Start as You Mean to Go On

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How I spent New Year's Eve:

1) Getting rather drunk with comrades.

2) Spending an hour waiting for someone to turn up for a sex date. He's lonely, affectionate, and absolutely always late.

3) Having my back pressed against a brick wall for 90 minutes, thinking "It's nice, but I'm cold, my feet hurt and I kind of wish you'd get jawache so I can go home."

4) Making a new year's resolution not to do this again.

5) Sleeping from 4 till 2.

6) Getting lost in side streets on my way to a new year's party.

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How I spent New Year's Day:

1) Getting rather drunk and eating too much at a party. And being part of a chorus of banging saucepans with rolling pins to greet 2007.

2) Chasing a lot of children around going "Grrr!" and "I'm going to eat you!". And getting tied up with tinsel by some of the girls.

3) Talking with comrades until...nine in the morning.

4) Being a pillow for one of them when she went to sleep.

5) Walking home looking like I'd been awake for 20 hours and hungover for 6.

6) Sleeping the rest of the day.

7) Eating the absolutely final last bits of the leftover turkey.

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Well, as Alan Plater once wrote, "Back to abnormal".

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