Resurrection


It's that time again

The time when my laptop gets a virus and I need to reinstall Windows. Thanks to programs like nLite, VirtualBox, and rather a lot of research, the process lasts around ten minutes and doesn't need my presence - as opposed to the more usual ninety minutes of watching and waiting.

It's therefore also the time when I post a selection of images I've stumbled upon and saved for just this purpose. A tradition here at blog Kapitano. So here goes.

Aliens are among us.


The differences are subtle, but an expert can spot them.


They have a master plan, and the signs are all around.


Their master is Lord Satan.


...and his perverted servants.




...who flaunt their disgusting lifestyle at decent folk.




And there are the skeptics...




...the fashion police...



...and the interlectuals...



...who want to send us all to the burning pit.



But there are the rightous...


...the wise...


...the devout...



...the normal...



...the heroic...


...the innocent...



...in the army of light...


...who will save us from depravity.


So watch for the signs.


And stop thinking about cocks all the time.


Stakker Bo


Seven synth-based bands I'm listening to at the moment:
8Khz Mono
A Blue Ocean Dream
Chinese Theatre
Colony 5
Covenant
Rupesh Cartel
Ostrich

There's something they all have in common, which I only discovered by accident. They're all...Swedish!

For the last forty years the UK's been the little country with the disproportionate voice in music around the world - something which has always been both comforting and embarrassing for me. Here's hoping the Netherland Kingdoms are the new United Kingdom.

Not to worry though. They sing in english, with british accents, and they're inspired by british synth bands of the 80s.

Kid Gloves


Babysitting on Thursday.

Daisy complained to mummy that she didn't want to be left with me because I hit her. Yes, a slightly awkward moment, though we all knew I wouldn't do that. Probably referring to one of her games of tag.

Mummy left and Daisy immediately tripped over a cable and fell down stairs. I got a sinking feeling.

After thirty seconds of crying she recovered in an eyeblink and showed me her new game. Which involved putting on a superhero cape, climbing up her bunk bed, announcing that she could fly , and jumping down onto a beanbag. And missing.

After another thirty seconds of tortured wailing she made another instant recovery...and did it again - this time making a soft landing with my help. Before asking to be swung around by her ankles and thrown onto the bed. We compromised on a game that involved being gently swung backwards and forwards inside a duvet.

More babysitting on Sunday, but mercifully less liable to induce suspicious bruises, though she did manage to fall off a chair.

We watched Walt Disney's Cinderella, Scooby Doo and the Alien Invaders (which I enjoyed far too much), and the Disney version of Oliver Twist - with the title role taken by an insufferably cutesy orange kitten.

Same again next weekend.

Marriage of Convocation


I've got a lot of half written songs. Some are just a chorus, some have one and a half verses, a few are just notes.

Flicking through them, one was two verses, and another a chorus. So here they are, welded together. But if you didn't know that, would you guess? Title: Outside Looking Out.

Verse 1:
What you have
You won't use

What you get
You can't refuse

What you say
You don't feel

And what you know
You can't, you can't reveal

Chorus:
We're
Outside, looking
Out
Full of ambition and
Full of self doubt, we're
Outside, looking
Out
Plenty to hope for but
Nothing to shout about

Verse 2:
What you see
You won't name

What you were
You can't reclaim

What you love
You don't break

And what you lost
You can't, you can't remake

I'm Half Crazy


I was going to spend the weekend fixing KR's computer. This would have involved half an hour in front of the actual computer, and a good seven or eight hours listening to her complain about anything and everything. In that kind of shrill monotonic voice that drills into your head.

KR is one of those fundamentally decent people, who you also want to hit with a brick until she starts being fundamentally decent and quiet.

Instead however, I spent the weekend babysitting for DT. This involved half an hour sitting in front of the computer trying to make it connect to the Ceebies site, and seven or eight hours listening to her demand sweets. In that shrill whine that drills into your soul.

The differences between KR and DS's four year old daughter Daisy are:

1) KR tells you why the modern world makes her want to scream. Daisy just screams.

2) Daisy will burst into tears at nothing, then ten seconds later gigglingly asks to be swung around by her feet. So far KR has done neither.

3) Daisy tells you to shut up. KR just assumes you weren't saying anything important.

4) Daisy likes to hear stories about Noddy and Big-Ears. KR likes to tell stories about work. I don't actually know what her work is, but that doesn't seem relavent to the stories.

5) I get to have conversations with Daisy. Albeit about Lego and "Want corm-flakes wiv shoclet an sherbet ona top!".

And with Daisy I get to be the Tickle Monster. Grrr.

Nobody's Diary


Another meme, this one from David. Put your iPod on shuffle and use the song titles to answer the questions below.


IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Dream On (Depeche Mode)
Ha!

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
One Love Song (Zoon Politcion)
Just the one. And then deny you sang it

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Earth (Beborn Beton)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Dead Souls (Joy Division)
It's all so true!

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Heading for the Coast (A Blue Ocean Dream)

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
You Don't Deserve My Love (Rename)
Grumble, grumble

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
1984 (Bonanza Banzai)
Perceptive as a fortune teller. Exactly as perceptive as a fortune teller

WHAT IS 2+2?
Bottle Living (David Gahan)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND(S)?
Lost in the Stars (Martin L Gore)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU FANCY?
Life (Resurrection Eve)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Something Must Break (Joy Division)
Even if it hasn't, it will

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Virus (Heroes del Silencio)

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU FANCY?
I Could Say I'm Sorry (Universal Poplab)
Probably should, actually

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Almost Medieval (Human League)

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
79S 83W (Sleep Research Facility)
Brilliant! One day someone really will try to dance to this ambient classic

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Another Girl - B! Machine
But not just ANY other girl

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Black (Colony 5)

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Xerox Machine (Client)
I'd tell you what that means, but it's a secret

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Shattered (Intact)

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Don't Go (Yazoo)

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
In My Other World (Juile Cruise)

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Yesterday Man (Elegant Machinary)

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
With You (Wave in Head)

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Wir Sind (Melotron)

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Never Again (Human League)

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Tiny Girls (Iggy Pop)
Grrr...

DOES ANYONE FANCY YOU?
Chill Out (KLF)
Absolutely.

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
The Man in Grey (Rational Youth)

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Animals on the Road (ST and ART)

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Nobody's Diary (Yazoo)

Mimetic Art


There's a meme running round. To design album covers using randomly accessed material.

Go to a random page on Wikipedia. The heading is your band name. Select the last in a list of random quotations, or the last few words of it. That's your album title. Take the third of a random selection of Flikr images. That's your album art. Now get creative.

For my part, I installed twenty random fonts, and selected from them - what else, but randomly, for each title. Here's the results.







What the Paper Sprays


My father has a favourite newspaper. He reads it online because, so he says, the webpage layout isn't confusing.

Last week there was an article about how using Facebook gives you cancer. They say quite a lot of things give you cancer. This week they say Facebook damages children's brains too.

Also in the "Science and Technology" section:

* Revolutionary proton therapy cures boy, 5, of brain tumour
* Feeling glum? It could all be down to your blue genes, say scientists
* Are we lost? Why women are worse at reading maps but can find those misplaced keys
* Degrading rap lyrics encourage youngsters to have sex earlier, claims study
* Big Brother spy planes that track the Taliban may soon hover over your home
* Regrow your own dentures: Scientists discover gene that produces TEETH
* Recipe for disaster? 100 - [10L - 7F + C(k - C) + T(m - T)]/(S - E) makes the perfect pancake, claims maths professor
* Simon Cowell: I'm going to freeze my body when I die so I can be brought back to life
* Survival of the smartest: Those with a higher IQ are more likely to follow doctors' orders
* Inventor of inflatable maze which flipped over killing two is found guilty of breaching safety rules
* Could this Google Ocean image show the lost city of Atlantis?
* Polygamy UK: This special Mail investigation reveals how thousands of men are milking the benefits system to support several wives
* Working long hours 'puts us at higher risk of dementia'

The stupid, it burns.

Food Glorious Food


This is how I work.

At about 1am, just as the parents, the dogs and the parrots were settling down for a night's sleep, I went on youtube to satisfy a minor curiosity.

Rammstein are a German industrial synth-and-rock-guitar band, possibly most famous for the song "Mein Teil", inspired the Meiwess cannibal case. The Pet Shop Boys did a popular remix, and I wondered vaguely whether there was a video for their remixed version - though actually I prefer the original. It turns out there is a video.

