My Public Need Me

Sometimes I think there's no point planning ahead. Because whatever your plans are at 9am, circumstances will have transformed them completely by midday. Twice.

I was going to spend Monday researching how to optimise Windows XP for audio processing. Then I got a panicked call from one of the students I'm helping make short films.

The raw footage I shot plays perfectly on Windows Media Player, but the super-duper GBP7000 professional edit suite doesn't recognise the MPG format. So can I think of something please. Because the film has to be finished by tomorrow at the latest.

So I spent the morning improvising a tutorial on Adobe Premiere, and the afternoon improvising one on Audition for the other student.

---

Tuesday was the first day of the pointless jobseeker course, which was on balance slightly less pointless than expected.

The first three hours were spent filling out forms and being told all the things the law requires we be told - health and safety, grievance and disciplinary procedures, our rights and obligations.

Then a break for lunch, which involved being pushed out of the building and given three pounds to spend in the shops. I had a kid's portion of fish and chips. And then spent the remaining 50 minutes pretending to browse the charity shops.

Then in the afternoon another three hours, being told about the dire employment situation. By a man almost incapable of varying his voice or giving examples.

However, I did learn a few facts.

* The national average for unemployment is 4.4%, though Of course that's really just those people on the official unemployment register, as opposed to those who have no job but are classified differently, and those on these courses.

Most of the county is actually below the 4.4% mark - but my home town isn't. We've got 6.2%. And given that most of the major employers are relocating out of Portsmouth, it's going to get higher.

* The cost of living in Portsmouth is 105% of the national average. And the average wage is 85% of the national. So in effect we're about one fifth worse off than Mr Average.

* 80% of employers now expect an absolute minimum of a "Level 2" formal education in a relevant area from each employee. That's roughly two A-Levels, or one HNC, one NVQ 2, or one third of a degree.

I'm a bit dubious about these equivalences, but it's true that to do even so-called "elementary level" work - truck driving, building work, catering etc - you need qualifications in IT, health and safety, literacy and numeracy. On top of those relevant to the job.

Oh, and at least two years experience as well, which you presumably get by lying to the the employer. Tell him you've got the experience, and two years later you do.

So, how do you get these qualifications? Well, you pay to attend a one or two year course (or two of them), and collect a piece of paper at the end. How do you pay, without a job? Well...that's not their problem.

And anyway, access to and funding of higher education is shrinking faster than the ice caps. Unless you want to learn aromatherapy or cake icing, Those courses are flourishing.

But let's say you get the formal qualifications, and the job. Whilst in the job, you're expected to take more courses, in your own time, at your own expense. In effect to train yourself so the employer doesn't have to.

But not to worry, because on Tuesday we learn how to lay out a CV.

---

There was a call when I got home. Outlook Express has just lost several thousand emails. Can I get them back please.