equivalent of "The dog ate my homework".

Men who are not supposed to say things like this;

  • "I thought we could try a sixty nine."
  • In response to "Do you want me to suck your cock instead?" - "No thanks, I'm good here."
  • "Do you want to fuck my mouth?"
  • "That's good. Harder."
  • "Wank hard. It turns me on."

  • 24) Incredibly Stupid People on the Internet

    This fellow reckons he's got a cure for all psychiatric disorders, that also eliminates "birth trauma" and resets dislocated joints. And it is...to slap someone's head so hard they lose consciousness.

    Schemefighter is a youtube poster with a political theory. See if you can figure out what it is from these quotes.

  • "You fascist liberals are in cahoots with big business like Webster dictionary."
  • "You fascist liberals fought against civil rights."
  • "The Liberals used terrorism, such as firebombing, slashing tires, death threats, like they did against the soldiers at Berkeley, or to try to steal elections, or to advance their big Brother global warming tax agenda."
  • "Bush is a watered down conservative, McCain even more so."
  • "You fascist liberals are cleverly disguised anti-Semites."
  • "You fascist liberals are neo-Nazis."

  • 25) Porn with Faintly Disturbing Titles

    Straight porn tend to be, well, straight to the point.

  • She's Got Big Boobs
  • Psycho Bitches from Hell
  • This Ain't the Partridge Family
  • Scent of Mom
  • Phatty Girls
  • I Fucked my Daughter's Best Friend 3
  • Lesbian Psycho Roommates
  • Revenge of a Motorcycle Mama
  • Anal Apocalypse
  • Mixed Meat Sandwich
  • Annie Sprinkle the Original Squirter
  • I Spit on Your Corpse
  • Super Slurpy
  • Girls Who Love Big White Cocks 3
  • Captain Lust and the Pirate Woman
  • Wadds of Johnny
  • Soft Places
  • English Spanking Classic (Vol 29)

  • Gay stuff is slightly wittier:

  • Money For Nuttin'
  • Go Fuck Yourself
  • Anal Abyss
  • Pissing Around
  • Piss Police
  • My Dad Loves Black Cock (Vol 3)
  • Monsterballs
  • Breed My Raw Hole
  • Sucking Freakin' Huge Monster Cocks
  • Bro-Mancing the Bone
  • The Gay Team
  • Chateau d'Lust

  • But titlewise, bi is best:

  • Blow Bi Blow
  • Wanna Fuck My Wife Gotta Fuck Me Too
  • Bi Pole Her (vol 4)
  • Best Bi Far
  • Down Bi Law
  • Bi Bi Love 2
  • Fine Bi Me 2
  • Bi N Sell
  • Bi Accident 3
  • Bi Racial
  • Good Bi Lover
  • Bi The Way 3
  • Bi Bi American Pie (vol 16)
  • The Bi Linguist

  • ...and my particular favourite:

  • Bi Now, Gay Later


    1. *makes note of DVD titles for future movie nights*

    2. I agree, Earth Final Conflict was horrible after the first season. The last season bore little resemblance to the first.

    3. Ha! That last title is funny! That should be on a T shirt! And a plot twist like that could've spiced up Enterprise! Though I still enjoyed it!

    4. Loved the first season of Earth: Final Conflict, but gave up on it about halfway through the second season.

      Never seen Enterprise. Have the feeling I didn't miss much.

      You did a good job summing up Andromeda. It might have been interesting if they'd actually bothered to come up with a real plot and original characters.

      BTW I'm glad I'm not on your list of "Incredibly Stupid People on the Internet." :-)

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