Watching it, I thought "Why don't I try translating this into Esperanto?". Mein Deutsche ist nicht zehr gut...but with the aid of some basic German and different English translations, I came up with a first draft.

Now, the chorus runs:
Denn du bist
Was du isst,
Und du wist
Was es ist.
Das ist Mein Teil.


Which means:
Because you are
What you eat,
And you know
What it is.
This is my part.


And translates literally into Esperanto:
Cxar vi estas
kiu vi mangxas,
Kaj vi scias
kiu gxi estas.
Tiu estas mia parto.


(The letter x here indicates a circumflex - hat character (^) - over the preceding letter. I haven't got around to setting up my system to be able to type the proper letters easily.)

If the chorus is the heart of the song, I think the translator should make a special effort to translate it accurately. So I need to find some Esperanto words that rhyme with either Mangxi (to eat) or Esti (to be), that preserve some of the sense of the original.

What I need is an Esperanto rhyming dictionary. I haven't got one. So I'll have to make one. But which existing dictionary do I make it out of?

The Baza Radikaro Angla (Basic Stemlist with English translations) is good but too limited. I need to translate words like "porcelain" elsewhere in the song, so I need a larger list. This one is an extended version which is easily reformattable, so that's what I used.

So by judicious use of search-and-replace on a wordprocessor and tab delimitation on a spreadsheet, I got a nice clean list of 3000 word stems. It's generally reckoned you can get ten useful words from each stem, so that should be enough meaning to be going along with.

Except they're not in rhyming order - they're in alphabetical order. Esperanto is phonetic, so I need to find a way to sort them alphabetically from the end of the stem, instead of the beginning. If my spreadsheet were sensible, it could do this. But it's not so it can't.

Still with me? I need to write a little program to create a second column of stems, but reversed, so the spreadsheet can sort them alphabetically, thus putting the right-way-around list in rhyme order. Simple!

I haven't been a programmer since 1994, and the only language I can remember how to use is BASIC. I was always a bit useless at C++. So I find and download QBASIC. And spend an hour reminding myself how to use it. And then another hour debugging the program, only to find it's the input file, not the program which is the problem.

This is the text of my first program in around fifteen years. It's not terribly elegant.

CLS
b$ = "____________________"
OPEN "h:\r2a.txt" FOR INPUT AS #1
FOR c = 1 TO 5000
OPEN "h:\r3.txt" FOR APPEND AS #2
INPUT #1, r$
FOR c2 = 1 TO LEN(r$)
MID$(b$, c2, 1) = MID$(r$, LEN(r$) - (c2 - 1), 1)
NEXT c2
c$ = LEFT$(b$, LEN(r$))
PRINT r$, b$, c$, c
PRINT #2, c$
CLOSE #2
NEXT c
CLOSE #1


...but it works. And now I have my Esperanto rhyming dictionary.

Now, what rhymes with Mangx(i)?

Arangx(i) - To make arrangements
Orangx(o) - Orange (fruit)
Sxangx(i) - To change something


And what rhymes with Est(i)?

Best(o) - Animal
Modest(a) - Modest
Cxe-est(i) - To be right here
Fest(o) - Holiday
Gest(i) - Gesture
Digest(i) - Digest food
Sugest(i) - Suggest
Majest(a) - Majestic
Kest(o) - Box
Nest(o) - Nest
Honest(a) - Honest
Tempest(o) - Storm
Rest(i) - To stay
Arest(i) - To arrest
Krest(o) - Crest of a bird
Forest(i) - To be elsewhere (not Forest!)
Atest(i) - To officially claim
Intest(o) - Intestines
Kontest(i) - To dispute a claim
Protest(i) - To disagree
Vest(o) - Any article of clothing


So do I have a sense-preserving rhyme for "Because you are...what you eat"? Several! Like:

Cxar vi estas
Kiun vi digestas.
Sentu tempesto
En vi intesto.


"You are what you digest. Feel the storm in your insides."

It's now eight in the morning. Time for breakfast.

Gimmie a Beat


I'm hip. I know the difference between techstep, twostep, hardstep, jungle and DnB. Even though they're all the same thing really.

I can identify the difference between roots reggae, dancehall and dub - and to prove it, I only like dub. I prefer hardhouse to deep house, hi-nrg to nu-nrg, IDM to EBM, new wave to nowave, new beat to schaffelbeat, and futurepop to synthpop.

Oh yes, I may not be down with the kids, but I get their music, the finely differentiated rainbow of everything that's pop but not commercially popular.

So what in hades is gothwave? I know goth, and I know darkwave, and most bands who are one stray into the other. So what is it supposed to be? And is there actually such a thing as trancecore, or did some blogger just make it up for a laugh? What exactly are the differences between emo, shoegaze and nerdcore?

Acid rock, celtic punk, cowpunk, horrorpunk, antifolk, coldwave, breakcore, grindcore, mathcore(!), post-grunge, post-hardcore, psychobilly...and stoner doom metal. Huh?

Reasons to be Cheerful


One, two, three...

1) I've just about finished cataloguing the last five years worth of computer stuff. Hundreds of CDRs and DVDRs of software, data and music, neatly reduced and sorted to thirty seven DVDRs and a searchable index.

Of course, that doesn't include the three hundred CDRS of stuff from before the last five years, or the new stuff from the last week...or the couple of hundred unsorted TV shows recorded a few years ago. But it feels pretty good anyway.

2) I've invented a cheap and simple way to stop the nasal breath noise that gets into headset microphones.

Get two thick rubber bands about ten inches each around and cut them in half. Now use elephant tape to join them, so you've got a double size band. For one of the joins, use eight inches of tape, wound around the band and stuck to itself, then looped back and stuck to create a two inch "pad".

The result is a kind of loose headband - you put it over your head, over the top of your ears, with the pad resting under your nose. It looks utterly preposterous, like the world's most unconvincing fake moustache.

And no, you're still not getting a photo. So there.

3) Quite a lot of men have suddenly emailed to say they'd love to have sex with me. Or as they put it, "I wanna drink u dry til the last drop".

It would be nice if they weren't all in another continent, but hopeless lust from afar, like unrequited love, can be better than the real thing.

I'll Huff and I'll Puff


I have an invention in mind. The headset mounted noseguard. "What in heaven's name are you blithering about Kapitano?", you ask. Well...

A headset is a pair of headphones, with a microphone attached, curling around to the mouth from one side. Now the perennial problem with any microphone kept close to the mouth is breath noise. We've all seen it - the MC at a wedding party whose witty routine is made even more annoying than usual by the constant barrage of amplified thunks, clicks, sibilants and that tubetrain-like noise of someone puffing onto a transducer. It's horrible.

But, with a headset mike the worst gusts of air don't come from the mouth - they're from the nose, which is in the most inconvenient position possible. Not only is it an upside-down sewage works just above your food inlet port, it's also a bellows noisily sucking and blasting directly onto the microphone, without ever stopping. To say nothing of sniffles, sneezes and whistles.

So, what you really need is something to deflect the regular gusts. Something mounted just under your nose, that lets you breathe, but deflects (or at least disperses) the air.

It can be mounted on a gooseneck like the mike, but coming around from the other side. My prototype involves wearing two headsets, one around the neck with the mike padded with extra foam rubber and placed directly under the nose, the other worn in the conventional way.

The first prototype was me holding one hand flat under my nose for quite a long time.And no you can't have a photo of either, and not just because I can't find the camera.

What should I call it? Noseguard, snorkel, nonose, depuffer?

My Domain Steadily Grows


...as documented by our roving reporter, C.



Deprived of Sense


The results on my first ganzfeld experiment were...disappointing.

The idea is to starve the brain of sensory input. Vision is reduced to a vague wash of colour by placing translucent screens - traditionally half ping-pong balls - over the eyes. Sound is smeared by playing white noise (in this case grey noise) through headphones. Other senses are "numbed" with a comfortable chair or bed, no strong smells etc.

Without coherent input, the brain starts to generate it's own - usually visual images. Personally, I suspect this is what's happening when we dream.

So what did I see? Not much. The occasional fleeting glimpse of a robin gathering twigs, a computer display of an unknown program, and a swirling set of blue triangles like you might find on a screensaver. Nothing different from the soup of images I always see just before dropping off to sleep.

There was the blindness effect - whereby the white wash in the visible field dimmed and became black after several minutes - only to return when I moved my eyes.

After forty minutes, I felt refreshed, alert and happy - as you might expect after a doze. But not entertained by hallucinations.

I think the problem was that there was still too much sensory stimulus. The occasional creaking of the headphones interrupted the noise, the visual field wasn't uniform enough, and the slight lumpiness of the bed became highly noticeable - presumably because my brain was searching for input.

