Thing 3: Big Boy

Yes, I'm still here.

It's just that I've spent the last two months failing to do a lot of things. Failing to find work, failing to get support from the government, failing to master video editing software, and failing to make any more music.

I succeeded in writing some short horror stories...that failed to horrify anyone.

And so...another failure....

Allow me to introduce: My boyfriend.

I do have friends-with-benefits (and indeed wives), but this is the one that lives with me. This is the one I can go to sleep next to. This is the one I don't mind kissing.

He's seven inches long, and made from two layers of high-quality silicone - a hard inner layer and a softer outer one for that "realistic fleshy" texture. His name's "Johnny", he's made by Vixskin,and I picked him up online - cut-price from Uberkinky.

You can clean him by soaking in bleach, or boiling in the kettle for two minutes - which gets him really hot and wet.

I'd been promising myself something like him for over a year, so yes, anticipation is always better than reality.

Like most boyfriends, he's a total dick. He's designed to feel like human skin, which he does...albeit human skin covered in raspberry jam and smelling slightly rubbery.

Oh yes, and he's too big for me.

I have two major orifices, and he's too wide to fit into either of them. Which is why most of the time, we're happy just to cuddle.

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