Next time then, louder noise, smoother light (monochromatic if I can manage), and hopefully something to report.

And I need some new ping-pong balls.

Where on earth do you buy ping-pong balls?

The Checks, Files


File under "Incredibly annoying things which I've lived with for so long it doesn't occur to me most of the time there might be a way around them". Or if you prefer, "irritations".

Most computers use CRCs - Cyclic Redundancy Checks - when reading and writing data. It's a way of both detecting and fixing errors in the data stream, and good thing too, because there's too many ways files can get easily corrupted. They're like children and politicians in that respect.

Unfortunately, in a bit of thuddingly bad design on the part of Microsoft, if you try to copy (or unpack) a file with just one single error that the CRC system can't fix...the whole file is deemed unreadable. This is a bit like being forced to throw away a book because a single misprint on one page makes it impossible to guess what the word should be.

Sometimes the data isn't really corrupt at all - it's just been misread by the CD drive. If you've got a dodgy drive, you might attempt the copy the file twenty times, and each time a different part of the file is misread, and you have to start again.

Now, file under "So astonishingly simple and useful I can't imagine how I ever managed to live without it and I'm so grateful to the inventor I'd bear his babies". Or "nice", if you like.

The application at this humble site. It's a Java application, which means you'll probably run it from your web browser. At least you will if you're like me.

Download the file "JFileRecovery.jar", and drag it into your browser window. The program will run, asking you for source and destination locations. Then get a cup of tea (or coffee, seeing as it's Java) and wait while this tiny little program copies what it can of the file, and skips what it can't.

And then goes back and tries to fill in the blanks. Even if it can't you've still got the great majority, which should be bearable for films or music.

Now I just need a small, useful program that'll scan every disc in the room and tell me what I should keep, what's obsolete, what's duplicated and what I'll never use even though it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Make It So, Mr Data


Videotape lasts about 50 years. A commercially pressed DVD is supposed to last twice that. Paper documents can last centuries.

A DVDR lasts...maybe five years. That is, if you don't write on it, and you keep it out of sunlight, and, erm, don't use it.

I only mention it because I spent last night burning fifteen DVDRs of backup data, plus there'll be a similar number tonight, and it would be nice if they were more...well, permanent.

People who advise about these things professionally say you should make backups of your backups and store them in a dark, dry, clean space. Which might make sense if I were IBM, but not if I were, um, me.

Incidentally, if you think 30 DVDRs is a lot, I've spent the last month going through about 150, weeding out obsolete, duplicated or useless files.

So, how can I protect my files without

(1) spending the whole week doing nothing but burning backups

(2) spending all the money I don't have on expensive DVDRs that may or may not be less corruptible

(3) winding up with a suitcasefull of redundant copies after spending a month removing redundant copies

...?

My solution is to wrap each DVDR in a homemade paper insert, inside the usual clear plastic wallet. The insert protects the surface from sunlight, provides some extra padding, and gives me something on which to write a description of the disc's contents - instead of the disc itself.

The small irony is, years ago before clear plastic CD/DVD wallets were common, I made hundreds of them from A4 sheets of paper. They were practical, protective, and you could write on them. Then I threw them away when plastic wallets and CD pens became common.

Shoot That Poison Arrow


Valentine's day has a special meaning for me.

My last major relationship ended explosively twelve years ago - at 2am, Feb 14th.

Valentine's day is supposed to be a day for love - or rather romance, which isn't the same thing. Christmas is supposed to be a time for happiness and goodwill, and Easter is...a time for chocolate. All good things to have.

Specifically, good things to have all year round. If someone only shows goodwill at christmas, you probably wouldn't describe them as an admirable person - more likely as a hypocrite. Which makes me think the more a society extols the "special mood" of a season or event, the more likely it is it doesn't give a flying toss about the same mood the rest of the year.

If someone were romantic to me on Valentine's day, I'd find myself asking, "Are they a romantic person who's being extra romantic on this day because they like the day's sentiment...or are they only romantic once a year?"

But then, I'm an incurable cynic.

And as everyone knows, cynics are really romantics.

Incidentally, shouldn't a heart with an arrow through it be a symbol of heartbreak?

100 Things about Kapitano, Part 4: Stupid Things Adults Told Me When I was a Child.


16) When you die you'll go to heaven.

One day, when I was four or five, I asked my mother what happened to a person after they died. Her answer was long, rambling, hesitant and embarrassed, and I didn't understand most of it, but the gist was: I, but not my body, would live forever in paradise, which was known to be a nice place, even though no one knew anything about it.

Exactly why she felt the need to tell me this is unclear, because she didn't believe a word of it. She'd been raised in the vaguest religion in the world - Church of England style Anglicanism - then asked some very basic questions about it in early teen years, and getting no answers, jettisoned the whole thing. I followed the same path.


17) You must always tell the truth / You must always be polite.

This pair puzzled me, because the truth usually isn't polite. Eventually though I figured it out.

"Tell the truth" actually meant "Always confess to wrongdoing when accused by adults, even when you didn't do it". "Be polite" meant "Adults are emotionally fragile creatures and don't really want to know what you think anyway, so tell them reassuring lies".

So in fact, both imperatives meant the same thing: Tell adults what they want to hear. Lie to the grownups, but only on their terms.


18) Struggle makes you a better person.

Between the ages of four and ten, I went to a school run by a headmaster who regularly got all five hundred of us to sit in the big hall, and listen to him give some strained parable about how you'll only be able to cope with the world if it almost - but not quite - destroys you.

The reasoning ran like this: The world will try to destroy you, and you'll only survive if you've got the strength you got from the last time it tried to destroy you, which you survived because you had the strength....

I suspect this leads back to the old notion that enlightenment comes from suffering. That personal tragedy makes you a better artist, sticking needles into your flesh brings you closer to the gods, and what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Thus people who overcome disabilities are heroic, but those who don't are embarrassing and should be hidden away.


19) If you try hard, you'll succeed / If you do your best and fail, that's okay / Failure is unacceptable

This trio of mutually incompatible ideas formed the basis of my school life. The teachers couldn't decide whether I was diligent or a dropout. I suppose in effect I was both.


20) You must pretend to believe in Santa Claus, even though everyone knows you don't.

This one had a lot of variations, such as:

* You must visit your grandmother, even though she's a daft old bat and the adults don't want to see her either.
* You must go to church and sing the hymns, even though it bores the shit out of you and you don't know the lyrics.
* You must eat everything on the plate even though you're not hungry, and you must never ask for more even when you are.

In other words: Only appearances matter. It's all bullshit, and everyone knows it's bullshit, but as long as we all pretend, it'll somehow work eventually - so pretend, dammit.

The same idea came back in teen years as "You're not gay because if you were and the neighbours found out they'd think we weren't respectable".


Wednesday


When I think back to the months I spent in Bulgaria, there's a lot of memories to choose from. My boss, the world class prevaricator with the heart of gold, feet of clay and head of wood. Tania the secretary who ran everything, and who helped me escape. The neverending variety of mostly horrible food. The empty luxury flats next to the overcrowded crumbling towerblocks. The absurd bureaucracy and the people's casual contempt for it.

But the memory which comes back most often...is of a little stray dog who wondered into the office one day. A tiny mongrel, small enough to sit in the palm of my hand, affectionate and starving. Radi the odd-job man (who pretended not to know any English) named her Wednesday - after the daughter in the Addams family.

I adopted her, and in the next two weeks - was it really only two weeks? - watched her quadruple in size, while intermittantly forgetting what the newspaper on the floor was for. She slept on the end of my bed, chewed on my shoes and fingers, watched movies with me, and cheered me up enormously in the depressing last days after I decided to leave.

I'd received a camera, and took some minute-long home movies of her. I just found them while sorting through a load of backed up old files. Here's two.





I could have brought her back with me to England. There would have been problems - quarantine, the fact that fully grown she'd come up to my waist, the issue of where on earth I could keep her - but I could have done it. It was just easier to for Tania to find a good home for her - Bulgarians are a dog-loving people.

She'd quickly got used to being locked in the flat while I went out to work - only crying the first two or three times. But the last time I locked the door, at four in the morning, carrying too much luggage for the two hour coach journey to the airport, she cried. I think I did too, just a little bit.

Unproductive


My well has run dry, my inspiration has evaporated, my muse has moved out and shacked up with a sugar daddy from Scunthorpe.

So I think an EP of four or five songs makes a lot more sense than an album of fourteen. Yes, indeed, I don't know why I didn't see that earlier. Definitely.

Even got a title. Seeing as I've been listening to Bronski Beat recently - "The Age of Dissent".

FAWM 2009: Lyrics 4


Song number four, ripped off from inspired by two songs by Dead or Alive.


Verse 1:
I really didn't understand it
What your games were all about but
All those hints and all those glances were
Just so you could turn me down, and I
Thought that you were chasing me but you
Just need someone chasing you, last
In a line of boys and girls got
Taken for a fool

Chorus:
You don't want me, you never did
You just want me to want you kid
You don't want me to take you home, you're
Secret's out, the game is up, your cover's blown

Verse 2:
The
Mirror of your eyes is asking
Who's the fairest of them all, and us
Wicked queens all answer 'cos you're
Dark and handsome, yes and tall, you've
Played the field and done the scene, and you've
Left a trail of of heartbroke exes, now
No one wants you for yourself 'cos you
Don't know what that is

FAWM 2009: Lyrics 3


Usually I come up with the chorus quite quickly, then struggle and slog with the verses. This time the verses came easily...and I couldn't think of a chorus at all.

This one's called "Photograph".

1:
There's a photo
In your pocket
Of your wife and two kids

But I've seen it
There's another
And you keep it well hid

2:
You are always
Disappearing
And you never explain

There are rumours
At the office
Tell me what is his name?

3:
Do you hold him
Does he kiss you
Do you have your own song?

Does she know him
Are they friendly
How long's it been going on?

4:
Is he open
Say he loves you
Does he have a wife too

See I'm asking
All these questions
'Cos i want to do the same thing as you

Apart from the final one, all the stanzas have exactly the same intonation and rhythm. But listening to other people's stuff, they just don't bother.

The chord sequence is generally the same between verses, and the notes more-or-less. But the rhythm varies all over the place, and it doesn't seem to matter.

So if it doesn't matter that much to them, and what they make is good, there's no reason for me to wrench around the words and syntax to make a curate's egg of identical repeated patterns.

Even if it does offend my sense of order.

Someone Left the Toast Out in the Rain


Whoever said you should write what you know was talking out of their arse. If I made music about what's happening in my life right now, it would look like this:

Today, starting at midnight, I spent five hours getting my synthesiser to sound like early Depeche Mode, alternating between that and working on a song loosely inspired by a Pet Shop Boys number called "I'm in Love with a Married Man". Of which hopefully more later.

Then I slept for eight hours, waking around midday. After breakfast/brunch/lunch, more synthesiser noodling, followed by...

In the evening a political meeting, where ten of us sat in a room getting depressed about recent strikes which have been making the headlines. Normally we'd be quite pleased about workers standing up to bosses, but in this case when the bosses employ cheap labour from Europe, the workers blame the labour for stealing their jobs. And for being foreign. Yes, it's racism.

Back home I decide to try out the Lennox method of songwriting. Annie Lennox brainstorms around a subject for half an hour, writing down whatever occurs to her, then later shapes it into a song. It's a brilliant method, source of many brilliant Lennox songs - so I tried it.

Taking a break, I made a piece of toast. And the toaster caught fire. Melting plastic roaring merrily and singeing the shelves, thrown out onto the lawn and squirted with the hose.

It's still there, still smoking gently on the grass, covered in convenient rain. I challenge anyone to make poetry out of that lot.

So what did my half hour of Lennoxing produce? Here's my notes, pasted without change:

i don't want to be cassanova
don juan
macho man
world's greatest lover
isn't lover just another word for slut / can't find love

never believed in one true love
now and forever more
never believed in romance no, the
kind you spend your whole life searching for

but there's
just one, just one
one more love song
just need someone to sing it to / to hear it
no more love songs

i don't believe in romance / never believed
james bond, milk tray
all because the lady loves ... chocolates
flowers, hearts, candy
valentine

i'm happy being alone
i'm not alone, just not tied to you
monogamy
the special one you spend your life searching for
meant to be

trophy wife
find love fast
how to make any woman fall in love with you instantly
why'd you think they call it falling in love

happy couples only exist in wedding photographs
life is a chore
life is a task to be done

making love / faking love
montagues and capulates
romeo and juliet died
...with another man's wife
time is a poison arrow
stupid cupid knifes you through the heart

it's four o clock in the morning
no one's waiting in my bed
i can live life like i want to
it was a marriage, like any other

superman and lois lane
pages from a comic book yarn
not an old romantic, or a new romantic

so you found that special someone
what you gonna do now?
now that we've found love what are we gonna do with it?

how many disappointment, how much pain, how many fights
how many suspicious glances?
till you can say you've found one true perfect love / worked it out

what is this thing called love, you say it makes the world go round
i thought that was money, honey
that clinking clanking sound
crazy little thing called love

will the world be a better place?
what changes?
why will this make one life worth living?
did you think it wasn't worth it before?


Taped Up Ears


I can't listen to music on tape anymore. It's muffled, distorted and lacking in dynamics. Even with surface noise removed and top-end partials extrapolated, it's still pretty rough. How I spent my teen years listening to cassettes I'm not sure - and how I spent them listening to cassette copies of vinyl I really don't know.

Now, when I make music, I feed the sounds through a device which combines a lowpass filter, amplitude compressor, and harmonic exciter - it reduces digital harshness, creating a warm, mellow, slightly fuzzy feel. In other words, it recreates the classic sound of...analog tape.

There's some songs I grew up with hearing them only on cassette, or MW radio. Now after twenty years I get to hear them on CD - or MP3 ripped from CD - and it's like...

You know when you get water in your ears after going swimming? And you spend the rest of the day walking around thinking you can hear perfectly, until suddenly there's a pop and all the muffledness you didn't even notice has gone? It's like that.

FAWM 2009: Lyrics 2


Tom Tom Club were a spin-off from Talking Heads. It came about because two of the members considered they were getting too precious in songwriting about the complex meanings of lyrics. Essentially they found they were having to write poetry when then wanted to write songs.

So they created a side project, where they could just let the words come easily and not worry about being deep.

Well, after spending today struggling with two half finished songs, I thought I should do a Tom Tom Club, and stop being quite so up myself, in the interests of actually getting something done.

And this is the result. Working title: Celebrity


Verse 1:
Picture yourself
---On a magazine
Picture it now
---On the silver screen
How does it feel
---You're at number one
Top of the charts
---Loved by everyone
Who's on your arm
---When the cameras flash
What do you wear
---At the latest bash
Glitter and glam
---Party premiere
Champaign on ice
---People stop and stare

Chorus 1:
Hello goodbye you're
Last weeks rising
Star, but now your
Off the radar

Hello goodbye you're
This weeks one to
Watch until you're
Not so hot

Verse 2:
Interview time
---Drunk on live TV
Cameo roles
---Straight to DVD
Scandal and sleaze
---Marriage on the rocks
Pictures inside
---Secret lover shock
Out of control
---Back in therapy
Take any deal
---Scientology
Picture yourself
---Can you walk away
Picture it now
---That was yesterday

Chorus 2:
Hello goodbye, you're
Last year's hot young
Thing, and now the
Phone ain't ringing

Hello goodbye you're
My new hottest
Tip till ratings
Start to dip

Head, Blow and Swallow


I know where all these headaches have been coming from.

The fan heater that's been blowing lovely hot air at me while it's freezing cold and snowing outside was emitting fumes, and poisoning me.

I'm not sure whether swallowing the 1000mg of ibuprofen it took to stop my temples throbbing constitutes a different poisoning.

So now I have a choice.

(1) Be especially nice to my parents so they'll let me borrow their non-toxic heater all the time.

(2) Get the old one back and keep a large box of co-codomols handy.

(3) Run around the room every few minutes to keep warm.

(4) Train the dogs to wrap themselves around me.

(5) Spend GBP20 on a new convection heater.

Cleaning Out My Closet


Last night I put all the software and drivers I'm likely to need on one USB memory stick, and went to bed. Today I needed the stick but couldn't find it. So I cleared away half of a year's worth of junk looking for it - before finding it in the place I'd first looked.

However, here's some of the things I found in the meantime:

* Two bottles of water - unopened
* Two packets of extra strong mints - half gone
* Three USB cables I've been looking for
* About a dozen blank DVDRs - which would have been useful last week
* Four pens
* About five pounds in loose copper change
* Two headache pills - useful, as I had a headache
* Two half packets of co-codamol - for extra headache relief
* Fourteen notebooks - half filled
* Six teabags - one of which became part of my breakfast
* One spoon - for stirring the tea
* About 100 DVDRs marked "Misc Porn".
* Three bottles of bodybuilding supplements - unopened
* Two boxes of eardrops - one empty
* One block of wood with no discernable function
* Two pingpong balls sawn in half
* Three pairs of miniature headphones
* One tub of dermatological cream - smells of petrol and brought my headache back
* Four hard disks - all under 6GB
* Two CD burners - nonfunctional
* One wristwatch - presumably the source of those mysterious bleeps every hour

FAWM 2009: Lyrics 1


Good way to start a project. Write the first song, then lose all your data and spend the first day fixing the laptop.

Anyway, here is the (reconstructed) first song:

After Words

Verse 1:
Silence on the end of the phone, I'm still
Waiting here, you
Said you really needed to talk tonight but
The words won't come out right

Breathing on the end of the line, i'm still
Listening here, you're
Starting to recover it now and then but
The tears come back again

Bridge:
Do you need to speak at all or
Just someone to hear?

Chorus:
Are we
After words, or be
-fore
If you've got something to say
What are you waiting for? Are we
After words, or be
-fore
If there's nothing more to say
What are you waiting for?

Verse 2:
Shouting on the end of the phone, I don't
Understand, I
Said you should become what you meant to be, but
The one you blame is me

Buzzing on the end of the line, I'm still
Standing here, I'm still
Standing here, I'm still
Standing here

Chorus

Oh yes, the list of fourteen titles. Not a helpful idea, ignore it.

FAWMication


The idea behind February Album Writing Month is to write and record fourteen songs in twenty eight days.

I don't imagine I've got a hope in hell of doing it, but I'm going to try.

The KLF, before they started work on their White Room album, wrote down the first ten song titles which came to mind...and then wrote the songs to the titles.

I'm thinking vaguely of doing something similar, with fourteen titles which I'll try to write around. With the little twist that each title is a pun. Here's the list.

Hooked on Sonics
Queen of Diva
Second Slumming
Freaks Bearing Gifts
Beautiful Sting
In the Realm of Defences
Oedipus Rocks
Pump up the Scam
Shock da House
Birth and Debt
Captain Beefcake
Slobfather
Weapon of Crass Distraction
The Beatless and the Stoned

And here's some that didn't make it.

History Defeats itself
Alice Threw the Looking Glass
Woman on the Surge of a Pervert Shakedown
Fool Britannia
Battery will Get You Everywhere
The Shite Album
Last Night a DJ Raved This Dive

So now, at 00:01 Sunday February the first, 2009, I start from nothing and see what I can do.

No One Told You It Was Gonna Be This Way


There's two kinds of friends. Those who tell you what you want to hear, and those who tell you what you need to know.

Oh, there's also those who just need you to listen to them telling you things, but friend isn't quite the word for them.

Which is odd, because most friends are like that.

Milky Milky


Reasons to drink tea without milk:

(1) Europeans do it, and they're sophisticated.

(2) Americans do it, and they're tough.

(3) Without milk to muddy the flavour, you can actually taste the difference between different types of tea.

(4) It's actually quite nice.

(5) With a kettle, a cup, a stack of teabags and an optional bottle of lemon juice, I can have a nice cup of tea at four in the morning, without having to creep downstairs and wake up the dogs getting milk from the fridge.

The other options are to get a fridge in the bedroom, or develop a taste for yoghurt in tea.

Picture the Cn


Night in with C.

Getting squiffy on rum, going soppy over little dogs, discussing everything from the development of superhero costumes in Marvel comics, to the soteriological ramifications of Pascal's Gambit.

Who needs a boyfriend when you've got a friend?

He also sent me two pictures collected in his travels around Europe. It seems my beneficient influence is being felt in unexpected quarters.





Soon, I shall rule...The World!

Fawmality


February Album Writing Month. Starts in three days.

So I have that long to get the laptop all sorted out, and get into the habit of carrying around a pad of paper to note those sudden inspirations that strike when you're in the middle of doing something else.

I once wrote three and a half songs in twelve hours - one of which was even worth keeping. The others were my embarrasing sole attempt at a love song, and a cheerful, bouncy ditty about absurd plots in porn films.

Boxes in Boxes


So, can I put Reason and Reaper into one portable installation? And do they work together? Yes.

Can I do the same with Firefox and Orbit Downloader? Oh yes.

Can I bundle Firefox, Orbit, Flash, Java, Quicktime Alternative, Real Alternative, Shockwave and Firefox's Windows Media Player Plugin? I can indeed, though some details need working out.

Now, Can I make a portable installation of a virtual machine - specifically, the one I use to make portable installations? Um, no. The makers seem to have fixed it so you can't.

The advantage of bundling Firefox with all those plugins, or bundling WinAmp with a load of audio and video codecs, is that I can transfer the whole bundle from one computer to another and it should work fine, without having to install a load of stuff on someone else's computer just so I can use one bit of software for a while.

The disadvantage...is that to update any part of the bundle, I have to make it again from scratch.

I'll have to sleep on that one.

Today's the Day


Remember how, a few weeks ago, I finally got through to the bureucrats to ask where my jobseeker's allowance had got to? And how the holdup had been a piece of especially pointless paperwork they (a) hadn't told me about and (b) hadn't sent me? And how they said with true sincerity that it had just been sent to me that very day?

Well now after two weeks I finally get through again, to ask them what's happened to this mysterious form that I filled out. And they tell me with true sincerity that everything has just been sorted out this very day. What a remarkable coincidence.

For Want of a Shoe


I want to record a song.

To do this, I need two programs - Reason and Reaper - to pass data between each other.

Reason is probably the best program around for making electronic music, but has the bizarre limitation that it can't record sound. However, it can integrate with other sequencers using a system called Rewire.

Reaper is an excellent little sequencer, which I want to use as Reason's sound recording device. It'll generate a sound file which I can load into Reason, which will apply all the necessary effects and mix it in with the music.

Now, almost all the software I have installed is portable, which is great in many ways, but there's one disadvantage - each portable program runs in its own bubble, which means it sometimes has difficulty communicating with other portable programs. For instance, links clicked in portable Thunderbird won't open portable Firefox to view them in.

But, I think I may have a solution - to create a new portable installation which includes both Reason and Reaper in the same bubble.

To make this installation, I have to set up a virtual machine.

To do this, I have to install the virtual-machine-creating software on my new laptop.

To do this, I have set up the partitions for the virtual-machine-creating software and the virtual machine itself to go on.

To do this I first have to clear off the data that I've temporarily backed up there from another computer.

To do this I have to burn it to DVD.

To do this I have to install DVD burning software.

To do this I have to transfer it from another computer.

To do this I have to find the USB memory stick to transfer it with.

And to do this I have to find the jacket the stick's in.

I can't find the jacket.

The Big Picture


"Now watch what you say, or they'll be calling you a Technical,
a practical, academical, pedagogical."
- Not quite Supertramp, The Logical Song

YouTube sound is shit.

It's 64kbps (so grainy), 22.05KHz (so muffled) and 1ch (so mono). In 2007 it was possible to encode your video to certain setting in FLV (Flash Video) format, and YouTube's conversion (or reconversion) into it's native FLV settings would be bypassed. The video quality was really rubbish, but the sound was at least stereo. It was a bug, and they "fixed" it.

Now if you upload high resolution files, you're given the option to encode to high resolution FLV, and sometimes the stereo signal stays stereo. And sometimes it doesn't. And sometimes it plays stereo when played in Internet Explorer but not other browsers.

It gets weirder. When you upload a stereo file, it gets recoded and stored on one or another of YouTube's servers - it seems to be random which server is chosen. Now, some servers recode your audio to mono, while others actually recode it to stereo, but stream it as mono...unless you add "&fmt=18" or "&fmt=22" to the end of the URL.

Or maybe this "bug" has now been "fixed", because I've spent the afternoon experimenting with uploading different formats - FLV and DivX for video, PCM and MP3 for audio, and no matter what I do, the result is mono and crummy.

There's no good reason for YouTube to stick to this policy. Their settings are adequate for speech, but YouTube is used extensively for music. Settings of 128kbps 44.1KHz 2ch are routinely used by internet radio stations, so bandwidth just isn't the issue it was when YouTube started out. But sticking to it they are, like shit to your shoe.

Here's what I found while researching the above.

If you want to minimise the amount of video you have to upload with your audio, the smallest resolution that most video making/converting programs can handle is 8x8. However, the FLV standard seems to have a lower limit of 160x120. I haven't done extensive tests to find just how low a resolution YouTube can convert from, but it chokes on 8x8 and is fine with 160x120.

Amazingly though, the difference between a minute of 8x8 black screen and one at 160x120, coded to either FLV or DivX, is a few dozen kilobytes. So, don't worry about it. And if the technology obliges you to use a resolution high enough to put a logo on, I'd say put a logo on it.

This is assuming the video is encoded at one frame per second - though there's no great reason why the framerate can't go even lower. There's obviously no reason to deinterlace a black screen, and FLV is happy with a video bitrate of 1kbps. YouTube was happy with DivX at 125kbps, but not at 1.

Did you know you can schedule blogger posts? Just set the timestamp for a time/date in the future, and blogger will wait until that time to post them. I found this by accident - after spending half a day unsuccessfully searching for a simple way to schedule email sending.

So I think I'll try using it. Instead of blocking three or four topics into one post every two or three days, there'll be smaller posts more often, staggered over the same period.

This will:
(a) make me look more prolific and
(b) make me seem to be posting from my computer at times when I'm actually somewhere completely different. Or more likely, in front of a different computer.

In the meantime, this post marks the start of a new label: Technical.

Why Do I Have to Be Mr Pink?


Typical. I spend a few hours figuring out how to gerrymander blogger into hosting podcasts, and it turns out

(a) Google Video, which hosts Blogger Video, will cease accepting new uploads in a few months. This is because Google Video, like about fifty other google products, is being reduced with the workforce.

Sometimes the products are allowed to slowly die - often after they've been bought up with the original developers for millions of dollars. Sometimes they're abruptly discontinued, and sometimes as in this case they're just scaled down to something still useful but much less useful - a video search tool. A literal google for videos, in fact.

(b) OurMedia does it better anyway.

Today's culinary adventure: Sheep offal bulked with oats and stuffed into the sheep's stomach, traditionally served with mashed up turnips and swede.

Haggis with neeps and tatties.

Once a year, English supermarkets stock these items in anticipation of Burns Night, which marks the birth (or it might be the death, or something else, no one I've asked is sure) of Robert Burns - prolific Scottish author of poems, all of which seem to have turned into songs.

Every country seems to have it's own variation on "the less appetising bits of an animal mashed up and baked with whatever vegetables grow locally". We've got shepherd's pie, I'm told Canadians have cowboy pie, and I've eaten (but been unable to pronounce) some east european variations.

I've decided I rather like haggis. But it won't be available for another year.

There is a program called Driver Genius, which scans your computer for out-of-date drivers and downloads up-to-date replacements for them. Sound good? My advice is: Don't use it, ever.

I've tried it twice, and on both occasions the "new" drivers either didn't work at all, or seemed much earlier than the ones they replaced.

Just a small public service announcement.

Last week I bought a pink computer.

My old laptop had (almost literally) exploded, and mother had lent me hers for a little while, so I could continue reading wikipedia, playing mp3s and, well, searching for a bargain on a new laptop.

And I did indeed find a reasonable bargain, with 12.1" screen, 4GB RAM, 2GB cache, 2.26GHz dual core processor, N-type wireless compatibility, 250GB SATA drive, and other good things understood only by people who spend far too much time sitting at computers, reading about computers.

Plus, I could get it for twenty three pounds less...if I got the version in pink. And it was very pink. Pinker than a gay triangle, pinker than the girlband Pink, pinker than cognitive psychologist Steven Pinker - who isn't actually very pink at all.

Except after a week it still hasn't been built. So I phoned up and enquired. It seems the pink version - sorry, the pink version - had been discontinued. Without anyone telling the sales department or website maintainer - or indeed me.

Sigh. So I cancel the order, and set about choosing a new one. And what should I find but a nice black laptop with about the same specs...for a hundred and fifty pounds less!

So this is me, happily shacked up with a cool, dark, spiffy new boyf...computer. In the pink, indeed.

Whack/Job


"Error is the force that welds men together."
- Tolstoy, My Religion

"I have a medium-sized fire axe buried in my spinal column."
- Kryten, Red Dwarf

"How embarrassing. A house full of condiments and no food."
- Narrator, Fight Club

The jobcentre will rule on whether I'm british or not...sometime next week. Probably. After which one of three things will happen.

Possibility 1: They'll decide I do actually live here, as birth certificate, passport and their own records show, and I'll get the last eight weeks jobseeker's allowance all at once.

Possibility 2: They'll decide I don't live here after all, and should presumably therefore be deported to...um, wherever I was born. This poses a conundrum, because if it can't be proven I do live here, I'd have to be deported to wherever it can be proven I do live...but as soon as it was proven, I couldn't go there. Although I'm already there.

For these purposes, I shall suddenly remember that I was born in a sunny latin american country, just opposite a good ESL school.

Possibility 3: They'll produce a new sheaf of delaying forms to fill out, in which case they'll all die horribly. Partly for the sake of my own sanity, but mostly because they deserve it.

A lot of people go on the internet to look at other people having sex. Others do it to arrange having sex with each other. But more go on the internet to have sex with each other on the internet.

Or rather...to have sex with themselves while watching other people having sex with themselves. It used to be called "scoptophillia exhibitionism", but now it's called "camfun".

The main difference between C2C and 121 is, when you realise the person you're cybersexing with is someone you really don't want in your bedroom, nevermind your orifices, you still have cybersex with them.

So, here is Kapitano's top five ways to make cybersex unsexy. All guaranteed to kill the mood, and all from the kind of arsehole you shouldn't fuck.

(5) Pseudo-involvement. Pointing the webcam at your unmoving face and leaving it there for an hour, except for when you leave it pointed at an empty chair for another hour when you walk away without logging off.

(4) Repeated inflexibility. The man who knows exactly what he wants, won't settle for anything else, and requests it every minute for three hours. Things like "n e blond?", "want hairy pm me", "stockings?", and "older sub for young dom".

(3) Control freakery. Constantly hassling with instructions like "show your ass", "bounce your balls", "pump it", "get harder" and "get a toy i wanna see you with a toy a big black one".

(2) Impatience. Some seem to think the point of sex is to get it over with as quickly as possible - these are the ones who say "cum 4 me", "do it now", "i want cum whos abt 2 unload?", and "shoot it 4 me right now".

...and finally, my recently discovered biggest turnoff of them all...

(1) Abusive monomania. For instance, repeatedly typing such allcap philosophical gems as "AMERICAN COCKS RULE", "WE WON WAR 4 U EUROS U OWE US", and "US HAS BEST FUCKING I ONLY FUCK PURE AMERICANS WE FUCK WORLD YEAH". In case you doubt it, these are real examples.

The internet really is full of knobs.

Video Killed


One of the oddities of Blogger is, it will host video for you, but not audio. So you can vlog but not podcast. If you want Blogger to host audio, you have to give it a video track.

Of course it doesn't have to be much of a video track - you could use a slideshow of photos, a logo, or just a blank screen. But it's not very elegant to have a redundant non-video staring at you while your music, poetry or commentary plays. There should be some way to at least make the video window invisible, leaving just the playback bar - and there is.

When you upload your video to Blogger, it recodes what you send to flash format, and embeds a display window in your post. The HTML code looks something like this:

<object id="BLOG_video-41b6eee4fd64c73b" class="BLOG_video_class" contentid="41b6eee4fd64c73b" height="240" width="320"></object>


Unless you're pasting from the source code of another blog, in which case it'll look something like this:

<embed width="320" height="266" src="http://www.blogger.com/img/videoplayer.swf?videoUrl=http%3A%2F%2Fvp.video.google.com%2Fvideodownload%3Fversion%3D0%26secureurl%3DqAAAAOF-u9WtopylwZ9XHAqIS4Q8mMCKxx25CeJq8bZBiPr6Lw1nPt3Mzuy4dAHiTdzlJdTM7R5C4A8yULlJcCGk46syEW7Wkg_D7V8QgTWwr-HGf1tvwnESv5Uz2E9E7wL5Ce4fg3BdxWEVOmlQ1z-PDH480M4DbkLsn6npmDomUJiai-I7XKyv_b2OZ_QnsOVpAr_T0XVce-X10Sy6q7FESf6NIerYRfXjTmzBMH8TG0aC%26sigh%3D7BraJLEO2xG_ZgceHKNZLuRXVY0%26begin%3D0%26len%3D86400000%26docid%3D0&nogvlm=1&thumbnailUrl=http%3A%2F%2Fvideo.google.com%2FThumbnailServer2%3Fapp%3Dblogger%26contentid%3D9c3e5d0d5c086378%26offsetms%3D5000%26itag%3Dw320%26sigh%3DqlhWps1wzO-wxaMVRD9NQowWIKI&messagesUrl=video.google.com%2FFlashUiStrings.xlb%3Fframe%3Dflashstrings%26hl%3Den" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed>
<a href="rtsp://rtsp-youtube.l.google.com/video.3gp?app=blogger&fmt=13&cid=9c3e5d0d5c086378" type="video/3gpp"><img width="320" height="266" alt="video" src="http://video.google.com/ThumbnailServer2?app=blogger&contentid=9c3e5d0d5c086378&offsetms=5000&itag=w320&sigh=qlhWps1wzO-wxaMVRD9NQowWIKI" class="BLOG_mobile_video_class" id="BLOG_mobile_video-9c3e5d0d5c086378"></a>


A bit daunting isn't it. This example is a fifteen second clip of a firework display, from the blog of David's Tangled Thoughts. Hi David, I hope you don't mind I've used code from your page as an example.

If you're pasting code like the latter, you can edit out everything from "<a href="rtsp" onwards, and everything from &nogvlm=1& until ""</embed>", leaving you with:

<embed width="320" height="266" src="http://www.blogger.com/img/videoplayer.swf?videoUrl=http%3A%2F%2Fvp.video.google.com%2Fvideodownload%3Fversion%3D0%26secureurl%3DqAAAAOF-u9WtopylwZ9XHAqIS4Q8mMCKxx25CeJq8bZBiPr6Lw1nPt3Mzuy4dAHiTdzlJdTM7R5C4A8yULlJcCGk46syEW7Wkg_D7V8QgTWwr-HGf1tvwnESv5Uz2E9E7wL5Ce4fg3BdxWEVOmlQ1z-PDH480M4DbkLsn6npmDomUJiai-I7XKyv_b2OZ_QnsOVpAr_T0XVce-X10Sy6q7FESf6NIerYRfXjTmzBMH8TG0aC%26sigh%3D7BraJLEO2xG_ZgceHKNZLuRXVY0%26begin%3D0%26len%3D86400000%26docid%3D0"</embed>


...and it'll work just fine. Either way, replace the "height" number with "27". That's it. Now your blank video won't display, and you're (kind of) podcasting from inside Blogger.

Here's my experiment in non-video, which is also an introduction to the drumkit I've been working on for the past week. Unfortunately, Blogger sound isn't great, and is only mono.



You might (just possibly) want to do this with YouTube videos. Here's the embed code for a video chosen almost at random.

<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/VSUX9byu6NY&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/VSUX9byu6NY&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>


...and here's the video. It's a killer.



It turns out you need almost none of the code. This snippet is all you absolutely need, though the video won't be resized, and there'll be no fullscreen option:

<embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/VSUX9byu6NY&hl=en&fs=1"></embed>


To crop out the video window, leaving only the tracking bar underneath, put the width and height parameters back in, with the height set to 25. Personally, I prefer a width of 320. The code now looks like this:

<embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/VSUX9byu6NY&hl=en&fs=1" width="320" height="25"></embed>


...and the clip now looks like this:


The video is still there, and still being streamed. It's just not being displayed.

One small detail - the volume icon still works, and you can mute playback, but the vertical slider you use to adjust the volume is now cropped out of view. So in effect, there's no volume control.

You can perform similar surgery on MTVMusic.Com videos, turning this...

<embed src="http://media.mtvnservices.com/mgid:uma:video:mtvmusic.com:18123" width="320" height="271" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" flashVars="dist=http://www.mtvmusic.com" allowFullScreen="true" AllowScriptAccess="never"></embed> <div style="margin:0; text-align:center; width:320px;font-family:Arial,sans-serif;font-size:10px;"><a style="color:#000000;" href="http://www.mtvmusic.com/buggles">The Buggles</a> |<a style="color:#000000;" href="http://www.mtvmusic.com/">MTV Music</a></div>


...into this...

<embed src="http://media.mtvnservices.com/mgid:uma:video:mtvmusic.com:18123" width="320" height="25"></embed>


...which gives you this:



Unfortunately it won't work on Daily Motion embed codes - it crops out the tracking bar. LiveVideo fails a little differently, and changing the size parameters changes the size of the whole box, including the playback controls.

Safety Covers


"And you can not real move
and totally remove 'em
like an African imbecile."
- What I've been hearing for 25 years

"And you can act real rude
and totally removed
and I can act like an imbecile."
- What's actually being sung

If only there were some way to get that mild euphoria you get when a hangover fades...without the hangover first.

My cousin has a laptop. Being the kind of person he is, this means he has the computing power of the pentagon in a machine the size of a box of chocolates, costing the annual GDP of three small African countries. Slight exaggeration, but you get the picture.

Here's something that's not an exaggeration. It has a one terabyte hard drive. 1TB. That's one thousand and twenty four gigabytes. 1.024 * 10^4 bytes. The equivalent of two hundred and thirty eight DVDs.

I just tried to calculate that in terms of listening time for CD quality mp3s. It came to about two thousand years.

Now, my cousin isn't dumb, but he doesn't know much about computers, so he's got the whole hard drive in one big partition. Which means when something goes wrong with the operating system or the master file table or the boot sector, the whole thing stops working and he loses all data. Unless someone like me or mother can do a few hundred pounds worth of specialist work for the promise of a cup of tea sometime, to fix it.

Yes, something has indeed gone wrong.

I like analogies so here's one. Someone who can just about boil an egg purchases the kitchen of the Ritz hotel to make one piece of cheese on toast. He does this by turning the enormous oven up full blast and throwing in unopened packets of bread and cheese, getting angry and baffled when the result is a black stinking mess.

Now imagine this is happening in every street in the country, with smaller versions in every second home. There is however a fairly small number of highly trained, highly paid professionals, whose job is to clean up the ovens and give lessons (always ignored) on basic kitchen operation. There is also a much larger number of highly self-trained amateurs who do most of the cleaning and teaching, in exchange for being summarily dismissed when they've finished and being ridiculed behind their backs.

Because the cheese-lovers think it's easier to fuck up and have someone else fix it than to learn to use a fucking toaster.

If my cousin proves capable of belatedly grasping that he has to learn how to use a computer just like any other tool, he'll be worth helping.

I took an online quiz to find out whether my brain's male or female. And apparently it's 25% female. But not to worry because the average woman is only 50% female. Which is...nice.

But if you think this is just a steaming pile of junk science and pseudo-statistics, think again! Because it also showed that I'm also useless with language, highly empathic, and very organised. How do they understand me so well?!

I didn't see President Obama's inaugural address, but I'm guessing it went roughly "Change...strong America...moving forward...unity...face challenges". Is that about right?

The morning news had Will Smith being elegiac about the dawn of a new age, presumably on the basis that he's (a) black, (b) famous and (c) got nothing to say. If there's a gay president next time maybe they'll interview David Hyde Pierce.

Now we'll just have to see how long it takes the world to realise (a) Obama can't reverse the recession, (b) he isn't really on the side of the people, and (c) he isn't going to do any of the nice things he promised, on the grounds that he didn't actually promise them.

egwrhetryjutk


Disclaimer: Isn't integrity wonderful. When I set up this here blog, I promised myself I wouldn't retroactively edit or delete posts to cast myself in a better light. What gets posted, stays. Case in point...Exhibit A below.

Gah.

I'm ver very drunk. Kind of wish I didn't like it so muchg. Dyspeptic update coming in a few hours. In the meantime,, love you all any want to suck all on your cocks. Each and every one, ti;ll you spunk up and go uuh! in mmy mouth and i own yiou.

Update: Evening babysitting, night getting drunk, morning hangover. Then back to reality, and moderate embarrassment. Same again soon.

Numb3rs


"Eins zwei drei vier funf sechs sieben acht
Uno due treis quattro
One two
Ichi ni san chi
Adjin, dva, tri
Li, Tva, Tri"
- Kraftwerk, Numbers


"We have the right to go where we wish, with as many as we wish."
- Eldred, Babylon 5

Friday

Today I did a "Habitual Residency" test for our beloved civil service. Here are some of the questions, together with answers that may or may not reflect what I actually wrote.

When did you first come to the UK?
In 1972. When I was born here.

Did you bring any belongings from outside the UK?
I left with a suitcase full of clothes, and came back with the same suitcase full of the same clothes.

Do you have any close relatives outside the UK?
You mean, why can't I go and sponge off some other country? Go fuck yourself.

How do you plan to support yourself?
I'm going to murder pointless bureaucrats like you and sell off your internal organs on ebay.

Why did you come to the UK?
It's my home you stupid twunt.

Is there anything else you want to tell us?
Remember how, when I signed on, I had to prove I officially existed by having a British passport? Go on - see if you can join the dots.

A year ago I spent fifty one days in another part of the EU, and now you've decided I need to prove I'm a "habitual resident" in a place I lived for thirty six years.

You seem to think I'm now a foreigner, and therefore need to beg for the privilege of staying in your illustrious country, so long as I promise not to spoil it with my fiendish foreign ways.

Mother is trying Ubuntu. And Windows 7.

I'm wondering whether any of the programs I use actually need XP. Maybe they'd all work in Windows 2000?

Saturday

I'm 37.

Have you ever noticed how, for a select few numerical ways to describe a person, we can just use the number and not the unit?

If I say "He's five-nine", I mean "He's five feet and nine inches tall". If I say "I'm 37", you know I'm talking about my age - as opposed to income, IQ score, or academic points.

Sometimes we use an indefinite article. I can say "She's a twelve" to mean "Her dress size is Twelve". "He's a seven" probably means "He wears size seven shoes". She's a double-D, her CD is a number one, and the song is a perfect ten.

I can't say "Bill's one hundred and forty" to describe how much he weighs - it's got to be "Bill's weighs one hundred and forty pounds". "She's a million" doesn't mean "She's a millionaire".

So it seems as far as the english language is concerned, age isn't something you have, or something you do - it's something you are. It defines you.

So it follows that today I suddenly became a different person. I'm thirty seven...going on seventeen...going on a hundred and seven.

I got a fleecy wool shirt, a book of childrens stories (?) from mother, a bottle of rum from, er, a married male friend, and...a special Infomaniac post!

A Row of Cabbages


I have:

* A ping-pong ball
* A scalpel (borrowed from father)
* A roll of sticky tape (borrowed from father)
* Some cotton wool
* A laptop (lent from mother)
* A pair of ear-enclosing headphones (lent from mother)
* Half an hour of pink noise

All the ingredients for a quiet night in. Or a wild night out. Or indeed both at the same time, depending on how things go.

The last time I tried something like this, it was an attempt to induce a synchronised gamma EEG state using panned white noise. What it actually generated was a panic attack, which I later learned is quite common.

Anyway, I'll let you know how my Ganzfeld experiment turned out.

Looking at my bank balance, I had a feeling it was somewhat lower than expected. In fact, about GBP400 lower. Now I know why.

The "Department of Works and Pensions", which pays living allowances to those like myself out of work, has developed a backlog. A six week backlog. Due to a lot of its former penpushers now being...out of work.

They have a special telephone number you can use to ask them to increase the priority of your case. It is permanently engaged.

However, by being bounced around various departments, you can (after twenty minutes of thirty seconds of JS Bach) get referred to the department that can tell you the other reason for the delay.

It's that they haven't yet sent me a vital form. The one where I confirm that, when I signed on three months ago, I wasn't still living in Bulgaria.

It seems they'd been paying me for a month before realising my presence in their office didn't constitute proof that I was in the country.

They assured me they had, by the sheerest coincidence, just that day sent me the form.

Harold Pinter, Eartha Kitt, Patrick McGoohan, Ricardo Montalban. Permanent fixtures of my muddled early life - suddenly not permanent after all.

It seems there are loads of horny young sex gods, all wanting to have sex with little old me. And the amazing thing is, they're all on BoysGo.Com. Some recent usernames and emails:

From hotprettyboy18: never been with a guy.. wanna try getting entered

From Jock27Cock: 27yr old jock here, hung and boned up

From MuscleJock24: big meat stud jock here

From hotAthlete21: let's hookup man boned

From TeenJockHung: up for some fun?

From SurferHung23: hung jock here u wanna play with it?

From studJock23: sup dude.. u up for some fun?

Nosing around for bargains on new laptops, I noticed a few things.

* The difference between 2.0GHz and 2.25GHz is about a hundred pounds.

* The difference between 667MHz memory and 800MHz is about ten pounds.

* The difference between a bright pink case and a cool black one is twenty three pounds. Identical specs - but one is macho matt black, and the other's a colour that makes Barbie look like a trucker.

So, price of manliness: GBP23, or USD33.

In the Meantime, Here is Some Music




Hello, I'm still here - kind of - but my net access over the last week has been patchy to say the least.

And today my laptop won't switch on. It's second hand, obsolete, shouldn't have lasted as long as it has - and therefore a bit like me.

News in brief:

* It's my birthday next saturday - yay! I'll be 37 - doh!

* It's C's birthday today. So, happy b-day - or bidet - to C. Nice day out yesterday to celebrate.

* I know exactly what I want for my bidet. A new laptop. Though the slippers mother's knitting would still be nice.

* I've invented lemon-and-lime tea. I've heard vaguely of apple and raspberry teas, so can you make tea with orange juice?

* Why is it I never remember chocolate gives me a headache until it actually does?

See you...sometime soonish.

The Lost Blog


The last blog update, on the New Year party, was lost when I managed to drop the laptop on the floor. Then spent an hour taking it apart, trying to figure out where the hard drive was, before finding it had fallen out when I dropped it.

This is like having your brain fall out and roll under the bed when you sneeze - an indicator of suboptimal design.

Anyway, short version of the party:
* Drank too much vodka, ate too much fingerfood, talked a lot of politics.

* Why are most of the good people over fifty or under fifteen?

* I kissed a man and we liked it.
Taste of sixth glass of vodka.
I was so drunk, he didn't mind
Don't mean he's not straight tonight.


Here's a few more things I didn't get around to posting recently....

From shortly before Christmas:

Every few months I try to read Hegel, usually the Shorter Logic, and every time he turns my mind to porridge.

"Rosa Lichtenstein" (Hi there Rosa) argues at vast length that:

(1) Hegel's philosophy is rooted in ancient pseudo-paradoxes (eg. Zeno's Arrow, the Road of Heraclitus), linguistic confusion (the identity theory of predication), and cabalist mystical gibbering.

(2) Marx incorporated his version of Hegelianism into his Socialism - even though it's unnecessary for the movement, and irrelevant to the socioeconomic ideas.

(3) The subsequent marxist greats uncritically continued the error, and so have their followers.

(4) This is a major reason marxism specifically and the left in general have been so ineffective for the last 150 years.

Lichtenstein's ideas are not well received by other socialists, especially as she feels the need to insult those who disagree with her. But it has to be said, she calls on a deep reservoir of learning and close-reading of key texts, while her opponents in general do not.

For what it's worth, I think:

(1) The Dialectic of Nature is grossly under-theorised. Endlessly quoting the Theses on Feuerbach, ABC of Dialectics and a few passages from Lenin's Notebooks doesn't cut it.

(2) A sociological dialectic model with social "forces" and "contradictions" is immensely useful, but doesn't depend on a dialectic of physics.

(3) It's an exaggeration to say the left have achieved nothing for 150 years.

(4) Whatever the reasons for their lack of success, an incorrect ontology isn't high on the list.

In other words, I don't think the dialectic is important. But none of my comrades agree with me, so tonight I try again to read Hegel, in case they're right.

From shortly after Christmas:

A rather lovely day out with C, with eating, drinking, walking, browsing, bitching ... but mostly some very good companionship.

There's a piece of gay slang, not used much now - "Sister". When two gay men are best friends, understand each other's way of thinking, and do most the the things boyfriends do together, except sex, they're called sisters.

Kind of the opposite of a fuckbuddy - where sex is the only connection, and one (or indeed both) is often straight.

Probably Boxing Day:
An insomniac flick through Conservapedia's breaking news sections reveals some startling truths, hitherto covered up by the worldwide conspiracy of liberals.

Top Scholars Confirm Truth of Christianity. Translation: One christian academic has a list of other christian academics.

Ann Coulter: My Triumph Over Kwanzaa!. Translation: A columnist no one reads anymore says some rude things about a holiday no one's heard of. No one cares.

"President George W. Bush is being crucified in the public square in spite of his plain decency and goodness". Translation: Voting for Obama is literally identical with insanity. And planting bombs - but not dropping them.

Probably the 28th:

I'd make a great guttural voice-over artist, but only when I've got a cold. Then my voice starts channelling Orson Welles - just right for movie trailers and beer adverts.

So don't delay, book Kapitano's voice today, before I recover. If you don't mind the odd sniffle in the sales patter.